Will a girl in a bad relationship, who recognizes the ex is bad, come to realization and go for a better guy?

I'm 29, she 30. She was engaged but the wedding was called off recently. She knew there was issues, as well as her closest girlfriends who thought she could do way better, but being in a bad relationship and having committed 9 years to the cheating douche bag, she is naturally having a tough time coming to terms with everything.

She had dated me for half a year prior to officially calling off the wedding, but now she needs time to figure herself out. She tells me she feels like she owes it to the ex to try again, and he'll undoubtedly fail to be nearly as amazing a person as I am. I'm honestly a catch, a genuine gentleman with everything going for me. At the same time, I also recognize that she is a catch and has all the qualities, interests, and goals that I look for in a person. We both realize it although maybe she resists still, and she does genuinely like me (bc I'm a pretty darn good guy). Note that we have also done everything together, physically and emotionally and we are both happy with each other. The only imperfection with the whole situation is the ex.

So here's the question, given she does give the ex a shot which she needs to do in order to have closure and be in the right state of mind for any future relationship, what do you think the chances are she will recognize the ex is abusive and lacking many of the qualities she would want in guy with a marriage that is built to last? She is a sweet girl and completely open with me and tells me she feels that she needs to do that, and that she doesn't want to hurt me nor have that on her conscience. But It's just tough to accept.

If I give her time, and I will (not completely disappearing but not overly pushing), she should realize I'm a much better guy right? I know nothing is certain until it happens, but I want everyones' thoughts. I know it's natural for her to feel the way that she does, and to want to do that one more time.

I'm confident in myself and know there are plenty of girls that would die to be with me, but I also know myself so well to know that girls like her don't come around all that often... like literally a year or more. Plus, by my personality I hate leaving things to fate, I am the type that if I know what I want, I will do anything and whatever it takes to get it. I guess it's just hard to accept, and I'm stubborn, that maybe the only way to get it is to take steps back and let her figure things out...

Why can't love be easy?


Most Helpful Girl

  • 9 years is a really long time. That's like a third of her life. If she knows she's better off with you she won't stay with him. But she needs to be certain before she makes such a big life choice. This guy will probably put on a show for a while but eventually he'll slip back into his old habits. There might even be early warning signs. She'll be able to pick up on all of that very quickly because she's knows him well, don't worry. Once bitten, twice as wise.

    My suggestion is to continue to give her the love and support she needs to grow into a new chapter of her life. Don't stop being Mr Nice Guy or give up on her. She will come back as soon as she starts to miss you.

    • I agree that certainty is the word for her, to be certain that she is prepared to move past that painful chapter of her life and to start with someone else. I don't know if the ex is claiming to change, but I tend to agree with you that people are who they are at their core, and fall back into old habits.

      I will continue to be me for sure, I'm not changing for anyone. Well, I do change for myself, but that's because I'm committed to learning, improving, and being the best man I can be.

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What Girls Said 5

  • i think you are a true gentlemen any woman would be blessed to have you. Like you said give her time to get the closure she needs but don't sit and wait forever you deserve true happiness even if its not with her. Maybe this is what she needs because she has to see for herself that her ex is no good I had to see it for myself as well. Just don't give up be there for her when she needs you to be let her see she can count on you even if you and her are not together. I wish you the best of luck

    • I was going to comment myself, but I think you've got it right. I'm going to have to agree with you entirely.

    • Thank you shay. I know I'm at the core a great person with much to offer, but it's tough to remember that when she's making the decision to try again with someone so shady, it just makes me feel like I'm inadequate or not good enough... as stupid as that may sound.

      I do agree that she needs to see for herself and truly deal with it now. It sounds like she is more prepared/learned to make decisions now. I just hope he slips and that to me is where she realizes she should be.

    • I can tell just from your question that you care very much about this girl. I can see that you are one of the few good men left. I know how you feel even if I am a girl but I can also understand her as well I've been in both places even though I'm young. What I mean by that is I dated a guy for 4 years and all he did was cheat on me and I've cared about someone who couldn't see I was good for them

  • I don't think it is fair to you to be second choice. However I believe that 9 years is a lot of time she has invested in this guy so she doesn't want to feel as she has wasted her time. Also I feel bad for you as you shouldn't have dated her being that she was in a relationship. She is the only one that can make a choice but you can also wait a bit but give her an ultimatum that way you don't lose out on whoever is out there for you. All the best

  • To be honest... only she can make that choice.

    Love isn't logical. If it was, people wouldn't say with people who abuse them.

    I am quite similar to her - I keep going back to someone who everyone says isn't worth me or my time. I still love him. I probably always will.

    It's only recently that I've started realising things about him.. and it's been 5 years, and a lot of heartbreak.

    All of my friends said he wasn't worth it, he was a jerk, he treated me horribly, etc etc, but I didn't listen. I kept going back to him.

    So I guess what I'm saying... is it doesn't matter how much sense you talk, how much you know it's wrong, she needs to make that mistake. Whether she makes it once, or 100 times, there will be a time that she decides enough is enough.

    I wish love was easy. But it's not sadly.

    Good luck.

  • 1. WTF were you doing dating someone who was involved with someone else? EVERY relationship with a cheater is a bad relationship.

    2. 9 years is a long time. Don't expect her to be ready to date for like a ear. If she tries to date sooner than 6 months, she's using it as a crutch to make herself feel better even though she's still hung up on her ex

    3. If you get involved with her KNOWING she's a cheater - especially before she's actually gotten over him - you lose any right you may have had to act shocked, confused, or hurt when it all goes to hell after awhile.

    Have fun, buddy. Good choice!

    • Regarding point 1. She said she was separated and that they just hadn't yet made it official to family/friends. I was okay with it because I didn't have expectations at the start, but as I got to know her she's really sweet. The issues with her are soley caused by the actions of the ex, and his inability to be faithful and respect her.

      2. Agree, 9 years is a long time and healing is required.

      3. She isn't the cheater. She thought she was ready to move on but the ex likely begged bad

  • Its up to her.


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