How many second chances to give a guy?

The guy I like keeps saying/doing things that upset me. We always make up, but then he backs away for a long time. When he's "ready" he calls and spends the day with me, chatting, apologizing, etc. On the days we're together, he seems fabulous -- exactly the type of guy I'd date, be friends with, etc. For a few days afterward, everything will be fine and we'll be texting and on the phone like teenagers, but then (once he sees I’m not upset with him anymore) he goes back to square one again. The pattern resumes: no communication, partial explanations of things, or a message saying that he’s about to go do something he knows I don’t like (followed by one that he won’t really have time to do it, then silence for days).

What’s confusing is that he’s a really nice guy, and great to be around or to talk to, but then this just keeps happening. I always “turn the other cheek” and forgive him, but I think he’s officially worn out his second chances….

How many second chances should a guy get before I say "enough" and walk away?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • He knows what he's doing. He's manipulating you. He has realized that he can get away with anything, therefore he's just using you as he pleases. Think of yourself as a yo-yo. He's pushing you away - letting you go from his hand. Whenever you say you've had enough, he just snaps his hand back, apologizes, and you're right back in the palm of his hand. Then he just keeps doing this over and over, like playing with a yo-yo, because he knows you'll come right back to him once he snaps his hand back. I say, grab a pair of scissors and cut the string that tugs you back into the palm of his hand. Put your foot down. Say you've had enough for the last time, then walk away for good. He's had tons of chances to prove himself worthy, and yet every time he decides to just throw it away and keep playing with you. He's taking you for granted. Walk away.

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What Guys Said 5

  • It's not so much about a number of second chances, it's about a willingness to change.

    Your man has clearly demonstrated that he has no real desire to, and so you've reached an impasse. Walking away at this point seems appropriate.

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    • Thanks. Yes, I agree.

  • how many second chances? well it would sound like he ran out of them and is on to his 3rd, 4th, 5th etc

    I would say that his behavior is pretty well established and it doesn't appear that he is going to change. So it becomes one of those "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me" situations

    i think the fact that you are on hear asking this question says everything you need to know about the situation... be done with this guy

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    • Yeah. There's nothing for "fool me 100 times" (lol). I've given him approximately four fresh starts (give or take a few days where we just talked things out and agreed to start again from scratch). There's so much I do like about him, but in the end I don't deserve to be treated poorly, regardless of whatever his good qualities are. At this point, I am done in terms of "the relationship," but friendship/acquaintance will be generally maintained since we have so many friends in common.

  • People can change, but not always. If they do, there's nothing you can do to help, change must come from within, and he's obviously not ready for that. If you're not willing to put up with his sh*t, then let him down nicely and move on with your life.

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    • I sent him an open ended "goodbye" message. He can come back if he wants, but then he has to be serious. I don't want to play any crazy games with a guy; I'm a straightforward sort of person and expect the same from a guy who wants to be with me...

  • Depends what he's doing but give him a few chances to change what he's doing wrong, then if you aren't happy break up. If you keep giving him multiple second chances he will see it as he can get away with anything and you'll always brush it off and stick around. It seems like it's time to put your foot down.

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    • Thank you. It's a shortcoming of mine -- Nice Girl Syndrome. :)

    • Show All
    • I see that, b*tchiness isn't always bad lol I mean you gotta have some backbone and put your foot down when you need to and stand up for yourself :) you can be a nice pleasant girl 90% of the time and b*tchy the other 10% only when you need to be.

    • I do have a strong backbone and stand up to people at work/school/etc. all the time. Just in my private, home life I like things to be calm and pleasant, low-stress, low-drama, so I can reboot from the stress of the "public" life. So if someone calls me a B at work, I shrug it off because bottom line goals are met, but if someone thinks I'm a B in my private life, I feel hurt... Does that make sense? (Lol.)

  • Eh, you might be just as much part of the solution as you are the problem.

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    • A diplomatically vague answer, haha. I see that sticking with him is the same as empowering his behavior. I've already started backing away. The next step is to turn away completely, which is hard as we are in contact with each other about things outside "relationshipville"

What Girls Said 3

  • One. That's why it's called a second chance. Anything after that is just you proving to him that he can get away with sh*t because you'll always take him back.

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  • I would stop now. Why continue to hurt yourself and waste your time?

    This guy is hot and cold, and you never know what he is going to be. I'm sure things are great when he is hot, but when he is cold, sounds like you are miserable.

    Find a guy who isn't going to give you such mixed emotions. There are plenty of guys out there that actually want relationships and know how to treat a girl right and not toy with her emotions.

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    • No offense to my guy friends, but most guys blow hot and cold as soon as the word "relationship" hits the stands. No exceptions. Even the ones who claim to want relationships -- I know this one wants one for certain.

      You're right about stopping now. I do feel like he's toying with me -- picking me up when he wants to play and discarding me when he's distracted by other stuff (either work or play). It's really not fair to me at all.

  • As many as it takes to ask the very question you're asking. As soon as you need to ask if you should give up, it means you know you should but want someone to give you the permission to hang on.

    Bottom line is. when a relationship has unhealthy behavior it's only a matter of time before you have to move on. The more time you spend invested in this, the harder it's going to be to get over it.

    This is shady behavior.

    This is "Player Behavior"

    When you have to ask when you should walk away, it means you should.

    I know it sucks, I know it's hard but eventually I think you're going to find out he has someone else in his life, and that hurts.

    I know this from experience, trust me I know.

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    • I just feel that he's been really introverted since the beginning and has opened up to me a little at a time up to this point. Perhaps it's not time to ditch, specifically, but certainly time to step back and let him figure out what he needs to do to be with a girl. (He hasn't had a relationship in a while and is clearly apprehensive about it. I'm not excusing him from proper behavior, but I see his effort then the points where he freaks out.)

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