What could be going through her mind? Need insight from women!

I use to date this girl months ago for a month. We are in our mid 20s. Things just didn't seem to work out at that time. At one point, we stopped talking to one another when she gave me the "let's just be friends speech". She also claimed she felt no 'spark' We eventually went back to talking to each other. Since then, we have grown VERY close together. We talk more, hug, and even kissed on occasions. We have even fooled around on occasions. Yet, she would say she doesn't want a relationship. Finally, I got tired of all the going back and forth. I asked her what she was thinking about us. She said she cares about me a lot and likes me. She does have feelings for me and they have grown over time. However, she doesn't want to be in a relationship. She feels bad she has hurt me and apologized constantly. She said that in this 'race' she is the turtle and that I shouldn't wait for her. Instead, whatever happens, happens. She is a firm believer in things happening naturally. A few weeks later, we have sex. She wanted one night (it was her birthday) of no consequence and just fun. We were both sober and were in the moment. afterward, we lay in bed talking. She told me how we're not together and she doesn't want to be in a relationship. She is afraid of being hurt. Her last relationship (years ago AND the last time she had sex supposedly) ended badly and she doesn't want to be in that position again. She even went on to name reasons we shouldn't be together. Yet, on the way home, we held hands occasionally and would kiss frequently. I accept I can't change her mind and it is out of my control. However, EVERYONE thinks we should be together. Her friends and coworkers have all told her that I am a great guy (which I am) and would be great for her. Everyone seems to be on board with the idea of 'us' except for her. I was just wondering if any other women have been in a similar situation. If so, what thoughts were going through your mind? Why would you go back and forth between your heart and mind as in this case? I care about her deeply and only want her to be happy. Thanks for any advice/feedback. I appreciate it!

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Most Helpful Girl

  • It's evident that you care a lot about her! I'm not sure because this could go a couple ways. You could wait for her, and she may come around (yay!). But I would put a mental limit on yourself: no sex, no staying over night, don't pay for her all meals , and only "wait " for six months etc.

    You could back step and ask her to monogamously date you? I feel like this may not scare her as much, and after a while the relationship would "naturally" go from dating to relationship.

    Another more drastic tactic is to talk to other women / see other women. But that's risky.

    Show her that you won't hurt her, gain her total trust.

    Good luck!

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    • Trust is an issue. She went through my phone and read my messages a few weeks ago. She says she trusts me and confides in me but her actions say otherwise. I told her that damaged my trust level in her a lot. I may have exaggerated a bit but I definitely was deeply hurt by her doing that. Maybe it's me and all girls do this and she was honest about it?

      I'm talking to this other girl right now so I don't get too hooked on this girl even though it's obvious that I care about her a lot.

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    • Supposedly she looked because she was 'curious'. I don't understand what she would have to be curious about. I've been upfront with her since the beginning. She believes in being completely honest with one another and telling the truth.

    • Sometimes when you think you are meeting a person you could feasibly spend a while with, people want to run the other way and try new things. They know what they want...but they want to make sure they are right before they take the dive.

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What Girls Said 4

  • she is unsure what she wants, but she likes you.

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    • by unsure what she wants I'm assuming you're referring to a relationship? yes, I know she likes me and has feelings. she has both said it and I can tell by things she says & does.

  • i think she can't make up her mind and you should just try to step back so she can make up her mind

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  • she doesn't want anything serious right now, she doesn't want the commitment but she does have feelings for you.

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  • She sounds like a wreck.

    Honestly, you can't fix her. You have to choose if you want to risk being led on and hurt by her or not. There is a small chance she will get her damage together and be a good girlfriend, but it doesn't sound like she is very self aware and she doesn't really sound emotionally stable right now.

    Also, other people thinking you'd be a good couples really means nothing. Try not to build up false hope based on things like this. It's total future faking. Look at what's going on, what she's saying and think "How long can I deal with things being like this without being crushed?"

    Set some boundaries. If she fails to meet them, it's her loss. It's totally painful, but someone who drags you on and on like this really ruins your chances for happiness for a while if they don't pull it together -- or worse, pull it together for someone else.

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    • My intent is not to fix her, only she can get over her fear and past experiences. She is aware she needs to fix this. I agree she isn't emotionally stable and I opened her up to something she's been avoiding (relationships).

      The part of being good couples is brownie points. It doesn't mean anything to me unless she acts on it. My worst fear is I end up a stumbling block that will help her find someone else instead of me when I believe things would be great between us.

    • Completely understandable fear. It happens to lots of us. Like I said, the only thing you can do is set boundaries of self preservation and see what happens.

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