Why come back after 6/12 yrs, only to leave again? all welcome, but really need a mans opinion here!

My ex husband & childs dad, emailed me 7 months ago after no contact for 6 years & divorced for 12. I was in total shock! I was cautious about talking to him again, but replied out of curiosity. He started emailing constantly saying he got his life together, regretted leaving me everyday since, was a changed man, still loved me & that his goal was to be together again one day. Those were words I'd always wanted to hear from him. Within a month, we were talking on & off ALL day, he traveled to see me as often as possible & great times were had. 4 months in, he started contacting me less & less. A month ago I told him I'd rather end it than keep going this way. He said "no" & would "try harder," but after we only talked when I initiated it. Last week I texted asking him to please give me a proper ending for closure & respect, since it was clear he didn't want me anymore. He said he was asleep & would talk tomorrow, but didn't. A few days later he texted to say happy b'day, but no mention of anything else. 3 days ago I texted saying I'm still waiting on my closure...no reply. 2 days ago I sent my last text saying goodbye forever & sorry it has to end this way..no reply. I've known him 22 years (friends for 5 b4 dating)! Why start this again after 12 years, only to leave again? I gave him several ways out, why didn't he take them? As someone he was married to, a friend, supported his sobriety, the mother of his child & forgave him for the hurt he caused (which he was SO thankful 4), how can he not even send a text saying "peace out?" I'm not some random chick he only dated for awhile. How can he go from "I love u" to completely disappearing so fast? Either I'm missing something or he's a psychopath. Any insight would be appreciated


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What Guys Said 2

  • It's hard to own up to one's own faults. Men find it especially hard to admit fault and take blame for situations, partly because of the social expectation that they are supposed to be responsible for others.

    One of the ways men protect their ego is to convince themselves that a situation is someone else's fault. If he were to actually respond to you and say that he didn't want you anymore, he would have to admit that HE was the one who terminated the re-relationship.

    By slowly fading out of the picture, he had YOU saying goodbye and even apologizing to him. So, in his perception, he can feel comfortable that he did no wrong. After all, by distancing himself now, he's doing what YOU said you wanted... ending, closure... right? (Not really, but it's all about perspective)

    He came back after 6 years to relive the good times you used to have, but once the relationship got real, he realized all over again why he left you in the first place. Those reasons were all still there, he just forgot about them over time, and the positive memories blotted out the negative ones.

    People go to great lengths to protect their sense of self and their internal identity. Clearly, his purported regrets and life changes stemmed from a sense of guilt over the first iteration of your relationship. I don't think he wanted to re-experience that sense of shame; thus, he just dropped out.

    Unfortunately, this is the risk you run in rekindling old flames. Leopards can't change their spots. The fact that he's protecting his own pride and self-identity doesn't make his actions noble, but that's the motivation behind it. He'd rather be thankful to himself for all the good things that he's done with his life. He was thankful for your forgiveness because it washed away his previous sins so he didn't have to carry that weight; you lifted his emotional burden.

    You were right to ask for a break-up rather than a half-assed relationship. Keep up the good work.

    • Thank you for your insight! I think most of us on here already know the answers to our questions, but just need to hear it from others. It especially helps to hear it from someone who doesn't know either party.

    • No problem, anytime. And that's a very fascinating idea you bring up - that our answers lie inside, but it helps to hear them externally.

      Warm Regards,


  • Seems appealing of him to do that to you even though you gave him a chance, I think he wants you to always be there for him when he needs you or want you. So admitting goodbye is not what his goal.

    • Thank you for your insight! I've thought that may be the reason he's doing this too. He may think he can come back again at his convenience, because he never officially ended it. Now that I know for sure he hasn't changed, it'll be much easier for me to keep him out of my life for good!

    • I think so too, it's very selfish of him to think he can keep you around but not commit, find yourself a better man, from your response you sound very mature and intelligent, I think you know what to do already

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