Is it possible there are people who "like" to be treated badly in relationships?

I just don't understand. Not only do I see this all the time, I think I have fallen a victim in this. My off and on again ex is such an a**hole, but I can't get enough of him. I love him and honestly I wouldn't mind spending the rest of my life with him... but he's probably the biggest jerk I've ever met.

He cheated on confirmed once, possibly twice with his ex at the beginning of our relationship. He contracted Chlamydia and passed it on to me. Bastard.

He is a huge cry baby and gets angry over the stupidest things, ties me down will not even let me have girlfriends, has a horrible drinking problem, and also has a tendency to talk to "cam girls". Which I consider cheating.

At the same time though... I see the good in him. The way he smiles and lights up a room, the way he cares for everyone even if he has an odd way of showing it. We are best friends more than boyfriend and girlfriend, and I love that. I'm not one for romance so he's perfect for me in that aspect.

Anyway, I've seen 2 people since we started dating over 3 years ago (we were broken up of course) and they were so nice and treated me like a princess. But it bothered me. Them treating me nicely pushed me away. I never want to cause anyone heartbreak or sadness, and I know that's what happens but I just can't help it. I'll try so hard to make it work with them but in my mind they don't even COMPARE to Ty. I know I deserve to be treated like how they treated me and I hate to be the one to fit in the category of "girls don't like nice guys". I want to give them a chance but I just always end up in my horrible relationship cycle... then I feel bad for the nice guys who deserve a chance :(

What is wrong with me/other people in this situation?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • Well, it depends. Many guys who treat their girlfriends like crap often start out sweet and nice. They lure their girlfriends in, and then slowly start to mentally and/or physically abuse them. But only gradually, so that she barely even notices the change and slowly gets used to it as well. Guys who are like this are very manipulative (and probably also narcissistic as well) by nature, and it's impossible to get them to change. It's difficult to say if the girlfriends "like" being treated that way. It's just that since they've been so gradually introduced to this abuse, they get used to it and sort of "expect" it, maybe even think it's normal. And as xHoneyxBeex said, girls who have been abused in the past or during their childhood are most likely to put up with the abuse a lot more.

    I'd also say that fantasy plays a part in these scenarios as well. The girls have seen the good sides of the guys in the beginning, and inbetween the abuse. They fall in love with the thought of that guy, and hope that if they stay long enough, he'll change for the better or go back to the way he was in the beginning. They are in love with the fantasy of having a perfect relationship with his good side (or "good side", sometimes they might even delude themselves into thinking he has one). The more the girls try to wait it out, the more abusive he'll become and the less they'll see his good side. He'll take advantage of their naïveté and use it as a tool for his manipulative nature.

    The only cure for this is for the girls to snap out of it themselves. Wake up one morning and realize they've had enough. As for you not feeling bothered by guys not being a**holes to you just means that you got too used to your ex's abusive behavior. It's something you'll have to wait out, it'll go away eventually. My advice is just to stay away from your ex. The more you'll cling onto him, the harder it will be to have a normal relationship with another guy in the future. Being with him or pining for him will only bring you hurt, trust me.

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What Guys Said 9

  • You need to get yourself away from that guy. Yes you deserve better and no you don't want to be treated like sh*t. Staying with this guy will just further mess with your head. You got hooked on the wrong guy and it happens to the best of us that we will refuse to give up on someone and try to see the best in them and we will let it destroy us emotionally because leaving makes us feel like bad people. People can have anger issues, drinking problems, etc and those types of things can be overcome. And in fact the right people in our lifes who love us can be the most valuable thing we have to get over those things. However ... he may have all those problems but where he crossed the line with you was cheating on you. Not once but several times. That's the worst . I'd rather have a girl who treats me like sh*t who is faithful rather than a girl who's nice but cheats all the time. So, really I think you should cut your losses and let him go. Its a tough call to make but you can't keep letting this destroy you and mess with your head.There's plenty of guys out there who will treat youlike a woman should be treated. You just need to cut your losses and take a break from dating for awhile so you'll be emotionallt available for a guy who actually deserves you. You need to get yourself to like the nice guys if you truly want to be happy.

