Getting my life together, should I keep my boyfriend around?

Hey everyone! I know this might be a lot to read, but I'm looking for some advice...

Basically, I have been using drugs (nothing hard, just weed and some pills) to cope with issues from my past and growing up. But I'm now an adult and things are catching up with me. I'm ready to change. Before I wasn't, but I'm fully committed to changing this time and my mind set is completely different. I'm ready to live drug free, because I know it was holding me back. Of course I still want the drugs, but it's nothing my mind can't over come this time (I've sought outside help even in this regard).

Now the problem comes with my boy friend. We have been together for a year and we do love each other. But now that I am changing and getting my life together, I'm wondering if it was the drugs that were limiting my perception.

I am currently completing a degree in University and the last little while my grades have gone from the A to the B range (not a huge difference, but to a good student it makes all the difference) my boyfriend he also goes to school (one for trades), but he takes it a lot less seriously than I do and has even told me he doesn't want to finish. I am wondering how I can be with someone who isn't motivated for school, because motivation makes me motivated (if that makes sense).

He also smokes weed as much as I do (this will be the kicker drug btw). I love weed. I am passionate about it. I have just started on my journey of change and I don't want weed in my life at all. My view (despite still loving it) has completely changed. I see it from a different, more negative light.

But my boyfriend, I don't think he will ever change. His family is pot friendly and they are very successful, so I don't think he really thinks he has a need to change. But he doesn't understand that it is something I can't have in my life, because if I know he is doing it...I'm going to want to do it...I'm not even sure why, probably "jealously" that he gets to feel like that. And I know if I have it again, I'll go right back to my old self. Because that's who I am.

So after all that, do you think it is alright to ask my boyfriend to stop smoking for me? We have been together for a year and I know he loves me and I love him, but I don't think I can be with him if he doesn't stop smoking.

And it's not like I'm coming at this from an outsiders perspective who has never smoked, I know that unless someone really wants to change, they won't. And I don't want him to lie to me.

I am talking to him tomorrow night, so I was just looking for advice on what to do if he said "no" or he "didn't think he could do it". I don't want to leave him, but I don't want anything negative to hold me back.

Thank you <3


Most Helpful Guy

  • You absolutely should give him a CHANCE to change. Talk to him and tell him how you feel just like you did here. You owe him a chance.

    BUT... I think you know that he isn't likely to change, and that he will not even truly support you quitting weed. It's a big part of his life, he enjoys it, and most people want to enjoy their vices with the people close to them, because it makes them feel better about themselves when their friends/SO's do it with them.

    You need to expect him to fail, and then you're going to have to face a difficult decision. You are absolutely making the right decision from quitting this stuff and taking charge of your life (no one else can do that, so if you don't, you are lost). One of the hardest things for most people is that they've built a group of people around them who all share their vice(s), and when they try to quit, the only way they can succeed is to leave those people behind. That's hard for most people to do, but those that don't almost always get pulled back into their old life.

    In order to succeed, you're going to have to leave behind those people, and assuming your boyfriend doesn't quit too, then that's going to include him. It's your choice, but this decision is bigger than just you and your boyfriend; it could very well be the decision between success and failure for the next decade or more of your life.

    Choose wisely. The right decision is rarely the easy one, and that's often how you know it's the right one.


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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 3

  • Yeah, you're totally legit in asking him to quit. Just tell him you can't have weed in your life anymore and he's going to have to make a choice. It's tough, but it's the only fair thing for both of you.

    You've got to be prepared to see him choose the weed though. In the end, that's not a bad thing as then you know where you stand.

  • I think you should tell him. Because if you don't, you're just going to bottle it in and explode it all on him at some point. That's how it works when people hide how they truly feel. You should tell him now when you're calm and collected.

    If he is really concerned about your well being and your willingness to advance in life, he will respect your decision and do everything he can to help you. If he can't, then it's clear he's only going to drag you down. If he's not willing to give it up, then he should at least keep it away from you and just leave it between him and his friends. But honestly, does he have a future?

    Where will you be in 5 years, and where will he be in 5 years?

  • I don't think this is about your boyfriend smoking pot. It is common for women to think they have outgrown their man. You are "completing a degree in University" and I am assuming he is not. You no longer view your boyfriend as an equal and are looking for an excuse to upgrade to a boyfriend that is on your level. This is why guys tend to marry down, while women marry up.


What Girls Said 2

  • You are a very strong girl to give up something that has Ben a part of you so I wanna start off by saying congratulations. I know it's gonna be a hard decision but if you truly wanna move on from smoking weed I do suggest moving on I'd he doesn't wanna stop with you. If he truly loved you he will respect your decision and at least try. But I truly encourage you to do your best to work it out because true love is hard to find but in the end you success is more important. Good luck I wish the best

  • I am in the exact same boat!! I have to quit to get a job and since I have, he goes out with his friends and still smokes and has been lying about it... I really really really want to smoke too, and I get so jealous of his fun... plus he won't get a job because he has disability pay checks from the army and says that is why he never has to work or do anything. I'm about to start a career in tech and have a handful of extra jobs that I work on from home... I have what I consider every reason to want to smoke to de-stress, but of course, he gets to sit at home and smoke all day and I will be changing/getting drug tests constantly for my line of work.. and... he's 6 years older than me and I feel I am much more mature... I am beyond tears with the fact that he doesn't want to have sex with me as well. This is amazing.. I am so grateful you shared your story. I love that I am not alone, though I hope things will turn out well for you as well.


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