*I'm sorry, but this is long in order to be thorough*
So my boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend) have been together 3 months. Lately like the past week, we have been having a tough time. Before last week, things were going great. We didn't have any fights, we had fun together, kept constant communication when we weren't together, but my only issue with our relationship is that I didn't get to see my boyfriend as much as I wanted. I am in grad school during the week and I work on the weekends. He works 70-80 hour weeks, so both of our free-time is limited. We had a designated day out of the week to hang out and we made plans in advance.
He had this habit of canceling on me due to having a bad day, being stressed, or being in a bad mood. This was a trend from the very beginning but it began to get a lot worse recently (he cancelled on me 3 times in one week). Each time, I was understanding and we rescheduled. I didn't tell him that it hurt my feelings and that it felt like he didn't want to see me until recently.
The 4th of July, he texts me saying he doesn't want to hang out because he needs to be by himself and when I ask him what is going on he tells me that he feels like he isn't 100% into our relationship and that he doesn't feel like he's ready for a relationship like before (he broke up with me a couple months ago because he felt he wasn't ready and we got back together the next day.) When I asked him point blank if we were breaking up, he just said he didn't want to hang out that day.
We went basically the entire weekend without talking because I was trying to give him space. He reached out to me and texted me both Saturday and Sunday and we had a conversation like nothing was wrong.
I didn't hear from him on Monday so I called and left a voice mail saying that I need to know where we stand as a couple because I wasn't clear on that. He texted me and said that he isn't ready to be in the type of relationship that I want and that he doesn't want me out of his life but he doesn't like the 'pressure' he feels from me. He also said that he feels he can't make anybody happy when he hasn't been happy himself recently. I again asked him exactly what he was saying and what he wanted, but he didn't know. So, I ended it between us... not what I wanted to do, but I feel it's for the best, at least right now.
For all your psychology majors/enthusiasts out there... external factors:
- his girlfriend of 5 years broke up with him because she fell out of love with him 3 months before he and I started dating.
- he has a new boss that is very demeaning and scheduling him 14+ hour days (in the heat because he works in a warehouse)
- he has started taking testosterone boosters
I know something is not right because we were completely fine before this past week. I am so confused! Can depression change your feelings about your relationship?
I know we still care for each other, but it's just the wrong time for him. Is it possible to salvage our relationship? If so, how?
He has mentioned being irritable for no reason recently, loss of sexual desire, insomnia, and he misses his father who lives in another state. His mom has also mentioned he has been fishing alone a lot recently too.
Most Helpful Girl
From your description I'd say his two major issues are the testosterone boosters & his recent break up. This guy needs to learn how to take care of himself. When he himself is in better shape emotionally & mentally then he might be worth something in a relationship. However, right now, he's not worth your effort, I'm sorry to say.
The testosterone will do some crazy stuff to the body. It can mess you up physically & emotionally. I can only imagine he feels like he needs to be more of a "man" so that's why he's taking it. Men have some messed up ideas about what it is to be a man, and being physically buff is not it. Plus, you add his breakup to the mix. He's most likely on the rebound. In essence, you're good company for the most part, and you're easing his pain from his previous relationship. All around, this guy is a mess and you are better off steering clear of him.
You also need to take care of yourself. This guy has some toxicity going on which he needs to deal with, it's not something you can fix in him. He is not your responsibility. Believe me, I too have been in the position where I cared & loved so much that I just wanted to do something to help a guy. But the truth is, you can only help if & when they turn to you and ask for your help (which most of them don't do due to their ego & pride). The only thing you can really do is be good to you, respect yourself. Don't put up with multiple cancellations from anyone. A good guy worth his weight won't treat you like that. He won't give you lines like, "I'm not ready for that type of relationship". When I used to hear that sort of thing, I would bend my desires so that I could get at least something of a relationship. But what I was really doing was disrespecting myself in the process. I was settling for less than what I wanted. I deserve better than that and so do you. If you hold onto this messed up guy then you're keeping away a much better guy who wouldn't put you through this sort of thing. Think about it... imagine being in a relationship with a guy who won't make you feel like asking on GAG, "How do I salvage my relationship?"2
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