Help...toxic friend (I think)...

This is a question for anyone to answer if they don't mind.

I split up with my ex a few months ago. Obviously, I made mistakes but he was emotionally abusive, threatening and possessive.

Throughout our relationship, a colleague and friend of ours warned me about him. She said he had been difficult and slightly scary towards her and another woman when they refused to go out with him. She also, however, had told him she loved him (she's married) and was extremely jealous of our relationship.

I decided to find out for myself about him, as I didn't trust her completely and his story was totally different from hers (so the truth was probably in the middle, I thought).

At first, he was lovely. I also encouraged him to sort things out with this woman and they seemed to be friends again.

He gradually became more difficult and she started complaining about him to me. She made me promise not to tell him because she was frightened of him, then told me all these dreadful things he had done.. I don't have any friends and was so confused (and pathetic) that I also moaned about him to her when he was annoying me. I know that was wrong. When she said he had upset her about x, I tried to get him to talk about it and address it without revealing she had told me anything. I just wanted all the bad stuff to stop.

He continually asked if she was saying bad things about him, I continually said no. He threatened to "destroy her" otherwise. I eventually said to her that I couldn't have these conversations any more. He found out I'd said some stuff to her and screamed at me for being a liar, then accused me of lying about everything from then on.

She continued to say bad things about him and how awful and depressed he made her and how he'd ruined her life. I suggested she went to counselling, she refused. He made me promise to stop seeing her.

His behavior got worse and worse, shouting, screaming, abuse, standing over me etc.

Eventually I left him. Throughout the relationship, I told this woman that he was not being abusive to me, but he was. Now, she keeps saying how badly he's affected her and how devastated she is even though I'm the one whose relationship has ended and he did worse to me.

I think a lot of the reasons he got angry was because she got involved in our relationship and I listened to her too much.

I know I shouldn't have gone out with him or discussed anything with her. I know this is mainly my fault.

I work with both of them. I am on civil terms with him.

I am confused as to what to do about her?

I am looking for a new job and I am having counselling.

I just want to scream at her to leave me alone and focus on her very nice husband instead of my ex. Maybe I'm being unfair though, as she does seem to care about me sometimes.


Most Helpful Guy

  • She has mixed feelings I think. She wanted something with him at one point, she has something better now, she wants to paint a good picture of him but she knows he is no good. Your boyfriend is a a** and you shouldn't feel bad.

    I take it your ex was rather hot and could come off as very charming? If I'm right this woman wanted the thrill of a relationship with him at one point but knew he was trash. She wanted to warn you about things and help you and get you away for your own good. She likely has no idea how bad he is but knows he's poison. Listening to her was a good idea and no one but your husband thinks your bad for doing so.

    I think you can trust her in terms of him especially. She is married and most likely does not want anything with him. Remember that everyone likes to share and gossip its natural and does not imply she was trying to drive a wedge. If your ex was half way decent he would have proved her wrong by not yelling not blaming you and certainly not beating you.

    She may not care for you but was gossiping to relieve stress from the hard time your ex gave her. Just tell her he was hard on you and you don't want to hear anymore on the subject.

    Congratulations on counseling and the new job those are the first and hardest steps out of the hole.

    • Thank you, that's good advice. You're right that my ex was attractive and first! Thanks again.

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What Guys Said 0

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What Girls Said 3

  • well she's just unsure about stuff.

  • i would just stay away form her.

  • just dump her, why do you need a girl like that?


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