Will my Ex change his mind about trying to fix things in time? Split after 8 years and 2 kids together.

My partner and I have recently split,i walked out due to our trust issues, thinking if I took a step out we could sort our problems but he has decided to end it completely. I am distraught over this as he is all I have ever known and want. Will he change his mind about us in time?

My story:

I was 17 when I met my now ex partner, he was 23, it started off amazing and I soon fell pregnant with our son, we bought a house together and things were fantastic until I received a text from an old boyfriend - the convo got flirty and my boyfriend saw the txts. We argued, I apologized and cut contact from the old boyfriend, we decided to carry on the relationship as we were in love and put this behind us. Things were fantastic from then on we were best friends and the perfect family. Few years later and we bought a new house, his business boomed, but with this came added stress which he eased by going out drinking with friends at weekends. I also had few nights out with the girls but one night I regret more than others- had falling out with a friend and ended up quite drunk a friend of my partner came to say Hi and bought me a drink, before I realized what I was doing I had kissed him! Hands up I am completely to blame, my mistake, no excuses!

When I got home I told my partner. I have always been honest with him. He was extremely upset and angry and I knew how much I hurt him. We survived through this but the trust had started to slump. 2 years later I fell pregnant with our daughter.he is a great dad. I gave up work to become a fulltime mum. Life couldn't get any better I thought but that's when the cracks properly surfaced.

The odd occasion he went out with his friends he would stay out all night no calls or text or replys to mine. one night he stayed out a payment for a hotel had appeared on his card statement but he swears he let his friend borrow it. Another night we went out together to a local club where we met people he once new when younger including a girl- he told he fancied her for ages (in front of me) I was shocked but tried to brush it off due to him being drunk. My main problem was him stayin out all night as it got more and more frequent. He would come home in a total drunken mess and said he was with mates all night jst drinking and playing cards. Which I do believe but started to doubt every so often, I threatened to leave a few times as he knew how much this upset me and he'd beg me not to, things were great for a few weeks then go bk 2 square one! We would argue & the past would be brought up. Constant cycle. He blames my mistakes for turning him like this, getting me back for hurting him.

3 wks ago I decided to move myself and kids to my mums after he failed to come home & turned fone off yet again. I thought we could talk maybe start afresh after we tried to resolve the trust issues, I even suggested relationship counciling. I have gave up everything for him but now he doesn't want to try (not even for the kids sake, 7& 2). Will space and time change his mind

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Most Helpful Guy

  • He feels like you broke his trust, and he is afraid to trust his heart to you again. It sounds like he was so afraid of being hurt that he started pushing you away and throwing up obstacles in your path (other women, etc.).

    It might be possible to fix this, but he has to WANT to fix it. If he doesn't want to, then there's nothing you can really do. If he's willing, then you MUST get relationship counselling, and you MUST be completely honest with each other, and tell each other EVERYTHING, no matter how much it hurts at first. You can only fix things if you know the whole, full, ugly truth, and can accept that and deal with it. It's really up to him if he can handle that or not, or even wants to. It *might* help to talk to him and let him know that you accept the fact that you broke his trust and hurt him badly, and don't blame him for being upset. To have a chance, you have to break down the barriers between you, and that's the biggest one. He has some blame too, but it is not YOUR place to tell him that; the relationship counsellor will help him see where his blame lies. In order to get him there, he has to believe that you are truly sorry and accept your role in what happened (and as you admit yourself, you *did* set things in motion).

    Obviously you were very young and likely very inexperienced with relationships when you got together, so you didn't have time to learn this, but in a relationship, trust is the fragile keystone that holds everything together and makes things work. You must treat trust like you'd treat a delicate and fragile glass flower, because if you break it, it's almost impossible to repair it.

    As I said, it's really up to him, but your best shot is to talk to him and accept responsibility and show him how sorry you are, how hurt you are to lose him, and how much you are willing to give to get a last opportunity to fix this.

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What Guys Said 16

  • the problem here is two fold.

    You cheated, once emotionally and once physically. Now he may have appeared to get over that but trust me he didn't forget it and his actions indicate a guy who never got over it...so he started go astray in his own way.

    Whether he is staying at a hotel over night or chatting up girls his heart is clearly not fully into the relationship, otherwise there wouldn't be a need to spend night after night out with his buddies getting drunk. He's feeling unsatisfied at home (not necessarily your fault) so he is trying to find whatever it is outside the house.

    I think the drinking binges should have been the first indicator that something was amiss in the relationship, and it needed to be nipped in the butt before what became the occasional daliance turned into the routine.

