She is not ready and I don't want to hurt her, what should I do?

I'm seeing this girl. She is all that I want, sweet, feminine, caring, loving, smart, attractive and most importantly she loves me unconditionally. However, my past relationship failed because I was not physically attracted to my ex girlfriend, I am very scared of getting hurt again so I confessed to the current girl and luckily she understood and agreed to do "it" with me although she is still a virgin and wanted to refrain from it until marriage. To be honest, it took me a couple of months to convince her. But now that she told me she wants it, I don't want to hurt her feelings because I know she is not really ready even though she kept telling me she is. So now I am facing a dilemma. I am very sure of myself that I can't go through another such a failed relationship again because I know about myself "it" is something as important as emotions and I would never want to cheat on my partner if we are not physically compatible so I am very cautious. I have wondered whether or not should I try it with the current girl or just give up. I don't want to lose her, but I don't want to see her getting hurt either if I find out later we are not compatible. Any thoughts?
Thank you guys for contributing more than I expected. I'm sorry I didn't make it clear. I didn't have enough credits o use the exact words I wanted in sex category. So let me make it more clear.

*I wasn't sexually attracted to my ex, we were not sexually compatible.

*I explained to the current girl what she needed to know and told her it's her choice and I would understand if she decides to leave me.

*She told me a number of times she is ready. It's me telling her she is not
and told her I wanted both of us to wait until she is completely ready.

*I felt she isn't ready because I think she doesn't understand much about sex so I told her we should wait and I wanted to give her time to understand more about this aspect of a relationship.

*To you guys who think I should compromise and let me fall for her without having sex. I am sorry I really can't do that. I would rather lose her. Sorry it sounds crappy and selfish.
but I would rather leave her because if I find out later we are not physically and sexually compatible, both of us would get hurt. Yes it takes a lot of work to build a loving and healthy relationship and I personally think and actually experienced that myself that I can't have it with someone I am not sexually attracted to. Face it ladies, don't tell a guy with extremely high libido to have a healthy sexless relationship. It's something I can't control sorry.


Most Helpful Girl

  • Let her stick with her original plans. You said this took convincing for her? That's not a good sign. What if you take her virginity and you end up breaking up? You'll really hurt this girl.

    She may be saying she wants it to happen, but she doesn't even realize the kind of emotional stress it could put on her. And I think you're considering that consequence as well.

    My opinion, you can be physically attracted to someone without sleeping with them. I am saving my virginity because I have seen so many of my friends have emotional issues after they have sex. So, try to make this relationship work without sex. Tell her you changed your mind and want to do what she wanted to originally. Try to make it work that way. Don't sleep with her because you convinced her to. That's manipulation for all the wrong reasons. You don't want to look back and think you hurt this girl for one physical part of a relationship.

    Try building on what you already have. Make your relationship stronger as it is. Don't put any physical pressures on her.

    • This makes me want to cry. In happiness :) I'm so glad there are other girls that feel the same as me and that I'm not alone. Sometimes its rad to stand up when everyone's trying to push you down.

    • Thank you! I'm so glad there are other girls like me out there :) it's a relief we haven't all gone with the standards of society!

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What Girls Said 14

  • You know if you're physically attracted to someone without having sex.

    compatability and attraction- not the same.

    compatabilitycan be worked on.

    let me get this straight. you want to have sex with someone who was previously intending to wait for marriage, because you want to find out sooner rather than later whether or not you should dump her because _you_ don't want to get hurt?

    you really need to sit down and think about how you're completely disregarding her position.

    id she has sex with you ands you guys break up she just went against her entire plan to wait until she and they guy definitely meant something to each other-had sex before marriage -with some guy a just wanted to see if he was attracted to her.

    exactly what is in this for HER?

    bottom line separate from all of the details. you NEVER convince someone to have sex. you wait until they are ready or you break up. you convincing her is not her being ready. if you have to persuade her that means she's not ready. leave her alone. let her come to you or end I if you can't wait.

  • Being physically attractive to someone is not the same as good sex. Sex is an art, which to get good at you need to practice a lot. If you are attracted to her body and think about having sex with her, you are physically attracted to her. The sex gets better as you realize what each of you wants. In fact, if you did have sex with her right now, you probably would say nonsense like, "I'm not physically attracted to her," which is a lie. She didn't pleasure you as much as you would like, but that doesn't mean she can't, she just has to learn. I think that you shouldn't have sex with her. If I was in this situation and a guy said, "well I need to have sex to make sure I'm physically attractive to you," I would say absolutely not. And then if he persisted, I would run for the hills. What's even more concerning about you trying to convince her to break her moral code, is that she actually agreed to. If she's that willing to give in to what you want despite how she feels about it, you need to ask yourself how strong of a woman this is. If you really care for her, you should tell her, "look I don't want to do this anymore because I know what I asked of you what not right." I will wait until we are married because I care about you.

  • Are you even attracted to this girl? Sounds like you just want to "try her on" like if she was a sock... Compatibility is doable as long as you have attraction. You should know RIGHT NOW whether you're sexually attracted to her or not. Since you don't, you're not. She deserves more than a guy who's unsure about her, especially since sex is so important emotionally for her.

  • Tell her you want to try a relationship first. That you think this would be a better way to handle this after some SERIOUS thought. I feel if your not physically attracted at first, there might be a good chance you won't be later.

