Hey everyone! I know this might be a lot to read, but I'm looking for some advice...
Basically, I have been using drugs (nothing hard, just weed and some pills) to cope with issues from my past and growing up. But I'm now an adult and things are catching up with me. I'm ready to change. Before I wasn't, but I'm fully committed to changing this time and my mind set is completely different. I'm ready to live drug free, because I know it was holding me back. Of course I still want the drugs, but it's nothing my mind can't over come this time (I've sought outside help even in this regard).
Now the problem comes with my boy friend. We have been together for a year and we do love each other. But now that I am changing and getting my life together, I'm wondering if it was the drugs that were limiting my perception.
I am currently completing a degree in University and the last little while my grades have gone from the A to the B range (not a huge difference, but to a good student it makes all the difference)...now my boyfriend he also goes to school (one for trades), but he takes it a lot less seriously than I do and has even told me he doesn't want to finish. I am wondering how I can be with someone who isn't motivated for school, because motivation makes me motivated (if that makes sense).
He also smokes weed as much as I do (this will be the kicker drug btw). I love weed. I am passionate about it. I have just started on my journey of change and I don't want weed in my life at all. My view (despite still loving it) has completely changed. I see it from a different, more negative light.
But my boyfriend, I don't think he will ever change. His family is pot friendly and they are very successful, so I don't think he really thinks he has a need to change. But he doesn't understand that it is something I can't have in my life, because if I know he is doing it...I'm going to want to do it...I'm not even sure why, probably "jealously" that he gets to feel like that. And I know if I have it again, I'll go right back to my old self. Because that's who I am.
So after all that, do you think it is alright to ask my boyfriend to stop smoking for me? We have been together for a year and I know he loves me and I love him, but I don't think I can be with him if he doesn't stop smoking.
And it's not like I'm coming at this from an outsiders perspective who has never smoked, I know that unless someone really wants to change, they won't. And I don't want him to lie to me.
I am talking to him tomorrow night, so I was just looking for advice on what to do if he said "no" or he "didn't think he could do it". I don't want to leave him, but I don't want anything negative to hold me back.
Thank you <3
Most Helpful Guy
You absolutely should give him a CHANCE to change. Talk to him and tell him how you feel just like you did here. You owe him a chance.
BUT... I think you know that he isn't likely to change, and that he will not even truly support you quitting weed. It's a big part of his life, he enjoys it, and most people want to enjoy their vices with the people close to them, because it makes them feel better about themselves when their friends/SO's do it with them.
You need to expect him to fail, and then you're going to have to face a difficult decision. You are absolutely making the right decision from quitting this stuff and taking charge of your life (no one else can do that, so if you don't, you are lost). One of the hardest things for most people is that they've built a group of people around them who all share their vice(s), and when they try to quit, the only way they can succeed is to leave those people behind. That's hard for most people to do, but those that don't almost always get pulled back into their old life.
In order to succeed, you're going to have to leave behind those people, and assuming your boyfriend doesn't quit too, then that's going to include him. It's your choice, but this decision is bigger than just you and your boyfriend; it could very well be the decision between success and failure for the next decade or more of your life.
Choose wisely. The right decision is rarely the easy one, and that's often how you know it's the right one.1