    Relationship conseling is really the best option at this point so you two can have someone mediate an open and honest dialogue and then hopefully provide insights into how to successfully address and resolve the issues. I hope that there is still lots of love between you and the process of reconciling will work. Tell him you love, love your family, and don't want to give up on it without a real fight. If he seems willing to try then there is hope...hopefully he still feels the same

    good luck!

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  • You can't have resolve trust issues overnight, or with space and time. You're just letting the problems fester, which will come back if you get together with him. If you do get together with him, see a counselor or a therapist to see how you can improve.

    Do you think you can manage to learn to drink without getting drunk? You'll save yourself the trouble of doing something you'll regret.

    At least you were honest to your ex-partner regarding that time you were drunk. If you had not told him the truth, if he found out from a different source, then he would have trusted you less, and at that point, any professions of guilt on your part would fall on deaf ears. So whatever happens, stick to telling the truth.

    Don't expect to "cheat" or "flirt" without there being some consequences. Let this be a lesson to you, so that next time, you won't "flirt" or anything. If not for you, then for the kids. If your partner's behavior troubles you, then you should say something like "I see that you go out and get drunk often. I worry that you may be doing something inappropriate. If it was that easy for me to kiss someone else, it is also easy for you to do something similar. I'm not saying that you're doing something similar, but I just want to make sure." But if you say this, it might not work, so you may have to just trust him on it, if he does get back together with you.

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  • You're probably not going to like this answer, but I'm not here for you to like me. I'm here to provide insight and advice. The right medicine always tastes the worst.

    Trust is like a glass. Once broken, you can put the pieces back together, but the cracks always show through.

    Space and time will never change this. There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep...that have taken hold.

    You cracked the glass when you flirted with your ex. You shattered the glass when you kissed the guy in the bar. Everything that has happened past that night is incidental. Everything he has done has been to attempt to level a playing field that can never be leveled. You've both done things you shouldn't have as this point, but in fairness of my answer, your flirting with your ex is the linchpin to this entire situation you find yourself in now.

    You both give up things. That's how a relationship works. So saying you gave up everything...that dog won't hunt here.

    You moving out was the final stomping on the shattered glass. In his mind, you left him. And if you left him once, then you will leave him again. There is no amount of apologizing or remorseful words or time or space that can heal that kind of wound in a man. He has realized that he can never trust you again given your actions and history together, so there is no reason to try. And he is correct in his stance.

    And as much as you want to trust him, you never truly will. You will always think in the back of your mind that more sinister things occurred on those nights out besides just playing cards with the boys. So the only thing you have to do now is realize that there is no reason to continue trying to put the glass back together. Once you realize that, then things are as they are and you move on with your lives, your kids being the only connection between you.

    And as those kids are the connection, I urge you both to think of their best interest, not in terms of getting back together, because that is not in their best interest. I mean in their best interest from this point forward, realizing that you and your husband are now on different paths that will lead in different directions and to different lives. Don't let your kids suffer in the destruction you both have created.

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  • Hard to tell from only your point of view.

    If this was my story and I was in his shoes, I don't think I would change my mind and get back together anytime soon.

    I would test the waters to see if there are better fish out there and if all my catches were bad, then maybe I would rethink to try to get you back.

    I don't think any woman would wait that long on a guy which is fuqing around though.

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  • He's going through some sort of midlife crisis, and yes, relationship counseling should be attempted here.

    Something is missing from his life, and he tries to blame you, but it's not something you can 'fix' by doing anything in particular. Does he envy his single friends and their freedom, while he is tied down with 2 kids and a wife? Just a guess...

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  • Unfortunately, I don't think he is going to change his mind. You cheated on him, and you also question his fidelity.. I don't see how that makes sense. You two will always be linked because of your kids, but as far as mending the fences, I don't think that will happen.

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  • You don't have a job, and his environment has changed. The gap between you is more and more big. So, it's not a question of trust, but completely different environment has completely changed everything.

    I think is unlikely.

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  • no, he's probablygone for good. and tbh it's mystery to me why you had two children without getting married or using birth control, but that's your business

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  • So, you cheated and you end up doubting his fidelity when he was going out. I don't think he'll change his mind, but you never know.

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  • I feel as though you cheated first, this broke his heart and there was issues with trust since, I personally believe no one can be drunk enough to not know what their doing unless your completely out and taken advantage of. If it was me I would stay with you for the sake of the children, however I don't know what others might think, probably not. He's behavior is defiantly suspicious, and most likely sleeping with someone else or similar, it's a difficult situation you have, I feel sorry for you but then again I would say can you really blame it all on your ex?

