Am I really an asshole? I don't think so, but...

My brother and I had a very candid conversation about the state of my dating life. I went out with this younger up and coming photographer. She was very fun, really cool, but also 22 and liked to have a good time several nights a week. We were involved for maybe 2 months, we had some good physical chemistry, she was fun. But it was what it was.

I don’t think that I ever really took her seriously as a potential girlfriend, fiancé, wife. My brother hung out with us on a few occasions and he kind of bluntly stated that I’m kind of an a$$hole (only my brother could get away with saying this to my face lol).

He said the vibe he picked up on when he was around us was that I was very laid back about our whole situation. It was very clear to him that “she was just there”. He said that he could look at her and tell it bothered her. But I thought everything was cool. She was a party girl. I felt I was respectful. There were at 2 situations where we were at parties thrown by her friends and if I really were an a$$hole I could’ve bombed 2 of her friends who came onto me. I was very gentlemanly and did not partake (even though I felt both girls were more my physical type). So, I think I should get credit for that. A lesser man would have taken a bite of the apple. I never even told her that her BFFs tried to make moves because I didn’t want to see her hurt, and really I wasn’t about the drama. So I think that proves I’m not and a$$hole.

I’m a loyal guy. But my brother says that he notices a pattern of behavior with me, where I’m always less invested in the “relationship” or whatever it is I’m involved in with these girls. I wouldn’t have thought so, until recently she kind of let some of her insecurities out of the bag about what our “status” was. Honestly I felt ambushed; we’d been drinking and were in bed. I didn’t think that it was an appropriate time for that kind of discussion. So I told her she was cool people but I was half-way asleep. That was basically the beginning of the end. I felt pressured, and it made me want to talk to other girls. I told her that our time together was our time together, and our time apart was our time apart.

I don’t want to be a lifelong bachelor; I could be dating the wrong girls. It’s entirely possible, but who are the “right” girls? I can’t be with someone I’m not attracted to, but I’m attracted to girls I end up not taking seriously. WTF? It’s not my aim to make women feel as if they are interchangeable, but I’m also strong-willed and won’t bullied into something I’m not 110% sure about. That’s happened once before and almost ended up in what would have been a really bad marriage for me – I would have resented my wife. Honestly, I’m a bit scared to end up in a routine relationship.

Looks are not my #1 priority. You're out of line for that. Pretty girls are a dime a dozen. I stressed the point that I thought this girl was really cool. She had a big heart. But she brings the topic up by insinuation rather than asking me if I'm her BF. Second she waited till 2am after we'd both been partying. Wasn't trying to have a deep discussion when I'm sleepy &/or drunk. What was I supposed to do? Lie? Plus we'd only been dating like 6 or 7 weeks. Way too soon for a relationship.
Oh, and in case you're wondering even though she wasn't my official "GF" I wasn't sleeping with anyone else. I told her I wouldn't have sex with other girls and I kept my word as I always do. I don't make promises I can't/won't keep.

I'm sorry that I'm not a sap and I don't WIFE girls after kissing them once in the park or going on a few dates, or having sex a few times. But when I give my word that I'm committed, I really am. I believe that the best things are worth waiting for.


Most Helpful Girl

  • I don't think you an a**hole.

    An a**hole would be someone who tells the girl what she wants to hear to get what he wants...

    You meet someone, like them...have fun... don't want something serious with them. And that's okay. If you honest with them, I don't see the problem. Sure, your brother might be right, that it bothered her. But to be honest, that's her problem. She's an adult and just like you, she has to decide what kind of "relationship" she wants. And if it's not what she wants she can end it. Just like you. It's not your responsibility. Your only responsibility is to be honest...

    I was always against being with someone just because 'people' say it is right... I don't want to be in a relationship just because it's want people think you have to do not to be an a**hole.

    I always thought that when the time and the right person comes along things will happen and fall in place. About the "wrong girls"... I mean yeah, you're choosing the type of person you're with... so maybe you have to really think about the kind of person you could be in a relationship with.

    The hardest thing for me is to get to that point where what you want and what you need can finally be the same. But till that happens, have fun... life your life.


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What Girls Said 6

  • I think the problem was more the communication. You like to take your time to get to know someone before getting into a relationship. This girl, obviously sounded like she thought things were more serious than they were, or had the potential to be more serious.

    I think both of you dropped the ball in this situation just because the communication obviously wasn't working. She should have been more upfront about her expectations. She should have said she wanted a more serious relationship.

