Do you think it's possible to take a f***-friend type of relationship to the next level?

I've been talking to this guy for almost five years, on and off. I'm 22, he's 26. Initially, he pursued me. We spent a lot of time together, hit it off, things were great but just casual. I wanted to have sex after about three months, he actually kinda waved it off. Another month of hanging out, I had some feelings for him, and I finally worked up enough guts to broach the subject with him. His answer was that he liked me too, he could see us being something more serious, but he hated my friends and the condition to us being together would involve me being willing to cut off all my friends. I'd already been through a relationship where that had happened to me and it didn't end well, so I chose to keep my friends. He shrugged it off, but we didn't talk for two months or so,

Two months later he called me, and we were hanging out like before. Finally, he invited me to a Valentine's day party, and things got intimate for the first time. The relationship continued with sporadic phone calls and hanging out, not always having sex, but maybe half the time something happened. I went away to college, he offered to visit me a few times, but I was always busy or sick...

Halfway through my first year, he let me know he got a serious girlfriend, I wished him the best of luck, and the contact lessened. But when I had an abusive boyfriend and called him for advice, he listened. When he broke up with his girlfriend for a bit after a year and a half, he called me and stopped by me to say hello and get a drink. They got back together, I started dating someone else for a little while, then we both ended up single and he reached out.

We played phone-tag for a few months, and finally we hungout for the first time recently; I went to his local bar, we met up, had a bunch of drinks and played bar games, and went home together. It gets kindaaa blurry for a bit, but basically I woke up with him, horribly hungover and probably looking like a hot mess. We hungout all day until the early evening and just talked. I cooked, he played some music, we cuddled up together and took a nap, and he took me home.

Now, he's still a little emotionally off from his break-up. A guy needs time to get his confidence and their own identity back after a long relationship, and I know he's still trying to find his footing with that. I don't want to push him, but I sent a follow-up text to let him know I had a good time and I would like to see him again soon and he said he had a good time as well and he'd like to hangout soon as well. But I would like things to be different this time around. How can I know if he feels anything for me beyond a casual sexual attraction and comraderie? Do I ask him about it, or should I let him bring it up? How can I know if he does feel anything for me at all beyond friendship? I don't want to scare him off, nor push him, but I don't wanna be a warm body in a bed. I want to be something more.


Most Helpful Guy

  • If you want to be something more than before then you have to BE something more than before. You need to change you whole attitude about your past relationships with him and start over. First you need to decide how you'd like to continue with him... like how you want to be with him and how you want him to be with you. You can't be worried about scaring him off because if by what you say does scare him off then that'd be a good thing because that would tell you that he doesn't want to be in the kind of relationship with you that you want now. If you want to make a change, then make one. If you really don't, then don't expect anything different to happen. It'll keep being a messed up on and off type of mixed up relationship like before. You have to want something to change bad enough before it will. That involves having a serious talk with him, and he has to be willing to talk about it as much as you do. It is possible to take what you had before to the next level because anything is possible in relationships if two people want the same thing. You can't want it for him. He has to want the same thing as you. If you don't want to be just a warm body in bed then stop being one. As long as you keep being that easy to get why should he try any harder. Don't worry about his getting his confidence back. Worry about getting your own back. You are treating him with kid gloves when you should be treating him like an adult man. Get your confidence and self-respect back and start being better and expecting better and stop ending up in his bed. If he'd like to take it to the next level he'll notice your difference and will move forward with you. If he doesn't want that, no amount of pushing, shoving or begging will change that. You should be able to tell his true intentions by how he treats and respects you... and by how he seems to really care about you and makes a point to keep in touch with you. When a guy wants a girl he goes after her regardless of anything else. Good luck!


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  • I'm sure there are exceptions, but in my experience, no it's not possible.


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