I'm a 21-year-old female college student who doesn't really fall into the hard-partying, hookup-seeking stereotype of many other people my age. I don't judge other people for doing what they do, but I myself am an introvert with a small circle of friends (I really only party because I love being with my friends, who do).
So far I have only had one boyfriend, & that relationship was short-lived (he dumped me because he thought there was "no spark between us" & he "wasn't ready for a relationship", but he's still physically attracted to me). I'm not trying to sound conceited, but I get more than my share of male attention. Guys come on to me quite a lot, & on the rare occasions that I find them attractive - as in, seemingly smart & mature; not just "hot" - I give them my number. For a while things go well. They show all the interest in the world in me, calling & texting. I hardly have to flirt or do any work. They tell me that they like how I seem "different" from other girls they've known.
Then, once we hang out in person one time, or sometimes twice - but never more than that - all of their attention just abruptly stops. The ONLY guy this hasn't happened with within the last 2 years was my ex-boyfriend. Every other guy has done this to me, leaving me to wonder what happened, & never giving me an answer. Sometimes I find out that they actually went back to old girlfriends or flings, or even began dating someone new. Other times they're still single, they just obviously want nothing to do with me.
Every time I hang out with these guys, they want to hook up & I reject them. I'm not a very physical person, & I'm not big on sex period, especially not with guys I hardly know. But I also don't expect them to do anything for me either - I don't ask them to pick me up & take me places, or pay for anything on dates, or do anything "gentlemanly" or "chivalrous". I was always told that if you let a man do anything for you, he'll expect "something" back (but I'm also a feminist, so I simply just don't believe in doing anything I don't want to do to please a man, & I don't believe that men should "have" to wine & dine me because I'm a female). I just want their company & their conversation. I want an emotionally intimate relationship, not a lust-oriented one.
Each guy tells me that my refusal to have sex right away is fine. That my perspectives on not following gender roles & societal trends are great. But then of course, they stop communicating with me almost directly after they get told to "stop". I see other girls my age getting boyfriends with no problem, but I can barely hold down a second date.
What is it I might be doing wrong? Why do ALL of these guys start out so interested & then leave me behind just when I start to enjoy their company? Am I too "difficult" because I don't put out?
Most Helpful Guy
"I want an emotionally intimate relationship, not a lust-oriented one."
- That's a problem. I know I'm gonna get chewed out for saying this, but a lot of guys around your age range are in it for the sex. The whole "emotionally intimate relationship" concept can come after if they feel something about you, but usually not prior. So those guys that you tried to get with? They respected your moral beliefs, but they figured they can't waste their time waiting for you.
So does this mean to break your code? Not necessarily, but it also means you're either going to have to be patient for the right guy to come along, or you'll have to find a guy who's much older and understands what it means to "take it slow".
"I hardly have to flirt or do any work."
- Nope, you HAVE to flirt back. You gotta keep that sexual tension going. It's how to keep these guys interested. If you just let them do all the work, they're gonna tire out soon enough and if you don't reciprocate they'll just think you're not into them at all.0