Question for "once a cheater, always a cheater" believers..

I often read "I lose interest in dating him/her once I find out that he/she cheated, no matter how compatible we are or how attractive he/she is"... but

What would you do if you find out years into the relationship (and possibly living together) that your love has cheated on an ex before? He/she never got caught and never regretted or felt guilty about it, but swears he/she has never cheated on you and will never cheat on you.

Would you break up even though you didn't see any signs that he/she's cheated on you, because

a. you start suspecting you were cheated on too

b. you believe him/her that he/she hasn't cheated on you, but you believe he/she will in the future?

Would you stay with him/her, because

c. there were no signs of him/her cheating on you.

d. you change your mind and people can change even without getting caught/feeling extreme guilt?
Updates:
maybe I should clarify: choose either a, b, c or d.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • No I would not break up.

    I cheated once before myself. It happened for many reasons but unhappiness, a souring relationship and no intimacy was the foundation of it. So I can identify with certain reasons anyone could cheat.

    a) No, with a but. If our relationship has a very healthy sex life there it is a very low chance he would cheat unless he was hooked on it. Only if his sex drive towards me dropped off would I suspect

    b) not good enough reason

    C) Yes, for sure I would stay

    D)yes, once a cheat not always a cheater. It depends on many factors. If one cheats it does you must ask why. Is it 100% the cheater fault?

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    • Do you regret or feel guilty that you cheated instead of ending your unhappiness/relationship right there?

    • Show All
    • Is it the cheater's fault? That's a good one. Who's fault could it possibly be. If you're unhappy then leave. If someone chooses to cheat, it's no one's fault but their own.

    • At times felt guilty but then I realized it was the best thing I did because it made things crystal clear. That I (even though I had love for him) could not stay in the relationship long term. I need a sexual person with passion, and it was not who he was. I realized I could not make him what he was not. I broke up the relationship a couple months later. Not for another man but for myself.

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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 4

  • If someone has the ability to hurt someone they care about, then that person is usually fairly low caliber. If I did find out they cheated, I would lose A LOT trust in them and that, itself, will take a fairly large toll on the relationship and, in all honestly, very likely end it.

    Every time she'd out late or working late, I'd be wondering, is she cheating on me too? After all, she's already proven she's willing to hurt people. Why not me too?

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    • Does it make a difference if she told you herself? Can you believe her that she only admits it now because she's 100% sure she won't do it again?

    • 100% sure she won't do it again? How would I know that? She's already proven she can hurt the people she committed to and cares about. Why would I want a person who can and has done that?

    • I'm torn. I don't know if I would have entered this relationship if he didn't omit this fact. But then again, if I ended it right now, I would throw away a 3 year relationship that isn't broken.

  • First question:

    Neither A nor B. Instead I would suggest that there is no reason to lie to me, as I've done both open relationships and monogamy, and I'm fine with both. If she wants to sleep with somebody else, that's fine so long as she gives me the freedom to do the same thing, and I may not even act on that freedom (in fact I did very little in the past)

    Second question:

    Neither A nor B. I don't "want" people to "change" for me. I want them to stay who they are. Love isn't about possession, it's about appreciation. I would give her no reason to "cheat" on me, as "cheating" means to break a rule, and "we" get to set those rules to suit our needs.

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    • Although... I will say that experiencing no guilt would make me question her character in general. Sociopaths tend to be... well... dangerous I guess is a good word; emotionally dangerous at the very least.

  • A) Yes

    2) I wouldn't believe her at all

    c) Yes

    d) It won't ever change

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    • umm.. so you'd break up because of a and at the same time stay with her because of c...? that makes no sense.

  • I don't think I would break up with them after making a commitment to them, but I would lose a great deal of respect and trust for her. That loss of respect and trust could end up destroying the relationship eventually.

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What Girls Said 4

  • Finding out that they'd cheated on someone in the past after being with them for years isn't the real problem, it's finding out that they were never caught and never experienced regret or guilt. That would be a big red flag for me. I wouldn't dump someone right away because of that alone, but if I'd been experiencing any doubt about trust & fidelity, that would likely put me over the edge.

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    • Why do you think that someone necessarily has to get caught to feel guilt or regret?

    • I don't. But for someone to feel no guilt at all is a problem for me.

  • a and b, most of all because he didn't feel guilty so he might not even think its bad.

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    • I'm pretty sure he knows it's bad.. if it wasn't, he wouldn't have any problem admitting it at the beginning.

  • I think it depends on the person

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  • depends if it was a serious relationships before, I would also want to know what he learned from it and at least hear him say he won't do it again. I wouldn't break up because of it.. but if our communication got bad, I'd worry..

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