Why do guys always suddenly stop calling me?

I'm a 21-year-old female college student who doesn't really fall into the hard-partying, hookup-seeking stereotype of many other people my age. I don't judge other people for doing what they do, but I myself am an introvert with a small circle of friends (I really only party because I love being with my friends, who do).

So far I have only had one boyfriend, & that relationship was short-lived (he dumped me because he thought there was "no spark between us" & he "wasn't ready for a relationship", but he's still physically attracted to me). I'm not trying to sound conceited, but I get more than my share of male attention. Guys come on to me quite a lot, & on the rare occasions that I find them attractive - as in, seemingly smart & mature; not just "hot" - I give them my number. For a while things go well. They show all the interest in the world in me, calling & texting. I hardly have to flirt or do any work. They tell me that they like how I seem "different" from other girls they've known.

Then, once we hang out in person one time, or sometimes twice - but never more than that - all of their attention just abruptly stops. The ONLY guy this hasn't happened with within the last 2 years was my ex-boyfriend. Every other guy has done this to me, leaving me to wonder what happened, & never giving me an answer. Sometimes I find out that they actually went back to old girlfriends or flings, or even began dating someone new. Other times they're still single, they just obviously want nothing to do with me.

Every time I hang out with these guys, they want to hook up & I reject them. I'm not a very physical person, & I'm not big on sex period, especially not with guys I hardly know. But I also don't expect them to do anything for me either - I don't ask them to pick me up & take me places, or pay for anything on dates, or do anything "gentlemanly" or "chivalrous". I was always told that if you let a man do anything for you, he'll expect "something" back (but I'm also a feminist, so I simply just don't believe in doing anything I don't want to do to please a man, & I don't believe that men should "have" to wine & dine me because I'm a female). I just want their company & their conversation. I want an emotionally intimate relationship, not a lust-oriented one.

Each guy tells me that my refusal to have sex right away is fine. That my perspectives on not following gender roles & societal trends are great. But then of course, they stop communicating with me almost directly after they get told to "stop". I see other girls my age getting boyfriends with no problem, but I can barely hold down a second date.

What is it I might be doing wrong? Why do ALL of these guys start out so interested & then leave me behind just when I start to enjoy their company? Am I too "difficult" because I don't put out?

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Most Helpful Guy

  • "I want an emotionally intimate relationship, not a lust-oriented one."

    - That's a problem. I know I'm gonna get chewed out for saying this, but a lot of guys around your age range are in it for the sex. The whole "emotionally intimate relationship" concept can come after if they feel something about you, but usually not prior. So those guys that you tried to get with? They respected your moral beliefs, but they figured they can't waste their time waiting for you.

    So does this mean to break your code? Not necessarily, but it also means you're either going to have to be patient for the right guy to come along, or you'll have to find a guy who's much older and understands what it means to "take it slow".

    Also...

    "I hardly have to flirt or do any work."

    - Nope, you HAVE to flirt back. You gotta keep that sexual tension going. It's how to keep these guys interested. If you just let them do all the work, they're gonna tire out soon enough and if you don't reciprocate they'll just think you're not into them at all.

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    • YOU'RE WRONG [insert chewing for your pleasure]

    • I did not ask you for your inept opinion regarding this situation. Go back to where you crawled from, vermin! :D

      In all seriousness though, you gotta admit a lot of guys are just in it for the sex especially at that age...

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What Guys Said 4

  • It sounds like you have no problem attracting guys. The problem seems to be during dating... I read through some of your comment replies... I saw that you hang out with a guy AFTER 2-3 weeks of chatting. That's a long freaking time to talk to a girl before dating her especially if you guys met in person already...

    I think it's pretty sleazy if a girl puts out on the first date and think the 2nd or 3rd date sounds a lot more appropriate. It's up to you how physical you want to get with a guy and I'm sure that you'll find one who is willing to wait (there's some people that still wait to be married before sex you know!) but it's important for you to find someone who is compatible with your sex drive and habits. I think that's the main reason a lot of people end up cheating in long term relationships since they are on such different levels than their partners but do get along in most other areas.

    However, you will likely take out a lot of guys pursuing you by holding out with so long for one reason or another. That might not be the only reason guys stop calling, it could be the way that you handle situations when guys try to get intimate but most guys that you meet who frequent bars / clubs regularly will usually expect pretty easy lays

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  • I love puzzles.

    What do all of the men have in common? Also, how long on average do these people talk to you before you hang out with them?

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    • Hey. Most of them are in their 20s, some in their early 30s (the oldest guy I ever went out with was 32; I was 19 at the time). My best friend pointed out that I tend to meet them at nightclubs, bars, parties, etc., & that they're probably expecting a quick screw because of the setting where they met me. Admittedly, I tend to go outside of my "type" when I try to give most of these guys a chance (I like nerds, & most of them are "conventional" dudes). We usually hang out after 2-3 weeks of chatting.

    • Oh then this isn't much of a puzzle. You're subconsciously kicking them out. You're right, you're going outside of your type, and they can smell it. Well, "smell" is the wrong sense, it's actually see; you're probably subconsciously dropping cues that you're not actually interested even if you consciously retain an attraction. They pick up on what you're all about, realize they aren't with that, and quit you, and you honestly them before they quit you. Awe, well at least it was easy.

    • Here's the tip: Stop dating men you don't like. Because you don't like them. And you're telling them without actually intentionally telling them!

  • The vibe I got from you is that you don't really try and that's off putting to a lot of guys, we see that as disinterest. It's easy to say it's because you don't put out, but that's just a cop out because guys will stick around for the right person.

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  • well considering canadian politicians are a bunch of crack smoking junkies, what do you expect?

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What Girls Said 6

  • You don't put out

    Just because guys TELL You that they're fine with you not hooking up don't mean they really are.they say that to be politically correct.

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  • You sound a bit uptight. This is likely the problem! Have a bit of fun! It won't kill you!

    You probably don't like sex because you haven't had good sex. Keep trying!

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  • maybe you don't really get to make htem feel comfortable with you

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  • you don't give them enough

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  • they lose interest

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  • because the guy still needs sex even if he lies about it

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    • But on the FIRST date (This question is also for pr3ttybr0WN below). Isn't there at least a "3rd date" rule or something? Not saying I'd put out after the 3rd date either, but I think the first is expecting a helluva lot too much from anyone.

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