Looking for Editing help! (Custers Last Stand - Press Release)

So I am doing up a press release for a trip that was taken by a local group I organized. If there is anyone out there who'd like to proof read it and give any input I would greatly appreciate it.

It's in VERY rough draft form right now... hoping to get it finished this week! eek!

I will post it here, probably in sections because of the # of words..

This is what I have written so far, some of it needs more added and things moved around.. perhaps some taken out as well...

"Mounted horseback pistol drawn, ready to fight, standing in line with the rest of your platoon. As you hear the war cries of the Indians below in the ravine you're troop charges, galloping headlong into a brutal battle. Gunshots, loud hollering and dust surrounds you. It's a hectic clash of soldiers, horses and braves. Soon you find yourself unhorsed, entangled in a deathly skirmish with an Indian Brave. Suddenly a deep, scorching pain sears through your midsection. Horror strikes you as you look down in time to see the sharp end of an arrow sticking through your stomach before the daze takes you, crumpling you to the ground into an endless wall of black...

It was an exciting adventure for Ottawa Valley's Valley Rangers, a small group of young equine enthusiasts with a common interest in horses and warfare. On June 14th 2013 they arrived in camp ready to take on the challenges of 19th century cavalry troopers with the 7th cavalry regiment under the command of George Armstrong Custer. It's all part of the U.S. Cavalry school's “Custer's Last Stand Adventure”, a week long gimps into the life of a cavalry soldier during the Indian wars of the 1800's and three days of reenacting Custer's battle of the Little Big Horn.

For those not familiar with the battle, Lieutenant George Armstrong Custer had been sent with his regiment to gather up the remaining hostile Indians and move them to the government set reserve. It was a long gruelling trip and by the time Custer made it to the Little Big Horn, where the Indian camps were, his men were weary and horses tired. What he didn't count on was the number of Indians, it is estimated more than 1500 warriors which more than doubled Custer's force putting them at am extreme disadvantage. Unfortunately for Custer the Indians were aware of his arrival and ready to fight. The battle was a short bloodbath and ultimately ended in the death of Custer and annihilating of his company.

There are now annual battle reenactments held on or close to the dates of the battle in June to remember the battle and those lost. One of those reenactments is actually held on part of the battle field where Custer Marched, this is the one the U.S. Cav school participates in. The school camps on Crow Indian land right where some of the battle was fought, on the banks of the Little Big Horn river in Garryowen, Montana."
Updates:
"In camp each trooper is assigned a uniform, a cot in an authentic wall tent and a horse to care for and ride throughout the duration of the course. The days start early with boots and saddles followed by morning formation before chow. Activities over the course of week include a lot of time in the saddle learning how to ride in formation, doing drills, handling the weapons – sabres and pistols, patrols of the battlefield and staged missions."
"Even for those who aren't interested in history the feeling of riding out on the battlefield is exhilarating. Herds of wild horses perched on hills in the distance, the smell of sagebrush rising up in the warm air, wide open blue sky – it's amazing.

Throughout the week troopers take a trip to the exact location of Fort Custer and shoot both pistols and carbines on range. There is usually a public competition also for those who wish to test there skill against other marksmen."
"Back at camp they do various weapon drills such a cross country pistol balloon course which is timed and done on horseback.

As the Valley Rangers found, the week is full of excitement. The thrill of riding out across the river and seeing wild rattle snakes for the first time was enough! Being intermingled with the native Indian culture was a unique experience and one the Valley Rangers will go back to! "

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What Guys Said 1

  • freecorrect.com

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What Girls Said 1

  • This trip sounds so exciting! I like what you have so far. :) I'm new at editing so I hope my suggestions are helpful.

    First Paragraph:

    "... As you hear the war cries of the Indians below in the ravine you're troop charges, galloping headlong into a brutal battle. .." "you're" should be "your"

    "...Gunshots, loud hollering and dust surrounds you..." I understand what you're trying to say here, but "gunshots" and "loud hollering" can't surround you. Instead of "surrounds", maybe try "overwhelms"?

    "...Horror strikes you as you look down in time to see the sharp end of an arrow sticking through your stomach, the daze takes you, crumpling you to the ground into an endless wall of black..." I would suggest changing this to: "...Horror strikes you when you see the sharp end of an arrow sticking through your stomach. Crumpling to the ground, the daze takes you into an endless wall of black..."

    Second Paragraph:

    "...On June 14th 2013 they arrived in camp ready to take on the challenges..." Commas should be after "14th" and "2013" - "June 14th, 2013, they..."

    "It's all part of the U.S. Cavalry school's “Custer's Last Stand Adventure”, a week long gimps into the life of a cavalry soldier during the Indian wars of the 1800's and three days of reenacting Custer's battle of the Little Big Horn." "gimps" should be "glimpse"

    Third Paragraph:

    "It was a long gruelling trip and by the time Custer made it to the Little Big Horn, where the Indian camps were, his men were weary and horses tired." "gruelling" should be "grueling"

    ". What he didn't count on was the number of Indians, it is estimated more than 1500 warriors which more than doubled Custer's force putting them at am extreme disadvantage." I would suggest changing this to "What he didn't count on was the number of Indians. Estimated at more than 1500 warriors, the braves more than doubled Custer's force."

    "The battle was a short bloodbath and ultimately ended in the death of Custer and annihilating of his company." "annihilating" should be "annihilation"

    Fourth Paragraph:

    "One of those reenactments is actually held on part of the battle field where Custer Marched, this is the one the U.S. Cav school participates in. The school camps on Crow Indian land right where some of the battle was fought, on the banks of the Little Big Horn river in Garryowen, Montana." "Marched" should be "Marched", "Cav" should be "Calvary", "river" should be "River"

    First Update:

    "Activities over the course of week include a lot of time in the saddle learning how to ride in formation, doing drills, handling the weapons – sabres and pistols, patrols of the battlefield and staged missions." "sabres" should be "sabers"

    Second Update:

    "There is usually a public competition also for those who wish to test their there skill against other marksmen." "there" should be "their"

    Hope this helps! Good luck!

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    • Thank you very much! I will continue to work on this! :)

      Hopefully I can get it done soon.

    • You're welcome! Glad to help. If you'd like me to look over another draft, feel free to message me. :)

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