Platonic spoonings, sleepovers and sensual massages?

We’re in college, late 20’s, not religious, reasonably attractive people.

JUST THE GIST: Movies in his bed. He initiated spooning, massaging, touching. I reciprocated everything. Upon his asking, I spent the night the last 2 times. No kiss! No touching my butt/chest. (while awake; see “more info.”) Hasn’t played with my hands. Those who want in my pants usually do some variation of those things. In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s how most movie-watching-bed-lying times end up amongst 20-somethings. What is the deal?

MORE INFO: Hung out 3 times this past wk. 2 sleepovers. Spooned and embraced all night. His hands: inside my shirt the moment we hit the bed, last time, particularly. Caressing, scratching, massaging, rubbing my back and arms. Stroking my hair, neck, cheeks, bare waist. I don’t initiate, just reciprocate. Slid my bra straps down out of the way to caress my shoulders and slips his hand under my band to caress my back. With his arms already entirely up the back of my shirt, “Do you want a tank so I don’t stretch your shirt?” We slept twice in a horizontal hug, which, by the way, is evilly uncomfortable. Arms under/around waists. My thigh between his. Against the man’s crotch. Yes, he placed it there. His head under my chin, against my neck/chest. My trying to pull away during sleep only resulted in being pulled back closer and tighter EVERY time. He’s been both fully on top of me or had me on top of him for a few moments. Great talks too. At the end of each time, we plan the next. I’ve got a week.

Met in class last semester. This semester, we hung out for food, only recently graduating to places with beds (last 3 times). He almost always worked in an innocent invite back to his place after, to chill. Unknown to him, I wasn’t single. Few knew about the 3-yr. relationship/subsequent breakup. We had a routine dinner and we hung out at his place for the first time, which led to spooning. He’s semi-private, but friendly and outgoing, as am I. Has female friends. Has mentioned ex-girlfriend(s). Just revealed he's former military. No mention of a current girlfriend or someone he’s seeing/dating. One girl friend seems closest. Saying “my friend, “X,” and I were hanging out” is taken at face value, because he demonstrated he’s capable of using terms. Once, after we had already spooned, the guy’s male friend made a joke that she would be an obvious suspect in his murder because (he mumbled) she’s dating/dated him. The guy wasn’t in the room to hear that. She knows we spent the night together.

Of the spoons I’ve been in, someone’s little gentlemen, or breasts, make an appearance. I felt it move, once, on my thigh, ok? Just sayin’. I have woken up with his hand cupping my chest momentarily. Once there was an actual “honk-honk” squeeze after what I will call “sleeping repositioning” on his part. I’ve tried to pull away from his embrace, only to wake him up just enough to pull me closer and tighter, one time doing this by briefly grabbing my butt.

QUESTIONS, just to clarify: What's the deal here? Why hasn't he made any real moves, like a kiss? Is he just an overly affectionate guy? Does he do this with all of his female friends? (And who, in their right mind, would even do that to themselves?) Is he wanting me to make the first significant move, like kiss him?


Most Helpful Guy

  • I don't think platonic is the word I would use to describe that.

    Steamy is perhaps a better word.

    Or maybe my thinking is too old-fashioned? But at least according to my thinking, just because there's no sex and smooching doesn't mean it's entirely platonic.

    I mean, you can still say you're just friends if you're both single, since technically (though I don't think this sums up to being purely platonic) you haven't done anything that is beyond that. But if you weren't single, I think what you're doing would be cheating so it's not platonic.

    • Thank you for the input! I agree completely; this is far more than platonic for me, and I would definitely consider this cheating while in a relationship. I was starved in my last relationship for this and now I'm up to my chin = in it and confused as hell! Hah...don't start what you can't finish!?

    • Show All
    • Your input has been helpful and insightful, thanks! I didn't think he liked me, and he's thinking the same thing...of course! It took him 6wks + to text me to hang the first time. We got to know each other through these quick meal dates, he always offered for me to chill at his place. 3 months later, I take him up on it, and he makes these moves on me. I, erroneously, think these feelings are as new for him as for me, but maybe it's actually been smoldering in him for a while...?

    • Yep, I would assume so.

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 3

  • I am truly sorry, got through the first two paragraphs. I am not sure of your question.

    • Sorry for the novel! "What's the deal" was somewhere up there. I'm confused as to what this guy is going for he just a cuddler? Does he do this with all of his girl friends? Does he not like me and I'm misreading it? Is he waiting for me to make the move?

    • Show All
    • Believe me, I know how you feel. Trying to read and understand the opposite sex can be confusing and frustrating. I know I like to tease a woman, because it intensifies her pleasure. But this situation far exceeds that. Communication is the key to understanding. You seem like a very nice and beautiful woman. I know he will be more than happy to do more with you.

    • The teasing potential has crossed my mind as well, but honestly, I'm more tortured than teased! I've never wanted a kiss more though! Thank you for being such a sweetheart! ;)

  • Platonic spoonings? What are those?

    • I know, right?

      The 'spoonings'...multiple incidents of accidentally being pressed against a 'friend'

      'Platonic' is not the word I would use, but conventionally it seems that if you are friends and you aren't FWB, any action can be deemed 'platonic' because it isn't driven by desire, perhaps? Just my theory...

  • He's very sexual, though it seems that he's keeping out sex until marriage.

    It's quite clear that he's very interested in you.


What Girls Said 2

  • Woah.. This was super hot!!! Lol. I don't even know how I cane across this q... Anyhow.. Update?

    • So sexually frustrated when I wrote this 2 years. ago! GAG reminded me with your new comment!

      THE UPDATE: A few more sleepovers. He made me melt unhooking my bra with 2 fingers for a back massage. Next sleepover, he took a boob out. Which sat there, unaddressed. I slyly (or shyly) put it back after it became clear he wasn't going to try more than admiring and avoiding. He made an excuse about traffic and left.

      Maybe he wasn't into my awesome boobs. I thought "His loss!" But then I see a post of his - a celeb known for having amazing natural curves, similar to me, and he had GREAT things to say about her bod.

      We haven't seen each other since. I basically rebounded from him immediately. With the opposite guy: overt with his intentions. Shocker: June '15 finds me newly single. I never told him I was in a LTR and for 2 years he still kept working in those suggestions for hanging out and sleepovers. I politely refused and kept it friendly. But single me wants him still. We hang out soon.

  • that is very weird and that would certainly drive me crazy! Its just really possible that he isn't sure that you want him to go further than he is, or he's afraid. I'm sorry to say this, but I think the only way you are going to find out if he does want to proceed with something heavier than what he is doing is YOU are going to have to make that bold move. You are going to have to touch him in places that he is refusing to touch and see what his reaction is.

    • Words of truth, girl, words of truth. Being an adult, right? Hah! Thanks for the input, helps to hear it somewhere else!