My heart hurts so bad?

Anonymous
I got married and not even a year into it it totally spiraled.. Husband was talking to girls a lot, got upset every time I checked his messages with girls. I got better at not checking him a lot until he started getting upset over little things. His "suicidal" ex came back into his life. (only reason I said that was BC she gave him a key to her apt instead of seeking actual help should she feel the need to off herself) I finally had a Saturday off for once.. and I couldn't help myself asking what happened during a "suicidal" moment that lasted 8 hours... He got mad I questioned him about it and moved out on Thanksg. forward a couple of months and I joined some sext discords.. I was lonely and he kept threatng with divorce.. I just need some release n tension.. He found out and said I broke his heart.. I feel terrible n I regret it n I stopped it.. Well he started acting even meaner.. There are times he's borderline abusive.. But I can't help but love him still.. He was my first n only person I was with.. I movd states away 2 b w/ him now I'm alone here.. While he's been living w/ his ex... I made an online friend, just a friend at 1st.. He also liked me 1st.. N that I now have feelings for.. He likes me 2 and I've kept my husband a secret.. Cuz he threatens divorce so much I kinda have given up.. I want 2 stop hurting.. This new guy is so sweet n the opposite of my husband.. I know my husband isn't good for me..
Updates:
8 mo
I know us 2gthr is toxic but I can't stop loving him.. I've only been physically intimate with him even after he moved out months ago.. I just.. I dreamed of a future with him but he's just gotten so much meaner.. I tried to stop him from leaving so we could talk things out and he pulled his hand gun trigger on me, and I don't know if he knew it was loaded or not, he's screamed in my face to where I shrink.. And I was patient when he moved out to her place.. And he left me alone in his state..
8 mo
Now I've caught feelings for an online guy who's the opposite.. Of my husband.. And somewhere deep down I can't stop hoping my husband changes but I've also fallen for this guy.. He makes feel loved and appreciated..
My heart hurts so bad?
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