I am 29 years old. I have been with my boyfriend for 7 months and we have been living together for two months. I don’t know how to deal with him when he is mad. It starts off with one little thing and then he is mad about everything. I don’t know how to communicate with him. He hears what I say and twists my words and makes up things that I said. Example: yesterday I asked him to straighten up the house on his day off. He barely did then fed me excuses why he couldn’t. When I said I wasn’t mad, but disappointed he said I called him lazy and that HE was a disappointment. See what I am saying here? But that isn’t it.
He will spend hours running around the house doing this little thing or that little thing then around 10pm he is ready to work on a big project and I am ready for bed. Well, then he tells me that I never want to do anything and all I ever do is sleep.
I get so tired of hearing it that I eventually just shut up and go in another room. So as usual, I went and laid down in bed at 11 and fell asleep. He woke me up at 12 to argue for a minute then left the room. He left the bedroom door open knowing he was making a lot of noise in the next room where he was working. After hearing his comments about how he was tired of wasting his time and mumbling more crap about me, I closed the door. He opened it then went back to work. I closed it, again. He opened it and told me that he didn’t want to lay next to me in the bed. So I got up and went in to another bedroom. On the way to the other room he said he was done (which he usually says during an argument).
Around 2am after not being able to get back to sleep, I got some water. He was on the couch watching TV and told me that I could lay in the bed and that he was sorry. I still slept in the other room. I thought maybe that would give him time to reflect what had happened and maybe realize that it all wasn’t worth it. I’ll admit that I was hoping to put a little fear in him that I was taking the fact that he said he was done seriously.
(By the way, these are all examples just from last night, but are things that often happen when we argue)
How do I handle someone with this behavior? I don’t know if the things he is saying are how he really feels or if he is just saying things out of anger. Part of the reason I shut down is because I don’t want to say things out of anger, which I know I am very capable of.
What can I say or do to put a stop to these ridiculous arguments. How would you react to his behavior? Why does he talk to himself out loud, loud enough for me to hear and say that he doesn't have to put up with this sh*t, or make his comments about me...grrrrrrr
Most Helpful Girl
I think you two moved in together way too soon.
You only knew him for 5 months before you moved in with him.
Usually people take their time when making such a big step,
so that way they know a lot of the person's characteristics and (when
they do make that big leap), they know how to deal with it.
Here are some suggestions:
-Since he is almost impossible to communicate with.
Have you tried writing a letter to him, and having him read it?
That way he won't be able to interrupt you and he can take in what you have to say?
-Waiting until he calms down (when he is not in his mode), and try speaking with him again.
Tell him what want him to listen to what you say, and exactly how you say it.
-On a piece of paper try writing qualities you like about each other, and qualities you both can work on. And exchange those pieces of paper. Make a pact that you will try to change those things.
-(Jar improvement technique).
Everyday your partner will put a coin in your jar so you can actually see your improvements.
Eventually when that jar is full that will show exactly how much effort you both put towards making improvements about yourself.
Ex. (His main problem, is not listening) He needs to close his mouth and open his ears a little.
Everyday that he does this you put a coin in his jar.
(When he does not do this, you do not put a coin in a jar).
-When he does make progress and he stops doing this, you remove a coin from his jar (if he continues doing this, you eventually leave him with none).
If you two cannot try to make it work as adults, then you both cannot live together.