He wants a relationship, but wants to be single too. What is going on?

I met him on okcupid. He told me he was too intrigued that there were no words to convey his feelings. He asked me out and I said yes. Our first date was a success, and it seemed like the perfect date for us both. It turned out we had a lot in common. After the date he tried to invite himself in. However, my ex was still living with me. I told him and it didn’t seem to bother him much, except for the next few times he came to pick me up he would sit in the car out front and kiss me for a long time, which felt like an attempt to make my ex jealous. He's also the jealous type, because he was intimidated by of my new male roommate and one of my guy friends.

One night we went to see our favorite band, and he introduced me as his “girl” to some friends. Then, just a few weeks later, he would go on and on about how extremely into me he was and how we had a spiritual connection that he’s never had with any woman before. He told me he wanted to be my boyfriend. Things were moving fast. I swear to god one night he was trying to tell me he loved me.

The first month we had lots of sex. Unfortunately, I had contracted HSV-1 from him. We both had breakouts, but mine were more extreme.

Ever since that our sex life took a dive. After that, he told me he was unsure if he liked me, which was coincidentally after I told him something seemed wrong “down there”. He dropped me off and wouldn't touch me. Two days later he called me back, saying he had to have me.

At that point, he told me he was afraid to be in a committed relationship…but he was so enamored by me he couldn’t resist and felt childish for being so scared.

Now, I find out he is still using okcupid and was online when I went to look at his page. We went from seeing each other every other day to once a week.

He told me again he was scared and felt he wasn't attracted to me on some level, but would be contradictory and tell me how attracted he was to me not long afterward. It doesn't make sense that I'm gorgeous and wonderful one day, but then undesirable the next.

One night I walked past his house and saw he was sitting out front with a girl. It was like 12 am. I came up to say hi. Not long afterward she left. I asked him if I had been interrupting anything. He said no and that she was "just a friend" (who he dated prior to me).

I asked him about how he felt about “us”. He said he wanted to be in a relationship with me, and that I was special to him, but he also wanted to be single.

He said the timing was wrong…he wants someone who has already got a Bachelors, and I'm still working on mine. He's 35 and I'm 28. I asked him if we were friends with benefits and he said "hell no" I was more than that.

This was one week ago. Now he invites me to spend the night, but won't have sex. I do know he has ED. But nothing is making sense. I got mad about it two nights ago and just left after he turned me down and fell asleep.

What is going on? Why does he swing back and forth? What is going .


Most Helpful Guy

  • Any person who wants to be in a relationship and be single as well obviously isn't relationship material.

    That means he wants the pros of being both but neither one of their cons.

    So, he sounds unstable and its probably not in your best interest to keep spending time with someone who isn't looking to be in a relationship.

    • Yes, you can't have both. If he wants to have a relationship and perhaps pursue people on the side, that's fine. It's a bit early to be that bored with one girl who he supposedly adores. I would have given him a chance to express that and perhaps considered it. But he's too unsafe to even trust to have an open relationship with--and we haven't been dating that long. Plus, he's too chicken to ask. He has some mental disorder that keeps him from maintaining sexual relationships, thus the ED.

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What Guys Said 3

  • I don't know what's going on with the guy he seems like he is not being very clear with you. I suspect he has some hidden agendas he hasn't told you about. What does the abbreviation ED mean by the way?

    • ED: erectile dysfunction. Most of the time we started having sex he was having issues keeping his d*** hard with a condom on. That's why he kept trying to get inside me without his thing covered. He would come, but it would take a while. The nice thing was he could last a long time once he did keep it up. He would try f***ing me multiple times in a row, but he was definitely trying to be unsafe so he could screw. That's probably why he got herpes from a previous chick.

    • Show All
    • My herpes breaks out in my mouth and genitals. I get cold sores in my mouth and blisters that turn into ulcerations. I get some on my inner thigh, too. Pretty scary when you feel like a condom is mostly useless in this situation. It's harder to pass on when there aren't noticeable sores or lesions, but still possible. There are medications to shorten the duration and severity of breakouts. However, they cannot cure it. Breakouts can last for weeks and can happen one or more times per year.

    • So apart from these breakouts that involve blisters, the virus does not kill you right? And how is it possible that the virus goes trough a condom? Why can't the body attack the virus with antibodies/ Does it not recognize it? I think you should synthesize some specific enzymes in the lab that can destroy the virus. That would be cool right. You would make lots of money also. :)

  • He's got issues, let him be in his confused state and move on to find what YOU want...

    • Issues? Yes. Might explain why he majored in psychology. The dude is trying to figure out why he's so messed up in the head.

  • He is using you as a sex toy only - drop him.


What Girls Said 4

  • Or maybe he wants a relationship with you on standby if that makes you happy, Because he consider the two of you are in a relationship NOW-sexually and only he's happy (sometimes) when your not bothering him...Keep that relationship and find you a sweet secret on the side that will appreciate All that you have to share.

  • he isn't sure about what he wants, he doesn't know how relationships are

  • Hes weird definitely, why did he blame it on you if you got it from him and then try to co eup with excuses. He's an ahole? He's not good for you he just wants flings

    • He suggested I may have gotten it from a transman I had recently slept with, even though the dude didn't touch me with his genitals. He used a strap on, which would not pass on HSV. It's possible I got it from kissing or him going down on me, but unlikely. I informed the transman after finding out, and he said he didn't have it. But my boyfriend had sex with a girl who DID have it right before dating me. It usually will breakout 2-20 days after transmission. He admitted fault and said sorry. Still.

  • He isn't going to give you what you need, find a guy who actually knows how to be in a relationship.


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