    I agree, 6 or 7 weeks is far too soon to know whether a relationship is serious or not. I'm curious, how did you both define the relationship? Or did you define the relationship? This might have been the problem. I know it seems silly to have to define a relationship, but obviously you both had different ideas as to what the situation was.

    You were more laid back, and casual about the situation. You wanted to get to know her, spend time with her, have sex with her, etc... She on the other hand, she thought things were serious.

    Now I think she should have told you what she wanted, and should have realized that you weren't serious. But love is blind I guess. I dated a guy like you before, and yes, I was hurt. But I don't blame him entirely for how things ended. It was what it was. Mind you, me and my ex dated much longer than you and this girl (we were together for over 2 years.).

    But I think for the future, just be upfront. Girls tend to be more committment-oriented. We like to think of the future and whether a guy would be a good husband (silly I know). But that's how a lot of girls approach a relationship.

    Whereas you might want to get to know the person first.

    • Thanks. To me, a relationship only comes after we?ve had a discussion. She seemed to be cool with that. There is a lot of expectation that goes along with being an actual BF. There are obligations. It?s not the same as dating. She nodded as if she understood. She seemed very relaxed. Plus, if she wanted to be Girlfriend material she should have stepped her game up a little. I mean, she wanted to go out 5 days a week and show up at my place with open alcohol containers at 4am when I was sleep.

    • Wow, classy much (open containers of alcohol at 4am :S). I agree with how you felt. To make a girl your girlfriend, you want someone who lives up to certain standards. If she wasn't meeting them, and after getting to know her, you decided not to make her your girlfriend, to me that's fair. You gave her a chance.

  • You're not ready for a serious relationship. The girl you were seeing might consider you an a**hole, however she has to take responsibility for her own stake in this. You're simply looking out for your best interest and doing what you want. She should have done the same. Personally I wouldn't have messed with you if I was not getting what I wanted from you from the beginning, she did so she chose to take the subservient role and play herself.

    • If a girl told me that she wanted me to be her boyfriend only a few weeks into dating her, seeing (not talking actual dates, but literally seeing her) her less than 20 times, I'd think that she was kind of jumping the gun. I don't feel as though I was being selfish at all. I feel like I was being realistic. I'm looking out for our collective best interest.Too many women want a Boyfriend so badly that they don't fully get find out if the match is right. When they get suck.

  • just say these words... "I'm not ready for a relationship" and leave it at that - you are honest and upfront and she knows what to do with herself - if she likes you she'll stick around to see how it goes - or not! - if she wants a proper relationship she'll leave - if she wants to have fun - she'll 'dabble' a bit and move on - no hard feelings to anyone - but always be kind and honest and you'll never go wrong - one day you might meet the one that makes you feel very nice and fuzzy I hope so!

    • I think I'm ready to settle down now. The game is getting repetitive.

  • I think you're kind of an a**hole. You go into these things sounding extremely entitled. You think you should be given a medal for not hooking up with one of that girl's friends? Sheesh. I think you're an a**hole for even thinking it, and then coming out and saying they were more your physical type anyway. That sentence made it very clear that looks are your number one priority, so those are the girls you pick to date. But since personality is what makes people stay, you never have interest in staying for long.

    The problem lies with you I'm afraid to say. If you weren't a jerk, as soon as this recent girl wanted to know your status, you should've done the right thing and moved on completely from her. She was obviously hoping for more, and instead you called her "cool people" in bed together, and started talking to other girls. When you should've just cut the poor girl loose.

    • Lol goddman. I knew I was asking for it with this question, but I wasn't expecting someone to rip me a new one quite like this, my feelings are a little bit hurt.

      Of course, your points would hold even more weight with me if you didn?t hide behind an ?Anon? name. First of all, I don?t understand how I seem entitled? And a$$hole, would have f**cked both her friends and still kept hooking up with her. Or worse, left her for her friends. That?s not me.

    • Show All
    • as honest as I can which is what I think you wanted.

    • Lol, I'm just kidding with you about hurting my feelings. But look, I only raised the point about her friends because I'm thinking to myself that a real prick would have taken advantage, especially since I did find them attractive and they both touched me without me asking. I didn't even introduce myself to them. I basically ran from one because I didn't want trouble. I didn't consider it at the time. I'm only recalling it now because of what my bro said and you said.

