In primary school since I was around 8-11, I had my first crush on a boy. We were great friends and I was crazy about him, valentine cards..birthdays..we even 'dated' for a day or two haha. We often got paired together to sing at school events etc as I sing and so does he along with his guitar.
Although we were pretty close, without a doubt, I was besotted with him more than he was with me.
I never saw much of him after primary school, as he went to a different secondary school. However, this changed about a year ago.
After years of not speaking properly to each other, he joined our school just over a year ago. (then in our 2nd last year of school) I barely spoke a word to him and avoided him because I was so embarrassed of how much I liked him when we were kids.
Now just two months ago, I started dating my current boyfriend, who of course, to make matters easier, is good friends with this guy and they play in a band together. I'm disgusted with myself but I've just admitted to myself that I still like him, we speak a lot more now and I get nervous when I'm around him and I hate myself for feeling this way because my boyfriend is such an amazing guy and we get along so well but I can't help but feel I'll never like him as much as he likes me and it kills me. While I don't entirely want to throw my relationship away, I can't help the way I feel about this guy and it's stupid I know. It makes me feel horrible I wish I didn't feel this way.
Even if I ended it with my boyfriend, it wouldn't be a case of running straight to the other guy, I'm aware it can't happen as that could destroy a friendship and I really don't think I could ever do that. The sad thing is, I always knew I deep down still liked him, I just couldn't admit it to myself. And now that I know I still do, it's eating me up inside. I haven't been flirting with him and I've been trying to keep my distance because it feels like things are great, like when we were friends as kids. I've noticed him slightly checking me out on nights out too.
How do I stop thinking about him because I know no good can come out of this situation, I just want to stop feeling the way I do because my boyfriend is so great to me and it hurts so bad knowing I feel this way.