Considering marriage, found out she cheated

I have been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for almost 4 years. She joined the navy and I am a full-time engineering student with 2 part time jobs. We were both incredibly busy, yet we still found time to text hundreds of times a day, we Skype about 5-6 hours a day on average (I work from home), and we end every night on the phone together til we both pass out. We wake up and call each other, so that we can "wake up together." She has had clinical depression since before we met, but is too afraid to go to therapy. I have always been trying to support her myself and to keep her happy, but I have always tried to get her to go to therapy as well. She recently started therapy, 2 months ago. I was so proud of her. Things have been absolutely incredible and just last weekend I told my parents that I planned to propose to her in June and that I was looking for a ring.

She just visited and while she was here, she didn't log out of her email. I went to check mine, and it automatically logged into hers and I saw a message from her friend. I did not intentionally go and breach her trust, it was an honest accident that I saw her message. I did read it though.

It turns out that she cheated on me a year ago with him. I told her what I read and she confessed. I am very analytical and I wanted to know everything. I asked her if I could read all of the emails and I questioned her. I tried trick questions. As far as I can tell, when she finally confessed, she answered truthfully.

8 months ago, she was depressed one night and invited this friend over. They had been friends for about 2 years and she was always telling me about how he had new girlfriends. I didn't consider him a threat (he seemed to be an all around jerk) and I trusted her. However, this time, he kissed her. And she said she kissed back. She said he then pinned her down and they had sex. She has serious back problems and was terrified. She was afraid to say no at that point. She said she closed her eyes and waited for him to finish and leave. I remember that about this time she was put on suicide watch on base because her friends had reported her behavior..

I honestly believe this story. I think this is the biggest mistake of her life and she regrets it. She claims she didn't tell me because she felt disgusted, she wanted to be pure for me. She had never kissed or done anything with anyone other than me.

I had her delete every message in email and Facebook and everything to him. I had her give me her passwords and I checked. I want to trust her, but I don't know how to right now. I know that's probably overboard, but I just wanted to make SOME progress as soon as I could. I love her more than anything and I really don't think she would do this again. She was medically discharged and lives at home, so she doesn't have any opportunities until we move in together.

Do I stay with her? Do we try therapy? I don't know what to do. I love her.


Most Helpful Guy

  • Did she keep contact with him after the incident (Facebook email whatever). If she did not delete everything after she came to her senses and had time to think I would disregard the idea of unwillingness on her part.

    To be honest man unless it was rape, a spontaneous ambush, the girls mind was involved in the affair. I mean she knew what was coming. Actually you wrote that she invited this friend over. I think you can consider that invitation as her plan to get laid with this guy. She planned it, she betrayed you she is unfaithful. I am sorry to tell you. I am truly sorry. I don't even want to imagine if it was me instead of you. I think these long term relationships are not a good idea.

    You are studying engineering, great. I think a relationship is like steel for example. It gives great integrity to a structure but if we love the structure and want it to stand, we should not neglect it and even worse abuse it and put it under unnecessary pressure because even steel with all it's strength has it's failure point!

    • As I understand (and believe), she was just looking for a friend to keep her company, and she chose the wrong person to be a friend. He kissed her, she kissed back. and then he pinned her down and she closed her eyes til it was over. I don't think its rape, she kissed back, she didn't say no. But at the same time, if you are having sex and your partner has their eyes closed and are just waiting for it to end... And she deleted all forms of contact and gave me passwords to check.

    • Well, if she kissed back that means she wanted it.

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What Girls Said 2

  • i don't know man that's a tough question. I think you're going to have give this some time and see how you feel. it kinda sounds like she's got some long term issues she's going to have to deal with and I suppose the question is if you're prepared to be in on that for the long run. personally I'd take a break from the whole relationship with her until you know what you want. good luck and take care ok?

    • The problem is that I know what I want. And I know what she wants. We are both willing to do whatever to fix it. The long term issues do not matter to me. I am not saying that I am the type that gets in a relationship to "fix" someone. Rather, I love her, and I know that I can help her continue with therapy and overcome her problems. I think time without her will help clear my mind, I don't know if I could abandon her. It was traumatic and even if it hurt me, I want to help her. Thank you

    • yeah its not about abadoning her at all. its about needing some time to think things through and maybe giving her some time will help her too. I really hope she has a support group aside from just you. and I sure hope you have support too. time can be the best medicine when we're at an impasse in life. I also want to say that I really respect you for being so mature and honest about your relationship with her. you can message me anytime you'd like to talk ok?

  • yes you stay...first of all as humans we need human touch and long distance relationships are tough as it is but even more so when you can't see or feel each other physically...if you two love each other then make the move and drop all the dumb stuff.

    • It's not just "make the move." I am trying to get a degree to support our family. She is taking classes at home because she can't afford to move out here. If it were that simple, it would of happened years ago. I know people make mistakes, but that also doesn't make it okay or make it not hurt.

    • im not saying you should just forget it,its cheating but you have to decide whether you can trust her again or not,is this a deal breaker for u..maybe you two need a break but then again if you do that will it drive her into another mans arms..its a tough call

What Guys Said 2

  • " and I trusted her"

    Yeah, guys get burned like that. I don't know when guys will learn. You can't leave women alone for any length of time or they will cheat on you. I can't count the number of times I've heard of this happen and seen it.

    "She claims she didn't tell me because she felt disgusted, she wanted to be pure for me"

    Yeah, what else is she going to say, that he was really good and she misses him?

    "I had her delete every message in email and Facebook and everything to him"

    Really, here's a guy who held here down and had sex with her, something she "hated" (wink, wink) yet, she still has email and Facebook references to this guy. Wow, that's a sucker born every minute.

    Only you can make the final decision, but she's got no respect for you. I wonder when she's going to get "depressed" again?

    • "Yeah, guys get burned like that. I don't know when guys will learn " Stopped reading there. I doubt if someone can generalize half the population into one person, they have anything worth listening to.

  • I highly recommend that you try something such as therapy. This is not a lost cause because she is genuinely repentant and does not seem more interested in pursuing an external relationship. In short she's not a hoe.

    This kind of thing is sort of grey but I would say there's a great chance that instead of hiding it to protect herself it was legitimately to try and cope with the situation and protect you at the same time. Odds are it would have come out of her sooner or later with marriage.

    • I agree. But that is just what I want to believe as well. She did say that she was hoping it would never of come up because I didn't deserve it and she felt genuinely horrible about it. Thanks for the input.

    • Yeah, no problem, whatever the case whichever way you go try to be supportive and should you exit do so on graceful terms. As she is mentally ill this will heavily impact her whichever way is discussed so it may be a slower process than you wish. Stay cool.

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