Is it over, or will she give us another chance? Potential break-up panic...

A little bit of background. My girlfriend (maybe ex-GF now...) had a previous relationship where the guy was possessive and controlling, and it made her miserable.

So everything was amazing until last week.

I couldn't get hold of my girlfriend at all (turns out she was out - duh... I just didn't know)

A combination of stress in my new job, and a little bit of panicking because I was in another country meant that I left her a properly grumpy message.

She, bearing in mind the ex and her need for space (which we sort of discussed before), hit the eject button, fearing I was becoming like that. Lots of "I need my space, you don't trust me, I feel like I can't go out, etc."

Not me. Not at all. Honestly. I know there are a few things that I can work on, but I'm not that possessive guy. But because of the way I was thinking, I didn't consider the way she was thinking.

Anyway, she was saying things like "you mean so so much to me and I'm falling in love with you, but I just can't go through something like this again."

I think I managed to, bearing in mind this was on the phone, at least get her to think about her decision to end it all, but she did say at the end "I really don't think I'm going to change my mind."

Me, utterly devastated, sent her a message later that night, which basically said, "I'm sorry, I panicked, you know I want you to have space and your own life, etc."

I then sent her another one two days later after I'd had some time to think, where I could see EXACTLY where I had gone wrong. I mean, EXACTLY. And now I know what it is, I can fix it. And critically, not do it again. But I need that chance...

So, she's away now with her parents on holiday, hopefully "thinking things through."

I wasn't expecting to hear from her until after Easter, but I got a message on Monday saying, "I'm about to leave for Oman. Hope you have a good Easter. xxx" (Which I assume is a good thing? Girl telling you she needs space to think but then talks to you?)

I sent her a simple one back - "thanks, you too. Have a good holiday. xxx" Nothing more, I've said everything I can.

Basically, I've asked her for another chance because it wasn't me at all - I was just stressed and panicking a bit. But now I'm terrified she won't give me another chance, and throw it all away. I think if we could sit down and talk, we could reconcile, but I'm afraid she won't want to.

There we go.

Is it over completely? Or do you think she'll want to talk when she's back and hopefully try and give things another go?

And for the love of God, slap me, because I need to man up and stop worrying so much.

(The problem is, I do love the girl. Genuinely and utterly. Hence the panic now that she won't give me another chance...)

P.s. Less the response to the message she sent me, I have given her the space so far, and haven't messaged her on holiday, despite every fibre of my being wanting to...


Most Helpful Girl

  • If this was an isolated incident, she is for sure overreacting. You admitted you're wrong and you apologized. There's nothing wrong with being worried about where your girlfriend is when you can't get ahold of her. She is reacting in this way for one of the following reasons:

    1) she is looking for a reason to break up with you because she doesn't have feelings for you and wants you to be the bad guy in the situation. I don't think this is the case because of the text that she sent you during the holidays

    2) she is playing a head game with you. She's trying to gauge your feelings by how hard you try to "get her back" per say. Pushing her limits to see how far she can go.

    3) she is holding on to some serious baggage with her ex. She wants to be able to go out and party and not have to answer to anyone. This is entirely selfish.

    So she's either a coward, immature, or psycho. Now this is all dependent on whether this was the first time it happened and how "grumpy" you were in your message.

    • I don't think she's a coward. I may change my mind about that if she refuses to see me when she's back. Equally, I don't think she's playing games. I think she was genuinely afraid I was turning into a possessive jealous man, and wanted out before it got worse. Hence your third point may ring true, though it's not that she wants to go out and party. She just wants the freedom to go out, with me trusting her to do so. Ultimately, she thinks I don't trust her. Which is not true at all.

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What Girls Said 5

  • Give her space. Wait for her to contact you. Honestly, it could be a variety of things that triggered the breakup (not this one incident) and this broke the straw on the camel's back.

    • But she has mentioned nothing else at all. This was a reaction to a very specific (and stupid) thing I said/did.

      But you're right, I am waiting at the moment. Nothing heard since her message on Monday before she left. But then maybe that's exactly what she needs - this holiday to sort her head out.

    • Alright. Good luck to you. I hope things work out and this was just an irrational thing on her part.

  • I feel she can't just assume that by one little slip, you're like her ex. Like you said: you panicked, you know where you went "wrong" (even though I don't feel that's so wrong) and you know you won't do it again. Depends on how long you've been dating, but if this is the only time you've shown that kind of behavior , she should know it was a one time thing and not something you usually do. I'm afraid all you can do is give her time to think, don't text her too often, give her space, but if she breaks up with you (and I say IF not WHEN) just ask her if there were other times you showed that behavior , and if she can't come up with another time, that's proof that it was just this one time you kinda freaked out and that you're nothing like her ex and you really wanna prove this.

    • I think if I were being really harsh and self-critical, I could pinpoint behavior that would have led to think that I were a little possessive. All fairly minor, but exacerbated by her previous issues. But again, these are things I now know how to fix. I'm just terrified now that she won't give us another chance. I haven't heard from her since Monday, but honestly, I don't think I will until she's back.

    • I'm afraid there's nothing much you can do but wait until she gets back to you.

  • If the relationship means as much to you as it does to her then I genuinely think there is no reason she wouldn't want to sit down and talk things through with you. To be honestly, I think once she has collected her thoughts she will realize that she can't just assume everyone is going to be like her ex and that they may have jumped the gun a bit for fear of the past repeating itself. I think she may have just panicked more than overreacted at your message and automatically assume the worst, because she knows what that can start of as and end up like - and therefore went into panic mode and shut you out.

    The fact you haven't contacted her as well shows that you can be respectful of her space and give her the time she needs - I really do think (and hope) that you will be able to work it out once she's given you the chance to explain yourself. Good luck and I hope it works out for you!

    • Maxi, "...for fear of the past repeating itself..." Almost exactly what she said to me on the phone when breaking up with me. She said she'd been in "this position before and couldn't do it again." I think maybe she saw warning signs that weren't really there. All it would have taken is for her to say, "Look, calm down, I was out. You know I need space sometimes, this is one of those times."

      Still no contact either way since Monday. Will leave it until she gets back, unless she gets in touch.

  • Either reaffirm you understand or reassurance her. Every chance and then break too so she has time to think about it.

    • I don't want to bombard her with messages though. I have told her that I understand where I went wrong, but I think the ball is firmly in her court now. All I can do is wait, because to go chasing too hard (despite me wanting to, because not talking to her is driving me crazy) will just send her even further away.

  • To be honest it does sound like she's over reacting a bit. I can understand with her past she's extra wary and doesn't want to let herself get caught in another situation like that, but at the same time it's not fair of her to treat you like that because she's been hurt before. Give her her space, but stay in contact with her, don't just completely ignore her or anything! Hopefully that will show her that you understand where she's coming from and it's also giving her time to realize that you're not like him as well. As harsh as it sounds if she's really not willing to forgive this one moment of panic, even knowing that that's what it was and normally you're not like that at all, you should be wondering if that's a relationship you truly want to be in.

    • Maybe in this instance, given that it's a space/possessive thing that set her off, I should just cut contact completely? At least until she's back from holiday?

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