Would you be upset if your significant other reached out to an ex without telling you?

Hello all,

My girlfriend of 3+ years is moving to another state because of a great job opportunity (there's a very high chance that I will move there too due to good opportunities and cheaper cost of living)...anyway we were discussing her move recently and I was under the impression that she did not know anyone in this state..but she hinted to knowing someone. Out of curiosity I ask if it was a family member or someone from our college (we are in our 20's)..and she says no. OK, so I then say "I thought you didn't know anyone there?" She kind of dismisses the question and goes to the next subject.

So my curiosity gets to the best of me..and then I open her Facebook page to snoop (yes I was wrong, but we've always had an open Facebook and password type of thing going- we sometimes get on each others pages when one of us doesn't have our phone)...anyway I see a message to one of her ex boyfriends who happens to live in the city and state(high school ex)

Basically she reached out to him for apartment advice and wished him well (they have not spoken for years). She also stated that she'd "love" to catch up and would probably need a tour guide and to hit her up when he has time.

Now naturally I get a little upset, not necessarily because he's an ex but because she didn't tell me about any of it- she basically hid the entire thing from me. Yes I am a little taken back by the "tour guide" and "love to catch up" thing but honestly I can tell it was all friendly. Although I know I'm the jerk for looking, do you guys feel that I am justified in being a little disappointed that she couldn't just be up front about possibly hanging out with an ex? All I'd want is for her to be upfront and at least run it by me as I would not have a problem with it.

I realize that everyone needs space and do not have to tell their significant other every single thing that they do, but how would you guys feel in this situation? Should I bring it up or forget the entire thing? Have any of you dealt with something similar? I know for surebthat I will not be bringing it up to her this week because we will be going on vacay in 2 days- not going to spoil it with this petty stuff. by the way she's a great person and we've had smooth relationship throughout the years.

Sorry for the long post!

-Tim
Updates:
So I def think I owe you all an update. Thanks again for the replies. I was able to bring it up in conversation and told her everything that I mentioned to you all. Everything worked out well. She was understanding and apologetic for not saying something sooner..and was actually quite surprised that I waited so long to bring it up. As I expected, it was harmless and she did feel that I may have gotten upset about it if she brought it up. We've moved forward are are just as happy.


Thanks!

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Hi !

    I understand why you're upset, and I would be as well. Your feelings are perfectly justified.

    I don't think it's a major red flag though.

    Have you two ever mentioned past boyfriends/girlfriends ? If not, she may find it too awkward to tell you about it.

    Do you know if they were friends before they dated ? If so, it could also be her way of building the friendship again.

    If you feel there is nothing behind it, after knowing her for more than three years, I think it's relatively safe to assume there's nothing. The issue is more about how it made you feel and how you can tell her you don't like it.

    I agree with you about the not telling before the trip. You have plenty of time to talk afterward, it would be a shame to have a fight over it and dampen the vacations.

    Perhaps you could mention the subject in a conversation while keeping it light ? Something like : "hey, you know you can talk to me about your ex(es), right ?" would show her you're being cool about it.

    Make her understand (if she doesn't know already) that you are OK with her talking to her ex, but not with her hiding it.

    I hope it'll turn alright for the two of you :)

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    • I agree, I don't see it as a major red flag and we have mentioned exes in past. Nothing too deep but mostly things that have come up in discussion. I'm 99.9% sure there's nothing too it and do not see it but I do plan to discuss it eventually because it still bugs me a little to know that she's being secretive. I like the idea of reassuring her about discussing exes with me so I may try that in the future. Thanks for the input!

    • From what you told us, your relationship looks strong, and keeping it to yourself would probably do more harm than good. I agree about discussing it, and I totally understand you there ^^

      You're more than welcome ! Best wishes :)

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What Girls Said 4

  • I would wait to see if she brings it up and monitor their conversation for now..its wrong of her to do this..catch up? with what? not good

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    • Thanks for the response. Yea she doesn't move til mid June so I'm thinking she may mention it then. I guess my feelings aren't unjust.

    • no they are not,keep your eyes open,our gut never steers us wrong,thats why when you sensed something wrong,u were right in checking

  • yay! communication is key

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  • it would bother me

    some people don't care though

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  • Red flag. Just wait and see if she'll ever bring it up and find a chance to confront her.

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What Guys Said 2

  • I wouldn't bother me that much, but I would be curious to know why the urge was there to contact the ex.

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  • I wouldn't be upset as long as she doesn't go out and meet him in person without telling me.

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    • I guess I'll see in June when she moves. I'm thinking that she may at least bring it up then if she goes through with it.

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