I want to be friends with my ex, what to do?

This is in relation to my previous question. It has been 3 weeks since I broke up with my boyfriend. I am not really mad at him, and it just didn't really work out between us, so I still want us to be friends. We work in a same office and he keeps on ignoring all my attempts to talk to him. I hate to see him so grumpy and quiet during the whole shift. I don't talk about us with our colleagues so they are trying to ask me what has been happening between us. They've seen us through our entire relationship for more than 2yrs. I sensed that maybe he is not really ready to talk about it yet so I stayed away for more than a week. I tried to talk to him again today and he still ignores me. I asked him if he could remove my photo as his profile pic because I don't want to hope that he still has feelings for me and the possibility of us getting back together. He did change his profile pic but he still ignores me. He does not answer my texts, calls, he doesn't even respond when I send him private messages in the office. Why is he doing this to me? How shall I respond to his behavior?
Updates:
I got a message from him. He is not mad and he just needs time to be alone to think. I'm just relieved to know that he is not mad at me. :)

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19

Most Helpful Guy

  • sigh...When will women figure out that you can't have a consolation prize. When you date someone, there is no going back. You either continue to date, or you no longer exist in each others lives.

    I think women want and enjoy this sort of arrangement for a few reasons. 1) It relieves them of the guilt that many women suffer from, that is inherent in their gender due to the increased level of empathy women are programmed to have for people. 2) she can still fulfill a lot of her desired even with a guy who is just a friend. She can have an emotional connectiong/support, security, a companion for activities and events, etc. The key being the emotional connection that is still able to remain even outside of a relationship.

    Guys on the other hand are more sexual. The emotional stimulation isn't as much a driving factor as the sexual things are and by sexual I don't just mean intercourse. We want to be physically close to you, to touch you (i.e. holding hands, cuddling, kissing, sex etc,) and to feel that female affection. The problem is non of this can be had through a friendship. It's really the same reason guy either want to date you or have nothing to do with you. We don't like being friends with girls, simply because we don't get the same value as women do out of a simply friendship.

    When a girl asks a guy to be friends after a relationship, its like giving a child a toy to play with, then after it becomes their favorite toy, you take it away and tell them they can no longer play with it, but they can just look at it. Obviously that's such a tease, and so emotionally and physically gut wrenching that its practically unbearable. So as a result, we find that if we can't play with the toy, our best solution is to throw it away, so we're not tempted to play with it, nor does it illicit an emotional response when we see it.

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    • reality bites.. though I really don't want him to think that I'm teasing him.. we started out as friends, and this whole relationship/break-up thing made me realize that we might be better off as friends.. If he needs time for him to realize things then I'm willing to give him that

    • Another thing I should add, is depending on your post break up relationship, some guys might perceive you as playing with their emotions. I've had girls put me on emotional rollercoasters post break up because they would one day be texting me that they missed me, then the next telling me were never getting back together. Obviously this sends mixed signals and toys with your emotions, making it hard to move on.

      I just think for guys its hard to downgrade our affection.

    • It's hard to go from loving someone to just being friends. Stepping up is easy, stepping down isn't. Quite frankly, I don't know how girls do it.

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What Guys Said 8

  • It's a package deal sweet heart...you break then you don't get to be friends based on YOUR well...but only if HE wanted...and since -after 2 whole f***in years which is a long time if you ask me- you threw him away to the garbage can, then I guess HE needs to NOT see you for the next 2 years at least till HE be able to be healed from what YOU did to him.

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    • wow.. and you didn't even know what happened or why we broke up... nice comment

    • Dear QA,

      I saw your previous question, NO it didn't change my answer, only made me ask another question, if he was that childish why did you continued seeing him for 2 years?! 2 YEARS...it is a looong time to do something as "experimental"...usually people who spend time that long pop the question for marriage!

  • Because men and women can't be friends after a break up. I'll never understand why the need to be friends after something like that. The best way for this guy to get over you is zero contact! And work place dating is a bad idea, I think that should be a clue for you. My parents have been divorced for 20 years now. They don't speak to each other. What for? An ex is an ex, not.. Friend,prior to that girlfriend. Doesn't work like that. Best if you both don't speak to each other

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    • that's for him to decide... like I said, I really can't force him if I want us to be friends..

  • If he's ignoring you, he has no desire to be friends with you. Accept that you are not friends any more. Leave him be.

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  • 3 weeks is soon. Try 6-8 weeks. It he still isn't receptive than you guys can't be friends

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    • Thanks... If he needs years for him to realize that we can be friends, then so be it.. you're right, I might be rushing him into this friendship thing..

  • Kholland is right . Once your done your done . Or you can go back to being BF/GF again

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    • I don't regret my decision of ending our relationship.. I could consider getting back to him but I know that it won't take long for me to think of breaking up with him again if there will not be any changes..

    • being friends is a good idea not a bad idea , but it might be a little hard

  • It doesn't work that way, sorry. You let him into your life, he told you things he wouldn't tell other people and you did the same. You shared good and bad moments with one another; you probably even argued and got through it. You caused him stress and he stayed, he caused you stress and you stayed. You two had a bond for two years.

    For some reason, women are usually fine with just being friends after a relationship ends. That's not the case for men. Once it's over we're gone for good.

    Do the guy a favor and stop initiating contact with him, if he wants to be friends he'll talk to you, if he doesn't (which he probably won't) you won't hear from him again.

    Just a FYI, for men it's a lot easier to move on knowing that their ex is no longer in their life.

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    • I don't want him to be more far from me that he is now.. I didn't realize it would be this hard for us to be friends again.. he needs to move on first before we become friends again..

    • Whether he moves on or not he may not want to be friends. You're both hurting, but he's probably hurting more. You broke up with him, so it's going to have a greater impact on him. Like I said, you see it as a break-up, he sees it as a bond being severed and the loss of someone he loves. It sounds dramatic but that's exactly what is going on in his mind right now. Give him his space and assume that he will not go back to being friends, if he does than great, if not just respect his wants...

  • Don't talk to him. He can't be your "friend." Men cannot go backwards emotionally in a relationship. And, don't date anymore co-workers, that just causes a whole lot of problems.

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  • You just want to use him for a shoulder to cry on or for emotional stimulation.

    Get over it and move on. There's plenty of people in the world that can be your friend.

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    • not really... I have my female friends for me to cry on.. I want us to be friends because he's not a bad person.. he might have neglected me during the time we were together but I am not mad at him..

What Girls Said 1

  • Unless it is work related leave him alone and give him space. If you do not give him space you will push him away more in general.

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    • I guess I have no other choice but to give him more time for himself then. thanks!

    • You are welcome. Just go with the flow and then see what happens later. He also may not want to be buddy buddy since you just broke up which is normal.

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