I broke up with him because he said he was in love with his ex, but I don't want it to be over.

We met at a bar a little over a month ago, found out we had gone to high school together, had a lot in common, etc. Hit it off immediately. VERY attracted to each other, right from the start. That was obvious. I had been in love with my ex and we'd been on/off for a year until I met this new guy -- and once we started dating I felt myself completely letting go of my ex. We were always really honest with each other and I was always able to talk about my past relationship and how badly I'd been treated. he told me he'd been recently burned too by an ex who had moved away a few months ago. I figured that meant we were on the same page-- recently burned but ready to give happiness (and each other) a real chance. After a couple of weeks we're talking about being together seriously, talking about how lucky we were to have met. I start falling for him, fast and hard. I thought he was right there with me. We were doing everything together - holding hands, sleeping together, laughing all the time. I could talk to him and trust him so much. It seemed so perfect. Then he started to act distant, even though I wasn't being clingy. I have my own career, life, friends. I was getting more involved, yes but I know that I was being cautious and pacing things in a smart way. So I just asked what was up with him, and he says he's still in love with his ex-girlfriend, even though she doesn't live here, has no intention of returning, and has no feelings for him like that anymore (according to what he's told me). Basically, he's just holding on for something that clearly will never happen again. They also hadn't been dating for over a year before she left -- just on and off hooking up sometimes. He told me that she kissed him the night she left and has been talking to him while she's away. That's why he says he can't get over her -- because of that kiss. He seems very sad about how she doesn't want a relationship with him anymore, but also sad about not pursuing one with me. But he refuses to stop talking to her (he even pays her phone bill). So for me, after hearing all of this and being totally heartbroken by it -- the writing was on the wall. I had to bail before my heart was broken even more. I texted him after our talk saying not to feel bad for telling the truth and that hopefully if he settles his unfinished business we could see each other down the road. he seemed sad but agreed, and he hasn't texted me for three days. Will he come around? If that's a possibility, should I try to keep in touch with him to stay relevant in his life? it' seemed silly to end it because she doesn't even live here or want him back! And we were so happy. It just feels unnatural to have thrown it all away right when it was getting good. Did he just lose interest in me? Get scared? Is it possible that he'll realize he wants to be with me instead of the ghost of somebody else? I really want to be with him, and he says he does too. I just don't know where to go from here. I miss him.


Most Helpful Girl

  • I have to disagree. I don't think it was silly to end it. Whether she lives right next door or several hours away doesn't matter. Whether she wants him back or doesn't want him back doesn't matter either. What does matter is that he has feelings for her, and those feelings didn't fade once he met you, unlike your feelings for your ex. I have been in situations where I was hung up on ex-boyfriends, and whenever a guy I really wanted to be with turned up in my life, I lost all interest in my ex.

    However, your ex-boyfriend insists on still keeping in touch with her (which I, by the way, find pretty disrespectful, considering he still harbours feelings for her). This shows me that he is not willing to let go. It would be one thing if he was confused but tried his very best to give you and your relationship a chance. But that is not the case. 1. He still wants to talk to her and 2. He did not fight for you.

    Maybe he will realize that he wants to be with you, but maybe he won't. Do you really want to be that woman on the backburner? I suggest that you move on. Remember how your ex stopped mattering when you met this guy? Eventually you will met a guy and this guy won't matter anymore. But if you tie yourself down and wait for someone who's obsessed with his ex to come around, then you might miss out on that guy.

    • Very true. I think I knew that in a way but just wanted there to be a slight chance that I'd fit into the equation somewhere. In reality, I think I was hooked on the feeling of having a quasi-normal relationship finally. I don't know if I was really that crazy about this new guy, maybe I just liked the company. Who wouldn't? Also, I'm glad I didn't get too involved with a guy that seems almost entirely spineless and self-oriented Thanks for taking the time to respond. You helped so much!

    • I'm glad I could help. We all meet the wrong guys and fall for them and then in hindsight don't even know what we saw in them. Hopefully you will meet an awesome guy soon who will make you as happy as you deserve to be.

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What Guys Said 1

  • I wish my ex had been as this honest with me.. just got blindsided a week ago that she wants to break up...or have a break...or watever because she needs to figure things out and she's not over her ex.. she broke my heart..

    never get into a relationship with another person whose heart belongs to someone else. they will only steal urs to make themselves feel whole again...

    my ex took mine and I got an icebox where my heart used to be.


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