I had to work through some hard feelings after my ex ghosted me. It felt unfair because he wasted my time like it meant absolutely nothing. He squandered my love as if it meant nothing. I felt worthless, 100%. And the constant message that “an ex is an ex for a reason” or “an ex needs to stay in the past” basically gave me the impression that exes are supposed to hate each other. And I felt that even though I had every reason to hate my ex I didn’t. I wanted to forgive him. I hated being angry. I hated changing my heart around to realize how cruel guys could be when they simply didn’t care how they affected you. It felt like such a shock that I just got spooked of it happening again. Hating him was ruining it for every guy after him because I see him as the only guy I ever loved. I wanted to forgive him so that I could continue to believe in the humanity of other men. But instead, I figured he hated me. After all, he ghosted me. After a year long relationship that he claimed to still want, after giving him my virginity and meeting his family and saying hundreds of “I love you’s” he just disappeared. Then I later found out he ghosted me for another girl, because he was with her. I found out that his family loved her, even though they said they liked me and nobody ever told me that he was seeing someone else. I basically found out everything was a lie, and he couldn’t even face me to tell me the truth before just disappearing from my life. So I desperately tried to forgive him for 3 years. The third year is when I gave up wishing I could forgive him. He didn’t apologize so how could I forgive him? I felt like it was really unfair and unfortunate for me that I just got discarded like a candy wrapper. Even though I was just as loving and pretty and kind as any other girl I had ever met, it just wasn’t enough. Not even enough for a normal breakup that consisted of a goodbye. So it made me feel like loving was pointless.
Basically I loved him more than I even loved myself back then. And him just disappearing made me think “how could I have been that bad that you didn’t even want to say goodbye to me? Even though you were so important and so special to me? How could I have been so bad?” It made me lose hope. If I could forgive him, I thought the hope would return