Need interpretation-Boyfriend is studying abroad and he wants little contact

A lot of details since you guys don't know us. Thanks in advance.

Can you guys tell me bluntly what this means and his true intentions both during the study abroad and after?

> My 29 year old boyfriend (grad student) is studying abroad in Europe for 8 weeks and then traveling for 3 weeks. I'm stuck back in USA taking courses. When I asked to talk at least ONCE a WEEK , he immediately announced loudly and quickly that he didn't want to have to talk when he's out or having dinner with his friends (even though he took phone calls a few times when we had home-cooked dinners b/w the two of us). That was one of the few times in our 1.75 year old relationship that he raised his voice and talked quickly (he's normally a slow and calm talker).

> His excuse was that he didn't want his mind to be stuck back in New York when he was supposed to be in a new place. Can you guys tell me bluntly what that means and his true intentions?

> by the way, it's supposed to be SKYPING, NOT calling, so money is not an issue. He has internet access for sure at his apartment and school.

> Some relationship background: In the previous summer a year ago, he asked for " a break" right before he left for Portland 3000 miles away. He was using the same excuse in 2nd paragraph and he said that he didn't want to have to call a girlfriend that much since "it didn't feel like he actually had a girlfriend." I gave in and said yes to "the break" even though we both knew how uncomfortable it made me. AT THAT TIME, WE ONLY TALKED ONCE EVERY 1.5 to 2 WEEKS. I didn't care at the time about the little communication because I was too unhappy with "the break." When he came back, he said he was NOT with any other girls after I asked.

> THIS TIME, he didn't ask for a break for the study abroad. However, he had an overreaction at my request to talk at least once a week this summer even though we're still in a relationship. His family and godparents are surprised by how little we're going to communicate. He didn't bother trying to spend as much time together as possible before he left. He said that it didn't matter because the time left was relatively small compared to 3 months. Instead, he took on more voluntary schoolwork by joining an academic competition during the last week we had together so we only went hiking together once with two other ppl. Keep in mind that we didn't do anything special during fall and spring semesters (we just stayed in and did our schoolwork)because of our work load(he has more) and our lack of money. Also, when I asked him IF he would have time soon after he gets back from the study abroad, he looked apathetic and a little irritated. He said, "probably, I don't know".

> I tried bringing up some of the issues already but he gives me sugar-coated repetitive responses. He's my first boyfriend (I'm 22 & he's 29). Can you guys tell me bluntly what this means and his true intentions both during the summer study abroad and after?


Most Helpful Guy

  • His true intentions are to dump you. He's already made up his mind to end things, it's just a matter of when and how, not if.

    Thank you for the details on his behavior and baseline. It really helps to establish patterns and make the correct analysis.

    In a legitimate relationship, there's no possible reason not to be able to Skype once a week during a study abroad program. Whatever excuse he's using is bullsh*t. His is doubly so, because computers don't follow you out to dinner (unless Skype is on his phone, but you get what I mean).

    The way he panicked when he said it also belies his true intentions. You noticed that he raised his voice and spoke quickly, sure signs of stress and strong indicators of deceit. He went into a defensive posture there because you hit a nerve - he just wants you out of sight and mind for the whole trip. Huge red flag - it makes me certain that this relationship is nearing its expiration date. You know he isn't making this statement on principle because he's taken calls at dinner before, so it's all full of holes.

    He doesn't want his mind stuck back in NY on *you*. He wants to be free to do whatever with whomever without feeling guilty about keeping you waiting back home. It's an excuse, and a lame one at that.

    That break for the Portland trip was an early warning sign. He isn't vindicated just because he didn't sleep with anyone. He basically wants a license to ignore you when he's away. "It didn't feel like he actually had a girlfriend"? WTF is up with that sh*t?

    He didn't ask for a break this time because he remembers your poor reaction to it last time. He wants the same thing, he's just not calling it a break. He's setting the same conditions, though.

    Someone interested would definitely be making the most of the limited time left before a trip like this. Someone uninterested wouldn't give a flying f*ck about now, later, or after the trip... which leads us to the next point, that when you asked about seeing him after the trip, he looked apathetic, irritated, and gave the most noncommittal response in the history of the universe. In his mind, he's already left you.

    This boat has sailed. Do yourself a favor and break up with him before he leaves. Give him the freedom that he wants, and don't let him string you along for the 8 weeks. He's just too much of a p*ssy to break things off beforehand, so he's waiting until after to do it. Someone I know very well *ahem* did the same thing to a girl, and he *ahem* is much wiser for it now, and wouldn't do it again. But he recognizes the pattern.

    In fact, this guy might break up with you on Skype. In any case, he's hoping the distance he creates will help fizzle the relationship out naturally. Unfortunately, while he's busy getting over you. he won't realize that you'll be busy missing him.

    To recap: He wants to have fun with people abroad, and he is leading you on. Possibly, he'll keep you around until he finds something that he likes better.

    • So, has he left the country yet? What happened between you two?

    • Show All
    • ... really good up until that point. You have to judge behavior as it comes at you. I know you want to give him the benefit of the doubt, but what matters most is how he's treating you now. It sounds like he wants nothing to do with you while on his trip. All past things aside, that's a sh*tty way to treat a friend, not to mention a romantic partner. You have to decide for yourself what your deal breakers are. That, for me, is one of them.

    • You'll never know for sure if he's cheating out there, but that's not the issue at hand. It's not something you can find out, so you have to ignore it. Focus on how he's treating you, not on what he's doing with his life. If you don't feel appreciated, you need to let him know, and if you can't come to a compromise, dump him for being a bad boyfriend, not over your suspicion of his infidelity.

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What Guys Said 3

  • If your boyfriend is studying a broad it really aughta be you.

  • He wants to get balls deep in some euro p**** and forget about you

  • He just need total concentration.


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