What do you do when you find out your partner was married?

I guess skip this first paragraph if you don't really care about what happened. But I need to vent.. I'm so mind f***ed right now.

His mother owns the home we live in and some of her stuff is still in it. Well she said I could remove some things from a closet so we'd have more space for our things. Some of his exes things were in the closet. I found some of her things in a different closet before and his mother told me that she didn't have anywhere to live so she kept some things here but "did NOT live here". Well in this bag when I found more things were affidavits and whatever else saying how they were married and all this drama that happened before the divorce.

Okay so I knew he had trouble with his ex... he never talks about his past but I was fine with that because I didn't feel its my place to pry... but isn't that something you mention if you are in a relationship with someone... coming up on FIVE YEARS...

What do I say? Or do I say anything? Do I even have a right to be upset? How am I suppose to feel right now? What do I do? I know its not like he is still currently married... but I don't know I'm REALLY put off that he didn't tell me. Also that his mother didn't tell me... and brother didn't tell me... NO ONE TOLD ME.

I feel like a stupid idiot and I'm really upset.
Updates:
Thank you all for your answers. Well I should of added what I did know. He did tell me his previous relationship was really horrible. She made things up to get money from the state, then made things up and made him lose his job, accused him of stealing things she never owned, and so many other things. When it was time for court she never showed up there or around here again. They (he and his family) found out that she had done this before back where she's from in NY. That's why I never pushed
the issue to know more because I knew he went through hell with her and when they met she needed things from the beginning and he as just trying to help her. What I found out was that they ran off one weekend and got married. She lived with him when he was still living with his mom and she put their whole family through a lot. I think she had some serious problems. I talked to him again, after I've calmed down and rationally thought about it all and thought of all your answers. I told him
That I don't care about her or anything that happened in the relationship and that he doesn't need to explain anything like that to me. But that I need him to be upfront with me about everything even if he feels its insignificant or stupid and that if there's anything else he needs to tell me now was the time. He said there was nothing else and I don't know we'll just see how it goes. Just thank you all again. I didn't really know how to handle this and had no one to talk to in the moment.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • First of all, you can be sure that his mother and brother didn't tell you because your boyfriend (husband?) didn't want them to.

    I would imagine that this woman was a disaster, and that more than anything, he is likely deeply embarrassed that he married this woman. He probably feels like he made a huge, stupid mistake, and that if he'd told you, and had to tell you the story, that he'd have lost your respect for being so stupid.

    Obviously, you're more hurt that he kept it a secret, and I totally get that. I don't even AGREE with his decision not to tell you, but I DO *understand* it.

    Clearly he wants nothing to do with this woman; he's not in contact with her or any of that. He's not cheating on you, and cut all his ties with her before you were ever around. I realize you are upset, and I get it, but you need to remember that he didn't LIE to you, or betray you in any way. He just declined to air his dirty laundry from his past, which doesn't really affect you in any way.

    Try to keep that perspective as you think about this. What he did wasn't great, and it isn't what I'd have advised him to do, but ultimately, he didn't really do anything WRONG, he just wasn't as open as he should have been. That's not the worst crime in the world, by far.

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What Guys Said 3

  • yeah that is a huge thing. he should have trusted you enough to tell you. I think you do have a right to be upset. however unlike what the others are saying, I wouldn't break up a 5 year relationship with him over this. I mean it is a huge issue, but a deal breaker? I don't know.

    I see from below you already confronted him. did you express how it made you feel to him and how important it is to you that he trusts you enough to tell you huge things like this? And if it were me I would ask him to disclose any other huge parts of his life he hasn't shared yet so their is NOTHING to surprise you like that anymore.

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  • You have the right to be upset since they kept you in the dark.

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  • I would find a new partner.

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What Girls Said 5

  • wow, you have every right to be upset

    I'm not someone who believes you have to share every little detail of your past, people are allowed a few secrets, but this is just ridiculous and completely unfair, you can't truly know a person if you're kept in the dark about things like this, you definitely have a right to know, after 5 years, he owes it to you

    definitely bring it up with him, this is the kind of thing that could justify a break up.

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  • uhhhh, I don't know what I would do, it hasn't happen to me but its a huge turn off. A ex girlfriend is one thing but a ex wife no no. I'm sorry I cant. you have a right to be upset if he waited 5 years to tell you but not the right to be upset that he had a life before you, but he should have told you a long time ago so you would have the choice to deal with it and be with him or leave.

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    • My problem is that he didn't tell me, I wouldn't care if he was or not, and he still didn't tell me. The only reason I know is because in her stuff I found copies of affidavits from their drama in court (which he did tell me about that) talking about their relationship. Also in her stuff was a bunch of mail with his last name being used.

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    • I don't know and I'm having a real problem with it but I don't fully know why because its not like he is still married and he has been good to me otherwise for the past five years... I confronted him about it and he avoided the conversation twice, the third time all he had to say was, "I don't want to talk about it or her or think about her. I'm an idiot what do you want to hear?" and I didn't know what to say. But I still have an unsettled feeling but I want to not care and go on with life.

    • well he doesn't have to share everything about their marriage but he should have mentioned it. It sounds like he was burned by her and hasn't really gotten over it yet.

  • I do think its weird but not something that would make you break things up to him, I read that you confronted him. SO I would advice you to just think things over and over until you are sure of everything.

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  • You've been with this guy for 5 years and he never mentioned being married before?

    That is VERY weird.

    I would just come right out and ask him about it. And I'd definitely ask why he never mentioned it. Yes, he's entitled to his privacy and his past, but come on! That's something that should've come up. The fact that it didn't gives me pause. It makes me think there is a very specific reason he didn't mention it.

    Bring it up. You have every right to ask. You confronted him and he keeps avoiding the conversation. NOT a good sign. You've been together 5 years, he should feel comfortable talking about things like that with you. He must've REALLY been a bad husband...

    I'm really sorry though - I hope he opens up and you guys can discuss it like adults.

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  • I would leave him and notify the wife so she can divorce him and take all of his stuff

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    • He is not still married, he got the marriage annulled before we even met. My problem is that he didn't tell me he was once married to someone after we have been together for five years. For some reason I cannot get over this.

    • read more carefully, she said he divorced her

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