You're told not to take a cheater back because they'll never change but why is that? What is the real reason most cheaters cheat and why can't they change?
Most people would say insecurity and selfishness but I say they are one in the same because one causes the other in that their need to make themself happy comes before anyone and anything else. In turn the commitment they made to their significant other comes second to whatever they feel they need to be happy.
Most common reasons
1. They are users or they just don't care about you.
They actually don't care about anyone, not even themselves. They feel worthless and feel that the only way to get what they need is to use people. Instead of learning to love theirself, they look to sex, relationships and sometimes drugs to make them happy. They're constantly afraid that they don't and can't make their partner happy or don't want to scare them off with "odd" sexual requests, so they look to someone else they think they can satisfy or will be open to their fantasies.
2. Sex addiction
Addicts only see their life as complete or feel good about themselves will access to sex and they need multiple forms of it because just one person or thing is never enough for them.
2. They aren't satisfied.
They know that there is security in the relationship but they'd rather not leave and deal with the dating game, the drama of a split, etc. They aren't confident that someone else will want them the same way their significant other does or that they can handle the breakup, so they have an affair and stay in a relationship they really don't want to be in.
4. Because they can
The worthlessness reasoning also applies here. Cheating on someone and still being able to keep them proves that someone really loves you. If you treat them like sh*t, and they stick around, that makes them feel pretty good about themselves. That is until they realize what a sh*tty thing they've done, feel they aren't worth their love and start thinking their significant other is seeking someone worthy, so the cheating continues.
5. Humans aren't made for monogamy
I hate hearing this but I'll talk about it anyway. I don't believe that humans aren't made for monogamy but indeed some people aren't. Often they get into an exclusive relationship because they're afraid to ask for an open one or think they'll never get anyone if they don't lie about what they want, which is still insecurity.
I've addressed the five most common reasons given but I don't consider them to really be reasons. There are different motives for cheating but the reason is the same for almost everyone. They are insecure.
I believe that every cheater needs counseling if they did it more than once because there is most likely something big underneath it. The reason they won't change is because they won't address the source of their insecurity. The change will come when they do.
That's my opinion but I'm wondering what the rest of you think
Most Helpful Guy
I think that some cheaters are insecure, but some are very secure. Studies have suggested that as a group, habitual male cheaters have above average self esteem.
I think the simplest way of viewing it is a two way split. You have habitual cheaters who do it over and over again. This tends to be a combination of 'can't handle monogamy', 'doesn't like to mix sex and intimacy' ' high need for multiple partners' 'because they can' along with 'doesn't care or justifies it to themself somehow'.
That's a relatively small group, more men then women, but lots of women deal with them, because they go through a lot of women.
A much larger group is people who have the combination of unhappy in their relationship (generally either feeling unloved or sexually very frustrated and probably both, though men will complain more of the latter and women the former) with unwilling to leave (for dating couples, often fear of being alone, for married its more often complexities around kids or shared finances). Then you add in opportunity.
TBH, I think the majority of people will, under some circumstances, cheat. I haven't cheated, but if a woman had gotten me drunk and jumped me during one of our multiple year long sexless spells, I suspect I would have.2THIS IS NOT RELEVANT ANYMORE
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