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    • This was probably the best answer I could be given. Thank you so much! I should help myself before I stumble into another relationship, I completely agree. You rock :P

    • Your welcome...your gonna have to let go though and that's gonna be hard. But you need to heal yourself. This guy has corrupted you. I'm one of the nice guys out there and as much of it is of a matter of who you should and shouldn't date...its for your own good ...the right guy is going to treat you well and let you be you not some pet of his. I think its a matter of girls don't think they can do better when it comes to dating a**holes when truth is they really can.

  • If you were showing a pattern of going from one bad relationship to another then I might suspect that you wanted to be treated badly. However, in your case the answer may be very simple: you are in love with this guy, but unfortunately not completely in love...

    In my opinion, complete love encompasses both the rational and non-rational parts of our mind. The rational part of the mind needs to respect the person and know that he/she respects you; and it needs to trust the person and feel safe with them. The non-rational part of the mind is about a non-conscious bond which you develop with someone. It's hard to even say why this happens, although it is possible that this person matches some inner representation of an ideal you have developed throughout your childhood and adolescence. Or maybe it is just the right chemical mix in the brain at a certain time. But once it happens you are hooked without really understanding why. The rational bond can change much more easily than the non-rational bond. It is easy to lose respect and trust for a person if they betray you, however the non-rational bond may be for life...

    In your case you appear to have the non-rational bond of love without the rational part. You don't respect him or trust him. You think he is a jerk, and you resent things he has done to you. Yet you still want to be with him. Other guys who are much more attractive to your rational mind somehow don't measure up to this guy who treats you badly. No matter what he does, you still can still see the good in him. But are you seeing the good with your rational mind, or with you non-rational mind?

    Unfortunately, you are at war with yourself. One part of you wants to get away from him and the other part can't bear to be without him. It's almost like an addition--people who say "love is a drug" are correct. Addicts know in their rational mind that the drugs are killing them, and that they should stop--but non-rational part of their mind only wants to keep doing it because a bond has been formed between the drug and the non-rational mind. The part of your mind that is the strongest will win, and no one knows which part that is until they are in this situation. Some addicts can walk away from the drug and move on with their lives, some cannot. Some women can walk away from an abusive relationship, others will stay with the man even if he puts her in the hospital. This can happen to men too, so no one is immune...

    I'm not trying to paint a bleak picture--love can be a beautiful thing and for most people it represents the ideal state of existence. However, it is also a *powerful* thing and can produce a lot of pain when it goes wrong. I hope that is not the case for you...

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  • I think you need to break it with him AND stop dating for a while..

    In the same time.. do something else that excites you , a sport, a hobby.. travel etc.. get away from him as much as possible without getting with any other guy.. simply getting with other guys will make you compare with him.. the goal here is to forget him...

    Think about it this way .. will you stay with his cheating behavior forever ? ... NO... then why make it later when you can make it sooner... do you wanna be 35 and messed up from him ? who will take you then ? how many more stds are you willing to take ?

    I am not blaming you for your attraction...you can't help what you can't help... but you need to take solid steps to stop this cycle.. go to a different state.. go ona tour in Europe.. leave for a big while.. don't erase his data .. just ignore him... stay away for months and months... untill the magnetism between you and him weakens.. and it resets back ... never date for like 6 months after leaving him.. completely immerse yourself in other hobbies , sports , travels , studies etc ..

    Look at your future... he will not change ... in fact he will probably get worse.. and you will his deposit of stds and if you get a reputation .. and once you sober up late ... nobody will be that interested as these nice guys now. Go to therapy you need it.

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  • My guess is you have a rough upbringing and or your dad was rather abusive or absent?

