How do I handle my baby daddy situation? He says he wants to be involved but he isn't.

I dated this guy when I was 21 years old. We had a great time together but eventually went our separate ways. About 4 years ago he came back into the picture saying he wanted to be with me. We tried but he seemed to have unresolved issues with his ex-gf and their children (she moved them out of state and he followed). A year ago he professed his love for me to my whole family and said he wanted to get married and start a family of our own. I got pregnant and he said the baby wasn't his. I kept trying to keep us together but he never showed for the ultrasound or the birth of our baby. Essentially he was gone the whole time I was pregnant. He never even asked how I was or if the baby was OK. I reached out to him when I was put on early maternity leave for complications. He said he loved me and missed me but it was my fault he wasn't there during the pregnancy. I was willing to move out of state to be with him and his other children but I discovered he doesn't make enough (combined with what my potential salary would be). I was willing to give up my whole life but since I was having a baby I needed to be able to provide for the baby. I asked him to come in case I delivered early. He went to visit a friend and his brother instead. I had the baby 4 weeks early via emergency c-section. I asked him to come. He said he didn't have money to come. He finally saw the baby at 6 weeks old because I bought him a plane ticket to come. During his visit he never once changed a diaper, never got up in the middle of the night to care for the baby, said he doesn't push strollers, and would sit on the couch watching the baby cry waiting for me to tend to the baby. He called the baby "it" and a "rat", said "oh there he goes again" whenever the baby cried, said he hoped he doesn't look like a "chink" (I'm half Asian), and sent me and the baby out in the rain to get him food because I was too tired to cook dinner. He was out shopping at a book store when I asked him to pick up formula because I was running out. Instead he came back and I packed up the baby and got it myself. He says he wants to be involved but I've only heard from him once in 6 weeks since he went back to his house. He offers no money no emotional support. He says we need to figure out a way to be together but I don't think he knows what he really wants. He says if he is with us he is abandoning his other kids (which I understand). But he has totally abandoned this child in the meantime. I want to tell him off but also want to make sure I handle this in a way that is best for my child in the long run. I know I have to deal with the consequences of having a relationship with this person but I don't think he's a good father or a good person. I worry about my child's future and wondered if any of you out there had any thoughts about how I should handle this situation. I'm open to anything you might have to say. Thanks

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  • I'm going to be blunt mamabear, f*** him. All the blame isn't all on him. You really should have found out what kind of man he really was before you brought a life into this world. Now unfortunately, you are in this on your own. I know it's not what you wanted, but it's the cards life has dealt you, and you have to play your hand for your child's sake. Just by the way he acted around the baby, he is not someone you want around your developing baby. If he wants to be out with his other children that's fine. If he wants to make you feel guilty about that then let him stay out there. What you're going to have to do is go to court so you can get child support. And don't regret it. If you moved out to where he's at, just how he behaved and had you going out in the rain with the baby is exactly what he would have you do out there. And by the way, going out in the rain was stupid. You should have let him starve. So take him to court for child support because that's the only support you're going to get from that man.

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    • Thank you for your answer! I agree I should have let him starve and should have figured out more who he was before I got pregnant. I love my baby so much and just don't want to make any more mistakes with his father. I just don't want to be blamed in the future for "keeping him away" even though he's doing that all on his own.

    • You're not keeping him away. If he ever wants to see your child, let him. Don't let that be something he holds over you.

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