    Things happen for a reason, I hope you get through it. Good luck

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  • Nah. Once someone you hold so close to your heart breaks your trust like that, you can never really turst them again. Just being around them hurts to an extent. You can pretend to be fine, tell yourself you're over it, think you forgive but people who really get over it are few and far between.

    Generally if they do, the connection wasn't that deep to begin with. That's why most people choose to break up.

    Your relationship has run it's course. You're to blame for knocking the first blows into the foundation, he's to blame for not really addressing the fact that he never got over your breach of trust and didn't get over the hurt.

    You guys are done. Nothing good can come out of you guys being together anymore. Don't try, it's a terrible idea.

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  • That man gave his love and you betrayed him. You did not make a simple mistake. You crushed his entire world, everything he was working for, the life he envisioned for his family was jeopardized by the person he loved the most, you. It is your fault he turned like this and the only person who can fix it is you. He was working and supporting his family, you took his love for granted. You have not given up sh*t for him, you got pregnant and he did the right thing by marrying you, going to work and raising those kids. It is common for a man to turn to the bottle in these situations, but it is not the solution. Diet and exercise are the best cures for the pain of a cheating spouse. You guys need to work it out for the kids. Step one is to sober up, then get counseling. Do it, and give it 100%. He probably feels you just want to move out so you can continue your flings, move home, do everything you can to make him feel more like a man, be his bitch and maybe you can gain his trust back.

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  • You started with the infidelities (I think I can call it that way), first the flirty text messages with your ex and second when you kissed another guy. As a result of this I think he started to doubt your sincerity and took you less and less seriously. In my opinion it is your fault and I don't know what makes you think you can take his children to your mum's home. I feel like punching you with such force that I would leave your outline in the door and they are not my kids, imagine if they were!

    I hope you enjoyed flirting and kissing as now it seems like you lost someone who could have been a your husband. Those things that he did like saying to that girl he fancied her for ages would never have happened if it was not for YOUR - I repeat and put it in your head - YOUR actions. He was trying to get even, you wounded him before and he is trying to would you as well. Enjoy and may your soul rot in hell you disrespectful and heartless girl.

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  • probably not

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  • He is bloody nuts. You are GORGEOUS!

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  • This doesn't have anything to do with you cheating. I mean it was just a kiss, and it was a long time ago. It sounds more like he has just been unhappy in his life for a while now, and he is making all sorts of excuses in order to blame all of his problems on you. Your leaving him, is the perfect opportunity to get out of the relationship, and start over, while making you look like the bad guy.

    I don't think you really have any idea, why he really left you, and he might not fully understand it either. People can often blame their partners for everything in their life, even if their partner isn't the cause of their suffering. I think he is on some level he is unfairly blaming you, for all of the misery and hardship in his life. You might be the perfect girlfriend, and it still wouldn't matter. He isn't dealing with his problems. Instead he is just blaming others for his unhappiness.

    I really don't think this is your fault. Sometimes people leave, and there is nothing we can do, no matter how much we love them. I think he has been wanting this breakup for a while now, and it will take a lot to change his mind. Maybe you can guilt him into going to couples counseling for the sake of the children.

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What Girls Said 4

  • I can't get over how young you were when you guys got together. All I keep thinking is that you were pretty much a kid - and to be honest I think he was barely grown himself.

    I don't know people think that with children and commitment there is an instant acquirement of wisdom and maturity. Hell, I know people in their 40's who still aren't mature or wise.

    There are going to be times in any relationship when people are going to act selfish. Whether it's staying late after work while the wife is exhausted from dealing with babies all day, or enjoying a little more attention from people who aren't your partner. It happens, we're human, we screw up. The important thing to understand is the intention about your selfish behavior - is it because you're deliberately hurting someone or because you desperately want something.

    A lot of people can armchair preach about what was done right or wrong - all I can think is "Damn, you guys were so young!"

    And I'm not saying you aren't mature enough to be a mother or a wife, I'm saying due to your age and lack of experience, you just have a sharper learning curve ...

    I think with time maybe some counseling and better communication between the two of you, you can work it out. With patience and perseverance, a dash of empathy with how he feels - I think you guys have a shot.

    Good luck.

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  • He is just not that into you because you cheat and disrespect the relationship. Give it up and make sure he gets visitation with his kids.

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  • I think it's a toss up and there is only one way to find out. Keep us posted.

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  • It's hard to say if he'll change his mind. If he does and you decide to work things out, I think therapy is absolutely needed for the two of you to work out your past and present issues.

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