  • There's no wrong in dating around or having a 'less than serious' arrangement with someone but when she says she's looking for a mate, and you tell her you'll be transparent, that means when you DO figure out she isn't what you want, you tell her right away and break it off. She should never of had to bring up that question to get an answer like "I think you're cool people". If you could say that to her, then you also could have said to her probably a whole month ago, "you know what I've enjoyed getting to know you but it's not what I'm looking for. Good luck to you." Then she'd of been hurt, but she would have went on her merry way to look for mister right. You can't just knowingly waist someone's time like that and have it just 'be ok'. She told you what she wanted and as soon as you know you can't give it to her, you cut her loose. About the whole commitment deal. You'll find her, one of these days you'll meet one that knocks your socks off, and you'll want ALL OF HER. :)

    • You are making a bunch of assumptions that are wrong. #1) I liked her, and I was finding out how much. It takes time to get to know someone. I'm a busy man. We saw each other 2 times a week usually. 6-7 weeks is not long enough. I didn't dislike her or treat her like a club girl. But she did some immature things to make me need more time to think it through. Also, I knew she was an affectionate person. But all girls like to cuddle and kiss and stuff, I didn't know she wanted a Boyfriend that soon.

    • 6-7 weeks is long enough for many people to know whether or not they see potential for a relationship. Some people move quicker, some slower . . . If I dated you for 2 months thinking it may go somewhere then you tell me I'm cool people, I'd take that as a big ole F You and I'd be out the door. If you aren't ready but still MIGHT BE SOON, then you tell her that you need more time. I think your guard is up from the last poster because I certainly didn't make any assumptions, reread my answer

    • You assumed that she was "looking for a mate". When we met, it was a casual dating situation. She's totally NOT that girl who get's whiny and super attached. She was so relaxed...that's why I liked her. When I tell someone that they are cool, that's a big compliment. Most girls aren't lol. Besides, she should be all like "You met all my friends, and normally intro them to guys I date" & "I think you're talented and missed you this week." I told her that Iiked her and she was cool people.

  • idk it sounds like with some people the more you don't want a relationship and only want to keep things casual the harder they try to change your mind. I personally hate when that happens. like its against the law to be single. anyways it doesn't sound like you're ready for a serious commitment or even want one and that's all it is. and you have every right to make that decision. maybe one you'll meet someone who's as laid back as you are with the whole "relationship" thing and is in to enjoying life for what it is and not worry about what it's not.

    • You know, Jay-Z once said in a song "Some day I'll slow down - but for now I get around..." Who would have ever thought he'd be a family man now. I know for a fact that if I live past 35-I will get married.I'm not a player at all actually. But I also don't fake it. I don't tell girls "what they wanna hear" just to have sex. I broke a girl's heart once because I committed too soon, and realized it wasn't right. I stayed too long and made it worse. I swear I'll never do it again.

    • i'm sorry to hear that happened as in breaking someone's heart. that's gotta hurt just as much. anyways I think taking your time is the right thing to do especially if you said one day you'd like consider marriage. just not right now. and like I said before some people totally race hurry into relationships and marriage (men and women) and well I think you're taking the right approach and are being honest with where you are.

What Guys Said 3

  • Ok, so I don't think you're an a$$hole, at least not a complete a$$hole. But consider this: you're treating women as basically your arm candy in public and a warm place to stick it in private. That makes you a douchnozzle of galactic proportions. You won't have a real relationship with a woman until you're able to cherish her and unselfishly want only the very best for her. The right girl for you to date is the one you can commit to in this way - unselfishly cherish her.

    • First of all Rasmus...what straight man doesn't wanna have sex with an attractive woman...second, I don't treat women like "arm candy" all the time. Some girls are mean to be arm candy/party girls. Some girls are wife material. I didn't make things that way, it is what it is. Third, I've had "serious" relationships. When I meet a worthy mate with whom I really have a connection with I have no problem being in a monogamous relationship. Isn't that what dating in your 20's is all about? Searching

  • You're just not ready for a serious long term relationship yet.

    Don't worry about it.

    When you're ready, you're ready. And you'll be less likely to cheat if you aren't forced into one ahead of time.

  • Let me explain. Most women, regardless of how they act or what they say, just want a stable relationship with a man who is loyal to them.

    So when you're dating, you need to understand that she's looking at you as a potential serious partner, not just as a casual, fun guy that she likes to mess around with.

    If you're not taking it seriously, then you're doing her a disservice, and you're wasting her time.

    You're not an a**hole, but you need to be upfront about it if that's not what you're looking for.

    • Thanks for resonding. But I told her on the first date that it takes me a while to enter into a "serious" relationship, she said she understood. The only thing that I promised was that I'd be 100% honest and transparent.On our 1st date I went to pay our bill and accidently left my phone on our table. Randomly a girl I texted me when I was away. She read the text and asked me "So who is Steph?"...I told her "she's a girl I'm talking to." She said she respected the honesty and understood.