How to finally move on after all else fails?

I have been single for 18 months as my ex left me.

i have been on numerous dates with some incredible people, changed careers, got into the best physical shape of my life, connected with friends and made new ones however even after all this time I still cannot get over my ex.

i have acknowledged the bad in the relationship and will admit it was toxic and not a good match, identified points I actually despised about her and still I long to see her cute goofy smile and run my fingers through her hair again.

She has been through a breakup since and unknowingly I reached out to her by email for the first time to inform her of the death of a mutual friend. She was very talkative and receptive. Told her about the new career and discussed new hobbies and she seemed very interested and was asking questions about it. She told me about a diagnosis she has recently had and I offered her any support she needs. There was no flirting and she had said it would be nice to meet up at some point to catch up. I asked her if she was going to be alone on Christmas Day as she doesn’t talk to her family and has very few friends. I offered for her to spend it with my family (she saw my parents as her own) or just to pop by and see her if that was uncomfortable as I don’t like the idea of someone being alone at this time of year (especially with her history of mental health)

To my surprise she went on a rampage about how she refuses to break any lockdown rules and that I am selfish for trying to force my way back into her life to try and destroy it.

Believe me when I say that I showed no romantic interest whatsoever and did not talk about any touchy or invasive topics.
Why do I still love this woman when there is no chance of reparations?
How to finally move on after all else fails?
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