    This is way more common in women than in men and I think the reason is simply because of hormones and sexuality. A guy who treats you badly, also appears dominant, and that's because he essentially is. He's in the power position. It is you who is seeking his approval and is following his orders. However, just like in the world world, a boss can be nice or they can be a jerk. You don't have to be a jerk to be dominant. The problem, as most managers find out, that middle ground is really tough to balance. What I'm essentially saying is women are putting their sexual attraction and emotions over what's logically right. As is typically the case with women, the emotional decision wins out over the logical one, because its just how you are wired. So the guy who respects you might on paper seem to be the better candidate for a BF, but the jerk is what really gets your blood and hormones pumping.

    Also, the girls who tend to exhibit this behavior almost always have had bad experiences with men, typically starting with their fathers. Their male role models (father, teachers, bf's, etc.) have treated them badly and as a result, the girl grows accustom to this treatment. She starts understanding it as the status quo, that this is how real men behave. We base a lot of our judgments off of our parents, especially when talking about the opposite sex. So if your dad was a jerk, then you'll assume other jerks are OK, and fitting the mold of a real man. A nice guy on the other had raises red flags. Something seems off because he doesn't match up to your image of what a man is supposed to be.

    Finally, going back to the first point, many women like drama because of the emotional stimulation, a dramatic event can provide. For many women, drama is like sex for the brain. Some women will gravitate or even cause drama on purpose by picking fights with her Boyfriend or chosing guys who have a lot drama themselves. These types of girls get board if there is no fighting going on. These types of relationship might have a lot of sexual energy, but the reality is that they are never stable because they are constantly fighting.

    Personally, judging by how extreme the case you presented is, I would say you have a pretty serious problem and should probably see a therapist. because your behavior has clearly become very destructive. You're going to have a really sad life, if you keep rejecting good men, for guys who are jerks and have STD's.

    Update: Just read the other comments and I see you were sexually abused as a child. This would definitely play a role. This is what I was talking about in terms of your upbringing.

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    • My dad is actually my best friend and has been since day 1. My family life is perfect, my moms side of the family is very wealthy and family oriented, my dad himself is wealthy and is the nicest/coolest person in my life, his family is also very friendly and family oriented. So no problems there lol. My mom has always had jerk pyscho boyfriends growing up but that's the only thing I can say for negative males in my life. I've always dated cheating a**holes, even back to like

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    • I've been taking birth control since I was 14, so it's been a long time. Lol. And I could care less about looks, to be honest he's not the best looking but I fell in love with his personality after becoming good friends. I feel I use a good amount of logic and going with how I feel. Like if I based this situation off of how I felt, I'd still be with him and wouldn't have ever broken up. The way I feel is different from what I know is right.

    • I'm not talking about just looks. I'm talking about the way a guy makes you feel. Many girls, if their hormones are running wild, will always drift to the guy who simply makes her feel warm and fuzzy on the inside (aka horny). It could just be his demeanor that does this to you. The point is the decision is being made on emotions, not logic. I was wrong, your logic is winning out at the moment, its just that your sexuality/vagina is putting up a good fight against your brain.

  • There are plenty of weirdos out there and masochism in any form is one of things which shock the most and makes me wonder what kind of a f***ing sickos are they?

    About you - yes, you are one of them

    I have only one thing to say now - I'm not a believer but may god have mercy on your soul 'coz if you'll continue this way you're up to experience hell of a pain!

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  • Nothing wrong with you.

    I think you're used to being treated badly (correct me if I'm wrong), and that's why when guys are nice to you, you're not used to it.

    The problem some women who are stuck in abusive relationships have, is that on one hand, they really like the guy, but on the other hand, they can't stand his abuse. They love him when he's being nice, and although he can be really mean sometimes, they either hope he changes, or they think that his niceness makes up for his meanness.

    Just .. be happy. Don't be with those mean guys. If you don't like those abusive qualities, or cheating, or drinking, then don't stay. Don't be with toxic people.

