How to make things better?

Hey Guys,

So my ex and I split last summer after four years together. It was pretty heartbreaking for both of us - I basically had a breakdown in the year leading up to our split (because of other stuff in my life) and he wasn't particularly good at dealing with me falling apart (I discovered he started sexting other girls). We argued a lot and I was unbearable to live with. There really seemed no other option than for us to break up.

He was devastated and asked that we remain friends. I told him I needed space. But he still was in touch with me constantly. I'm certain that on at least two occasions he was trying to get back with me. But I was too ill to see it then and I needed time to get well again.

A couple of months back I was feeling better and so I got in touch. We talked a long time and both admitted we missed one another and still had feelings. The problem is that he is confused and scared by the fact that I turned so many shades of crazy in the past, and is also worried that if we do try again if it messes up again he doesn't want to lose me as a friend.

I said he wouldn't, and that we could just take things slow without pressure. He agreed, and since then we've met up twice, both went well, and we text and email and chat a lot.

BUT I have no idea how to move things on again now. We've each suggested meetings that the other hasn't been able to make owing to our busy work schedules etc. So I don't think I'm hounding him... but should I continue to suggest things? Or will it annoy him?

My dating style in the past has always been to leave a man to chase me, but in this situation it is a little different. Plus I think I have taken it to the extreme before. In the past this guy himself has given me several dressing-downs over not expressing what I want, not grabbing the bull by the horns and whatever.

Does anyone have any suggestions for what I should do?

Thanks guys!
I meant to add:

* I know he's been dating (via the internet mostly), but that he's found it lonely and difficult.

* He kind of looks a mess - he's a very handsome guy but he's put on weight and just looks not-so-shiny. Meanwhile I've changed my look, got super-fit and people keep saying I look the best I've ever looked. He's also down about his work. My impression is that his life is kind of all over the place right now and he's pretty lost.


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What Guys Said 1

  • Take things slow.

    it seems like he's dealing with a lot of things right now and a lot of emotions that us guys aren't used to dealing with. He feels guilty about what he did and realized that he didn't want to lose you. He's scared that if you get back together again he'd mess things up and lose you completely. He obviously regrets what happened. You also mentioned he looks not-so-shiny anymore and this was probably caused by not having the drive to impress or attract anyone (cause frankly he reached the point where he just doesn't care he looks like crap since he lost the one person he groomed himself for).

    Again, take things slow, oh and stop suggesting things, give him some control over the situation, let him suggest something instead. If he says he can't think of anything tell him to text/email/im you once he does. This gives him something to do and get his gears in motion again in the relationship. Small steps.

    • Thanks so much. I found your response really calming at a time when I was starting to get a bit panicky. I'll take some deep breaths and just continue to be warm and supportive. As you say, he seems to have a lot going on, and ultimately only he can really figure it out, in his own time. Thanks again, I really appreciate it.

    • No problem. Just hang in there and don't worry about it. It's great that you are supportive and more than willing to help him get back to his shiny self. I'm sure he'll get his act together sooner than later and it won't do any harm if you check on him every now and then but not too much, just enough for him to know that you're there for him. Good Luck!

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