  • Wow. Make her give up her standards for your self gratification?tou should think of this concerning how it will affect her. It's really great you're a guy that can understand she's not ready. If you do do it, the emotional toll will break you guys apart. I wouldn't. Think about the long term in any big decision. Message me if you need more advice. Good luck and don't be selfish

  • to me , I respect your opinion ... maybe I am getting far away from your story but I just wanna ask you a question ... will you marry a girl that had ***es with guys to try her ***ually attraction ? and you think that everyone has to do this till he finds his attraction ?! "" am talking in general and I don't mean YOU ""

  • *** isn't the loneliest way to keep a girl ! that's not love

    it's just like oh now you can't marry another one ! that's stupid

    i think that's not the right way to stay together although you love each other ... your thinking and ideas of keeping her shows me that you are afraid of changing her mind even you both seem to trust each other so just reforce your trust and am sure that your love will keep you together till marriage

  • If you love and respect her - you need to wait for her to be fully ready. If this is something that you just can't wait for, you need to let her go. Physical attraction has nothing to do with having intercourse together, other than you wanting her.

  • I think you should have respected her wishes about till marrige. You should tell her that you thought about it and that waiting is the best thing. If she says she still wants it and makes a move 1st then give it to her. Her wants and needs should be before youe own if you really love her.

  • Just tell her exactly what you told us. Then do "it". If it doesn't work out, it won't be your "fault"

    She may still be hurt but she should not hate you after she gets over the grieving period if she's truly "sweet, caring, loving, smart, etc"

    • He feels he's taking advantage of her and you're encouraging him to. This is the answer he wants - the answer to absolve him from guilt. "Tell her, and then you can't be blamed!"

      Good God. Be a man and take responsibility for the fact that you're purposely hurting another person for sake of self gratification, or even better, be a man and do what you already know to be right. Don't ask people to condone the actions you already know to be wrong.

    • Show All
    • He is convinced - 100% it seems - that she cannot fully comprehend or be ready for sex. So when she's agreeing, she's not really understanding. He knows she's agreeing to something that she doesn't understand. Yes, that is taking advantage of her.

    • Friend 1: "Loan me $100?"

      Friend 2: "Sure. Pay me back whenever."

      [three months later]

      Friend 1: "Here's your $100! Thanks a lot!"

      Friend 2: "Oh you owe me $200. I didn't tell you, but there was interest on that $100 that I gave you."

      Friend 1: "I didn't know that."

      Friend 2: "Too bad."

      Friend 1: "I don't have the extra $100."

      Friend 2: "Figure it out."

      Was Friend 2 totally blameless?

  • I am confused. Are you sexually attracted to her or not? Sexual compatibility has nothing to do with sexual attraction other than attraction being a criteria for compatibility. Compatibility can be improved and worked on, attraction can not. If it's not worth it for you to work on improving sexual compatibility even in a long term relationship, then you should not have sex with a girl who considers sex a big commitment.

    And just because I'm confused and it's better to err on the side of too much advice:

    *Do not have sex with her if she wants to wait until marriage but changed her mind because she's afraid to loose you.

    *Do not have sex with her if she's not ready for it.

    *If you can't judge whether she is ready or not, or if she wants sex just so she won't loose you, then you're not the right one to give her her first time.

  • You already know what you should do. You want us to condone what you WANT to do.

    Here's a novel idea: Why don't you take the plunge for her? You want her to take this HUGE risk for you. Why don't you take a risk of the same importance? Why don't you let yourself fall for her WITHOUT the sex? Why don't you respect her a little bit?

    Why do you value YOUR standards above hers?

    Why are you so selfish?

    It sounds to me like you're not ready to be in a relationship, PERIOD. You're not trying to do what's best for her, and you're not respecting her. You're just trying to cauterize your own wounds, wounds she didn't give you.

    She deserves FAR better than that.

    • It's not something you CAN'T control; it is something you WON'T control. Just like you won't let yourself fall for her.

      I respect you for saying you'd rather leave her than sleep with her. The choice is ultimately yours. Do what you think is right at the end of the day - what you honestly believe to be right at your core. You're the one who has to live with you.

      Good luck!

  • Did you tell her that there may not be a future between you two, even if you have sex?

  • Just tell her havin sex is something special and you would like to wait... tell her there is a right time and right place and you don't feel that is right now... because once its gone that's it... and the person she loses her virginity to she shld want to spend the rest of her life with them... its a big deal to her even tho she's playing it off nonchalantly... if she's throws it back in your face then maybe she's not the one. she should be understanding that your uneasy about it and want to wait a bit.


What Guys Said 3

  • you're past relationship failed because you weren't physically attracted to're worried this one may fail because she wants to wait to have sex?

    I don't see the correlation. Physical attraction and sex are two wholly different matters. It seems to me taht perhaps you are confusing physical attraction with sexual compatibility (am I right?).

    It also sounds to me like you should wait til your girlfriend is ready (on her own terms) or break it off. But having sex with her because after several months of convincing she finally succombed is no bueno and not a good basis for a relationship. Essentially it sets a bad precedent that you are going to get what you want by putting pressure on her (even if it isn't strong pressure) rather than letting things happen naturally and when she is comfortable.

    If you truly love her you'll want her to be comfortable and do things when she is ready...if that means that you have to break up with her, then that's that

    In my opinion of course (for what it's worth)

  • You weren't attracted to your ex, or weren't compatible with your ex?

    Are you two sexual at all? I think you can learn a lot about sexual compatibility without intercourse.

  • what age is she ,


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