Abusive boyfriend? Can people really change?

So lets say you met this guy and started talking to him on a regular basis. After Facebook stalking him you realize he was in jail at one point and when you look into it further, find out he has a battery charge on his record from 2 years ago against his ex girlfriend. On the other hand, this guy is a full time dad and seems to love his son to death. When confronted about the battery situation, he refuses to talk about it because he says its something "he's so ashamed of." My question is...do you think people can really change? Would you be completely freaked out and stop talking to him immediately or would you give him the benefit of the doubt that he has actually changed and write it off as mistake? Personally...I have a misdemeanor drug charge...but I would never want somebody to look at me and say "oh I would never date you because your a drug addict" honestly...I very rarely smoke and it was just a matter of me being stupid and being in the wrong place at the wrong time (I know everyone says that but it's the truth.) That's not me...so could this be another one of those cases? Like his ex girlfriend got pissed and called him in? Opinions...

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Good question.

    I would be very apprehensive about dating someone who has a record for domestic abuse.

    Here are some of the things that I'd consider:

    1. Was he upfront and honest about it, or did I find out about it through other means? Or in the very least, if I did found out about it through other means, I'd want the first thing out of his mouth to be something along the lines of, "I was waiting for the right time to talk to you about that" (provided it was still very early into us seeing each other). Honesty is very important to me, and I wouldn't want to date someone who tried to hide something like that from me.

    2. Is he willing to talk to me about it? You said that this guy refuses to talk about it. That would be a red flag to me. It's good that he feels ashamed about it, and I can understand it being hard to talk about, but I'd only consider dating him if he was willing to talk to me about it and ease my concerns.

    3. Did he get professional help? I would only consider dating a guy who did.

    4. How long ago was it? The closer to the present it is, the less likely I'd be to consider dating him.

    5. What was the nature of it? I think there's a difference between, say, they were fighting, he slapped her, she called the police, and he never did it again... or if he caused significant injury to her, or if it was something that happened more than once.

    If I did date him, I would be on high alert for any red flags and I would want to take things very slowly. Though, feeling like I needed to be on high alert might be enough for me to think its not worth it.

    Anyway, this is all very hypothetical. I can't say for sure what I would do in that situation. I'm leaning toward no, but I suppose there may be a situation where I'd be willing to give the guy a cautious chance.

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What Guys Said 2

  • It might not be very nice and polite but I would just not take the risk and look for love elsewhere.

    Him saying he's so ashamed doesn't change a thing and not wanting to talk about,it (at all) doesn't sound to reassuring to me. Some people change, most do not...

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  • I don't believe him. I've seen a lot and have experience with people that flip out or have anger issues and most of them do have history of battery or assault. It doesn't matter if he's a dad, won't stop him from turning on you. Trust me a lot of people can change but it all comes to if you can control and handle yourself. Save yourself the future misery and don't do it. Experience with brothers and my own father. Once he starts thinking he can hit a woman it's very likely he'll do it again in the future. Don't say I didn't tell you so.

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What Girls Said 4

  • Honestly I would give him a chance his past is not where he's at in his future he a great and loving father who has realized from his choices and trying to make them better give him that opportunity to show you he has change and is now in a better place and look at all the right things he has done for his life he's taking care of his child and has a girlfriend who keeps dweling on his past when he has left the past behind him in order to worry about the most important thing witc pph is the life he lives today please take the time to see how you both have grown and developed into good people reguarless of your past mistakes you have both learned and moved past them to realize what's important is to not carry on a past in witch you don't live there anymore

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  • Well he says he's ashamed of it so he is admitting to doing it, not that she was a crazy person that was oh so pissed at him and said he hit her. If he has obvious remorse about it I guess you can give him a chance if you want to, just be wary. 911 on speed dial and a frying pan in the other hand. But if it's a long history I say leave him alone 3 is more than a coincidence, it's a pattern. Maybe just don't be his girlfriend, and don't go to his house for a long time or move in with him just be like a friend and see how that goes. In being his friend just witness his levels of anger, now if he goes around punching walls in front of you that seems like he gets to enraged and the relationship maybe quits.

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  • I wouldn't give him a chance, even if he has a son he loves doesn't mean he won't be agressive.

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  • no, they cant, move on

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