This night I was drunk angry and upset and asked if I could go sleep it off in his bed. I have slept in his bed before drunk -which my boyfriend knows about - but again nothing happened and its just been a friend thing. This sounds stupid now but at the time it didn't feel weird.
Anyway at some point in the night he came in and woke me up getting into bed. He started trying it on with me. He tried to have sex and I said no and he kissed me which I stopped. I was fully clothed the whole time. He then got all weird and pissed off wirh me and when I said I didn't want him to make me a cheat he said he wouldn't care what his girlfriend did behind his back. He did however apologize and I then made the huge mistake if getting back into bed. He started getting himself off next to me while I was trying to sleep and then, I don't kniw exactly how it happened, but he was on top of me and he finished inside my mouth. He was there for maybe 5/6 seconds before this. For some horrible reason I didn't stop it. I just let it happen. I don't even know why. I've been drunk before. I've been angry before. I can't explain why this time it qas any different and I know neither are a reason.
I know this isn't about me but I am devastated. I can't believe I've done this to my boyfriend. we've only been together a few months but we've been dating a year. I was thinking of telling him I love him soon bur how can I look in his eyes and say that now. He is the wors most anazing man and I never thought I would meet someobe like him. He is also my first. I know people say once a cheater always a cheater and that I can't have really loved him. But I swear neither apply to me. I have never done anything so slutty before and I never could again. I feel like the worlds most horrible person to someibe so beautiful and its the worst feeling in the world.
Would you want to know? I've never lied to him before and always thought honeaty was the best thing but I've read so much that tells me I'm doing it to make myself feel better and its selfish? Woukd he ever be able to forgive me and for those that have cheated will I be able to deserve him again? Sorry but I need help!