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  • "Is it possible there are people who "like" to be treated badly in relationships? "

    Yes.

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  • er... people don't have to be nice?

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  • It's girls like you that make me feel as if I will never have a girl like me for who I am. The kind of girl who makes me feel as if I have to be bad in order to attract women and that I could never be a good boyfriend.

    Such a shame because you're a beautiful girl.

    This question blows!

    :(

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    • :( I'm sorry. Not all girls are like that. In order to find who you're meant to be with ya gotta be yourself :) I'm just messed up apparently lol, you wouldn't want a girl like me anyway. And thank you!

What Girls Said 8

  • what? this sounds like a slave and master relationship lol

    If you really examine your thoughts, feeligns and actions. You will uncover that your subconscious belief is: Love is cruel and to be loved is to be treated badly.

    It sounds like a karmic relationship to me rather than about a good healthy relationship where both people are truly at their equal.

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  • I don't think anyone "wants" or "likes" to be treated like sh*t in a relationship. I think sometimes people just don't know any better. From what I've noticed, it's especially common with people who were either emotionally or physically abused when they were younger and then they grow up and expect that from relationships.

    The sad part is, no one can make them realize that they deserve better, they have to figure that out for themselves. For instance, I could sit here and say so much about this guy you're talking about and how much of a low life he is but would that change your mind about him? I doubt it.

    Usually it just gets so bad to the point where people finally wake up and realize they can't live like that or with someone who treats them like that. I wish I could make so many people realize they deserve better BEFORE it gets to that point but I can't. It's just something they have to figure out for themselves.

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    • What about sexually abused? I was for 3 years by the same guy starting at age 4. I've always wondered if it played a part in some of the choices I make. I never want to use it as an excuse for my behavior though. So many people tell me he's a low life, I know he is but I just want to help him because I see all of his potential. I honestly want to be the one to bring that out.

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    • I understand. I think you should just distance yourself from him and actually take the time to be with this other guy who treats you better. Maybe then you won't want to be in that abusive relationship anymore. You deserve so much better! And no problem, I hope I could help a little:)

    • You really did! Thank you :)

  • When you see these people who seem to enjoy being hurt,its because they do not love themselves enough to realize that they deserve better. If you can not love yourself,how can anyone else love you?

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  • It tends to be because of low self-esteem in my experience.

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  • i would jsut think you guys need to get away from each other.

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  • Here's the thing: unless someone is a masochist, or they had that pattern growing up in their family and think it is normal, nobody actually likes the abuse / bad treatment. I think cheating and giving STDs is abuse.

    I think for most people in your situation, they stay in a relationship because the highs outweigh the lows. Maybe you're constantly wishing that he would treat you better, but you love his other traits too much to let him go.

    Other people will stay in abusive relationships for other reasons. I know I have, because despite being unhappy and repulsed by the person, I wanted my worth validated by being in a relationship and having that girlfriend status. Or, I would feel so terrible about myself and what I had to offer that I didn't think I could do better, and it was either him or being alone as a spinster for the rest of my life. Some people stay for the kids, or economic dependence.

    I hope that made sense! I hope you can find the strength to leave this guy, because he is bad news. you're strong for putting up with so much crap, but you don't deserve it at all.

    I think those other guys did not appeal to you simply because they did not peel. they may not have had the christma, intelligence, chemistry, etc. that your boyfriend have. I think that dismissing guys that treat you well then cleaning that you don't like to be treated well if, productive. I know myself that guys acted nice in the beginning aren't always that way deep down, and I got a bad feeling about them and have no attraction because they really jerk inside with not a fun stuff like you have with your boyfriend.

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    • *appeal, charisma, claiming, is counterproductive, had, with no fun stuff

      Using Google voice, excuse the typos haha

  • I don't think so. No girl enters a relationship saying she wants be treated terribly.

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  • i think they think that is what relationship are

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