How do I deal with my boyfriend's ex wife (mother of his children)?

When I met my boyfriend, around a year ago, I was made aware of his past. My boyfriend is 30, I am 22 - he was married 4 years ago and has a step-daughter and a son with his ex. My boyfriend and his ex really aren't in love anymore, that isn't a worry in the slightest but his ex is very bitter towards me. I understand it must be so difficult to see another woman be introduced to your children, especially as the children have taken to me so much but it feels as though she is doing anything in her power to make mine and my boyfriend's lives miserable. I totally understand that my boyfriend and his kids' mum must have contact when necessary, to discuss arrangements with the children. However, according to my boyfriend, since him and I got together, this contact is much more frequent and manipulative than it otherwise had been. His ex is happily re-married, to a good looking, kind man and they are planning their first child together but it is as though she is determined that my boyfriend cannot be happy without her say so (which makes no sense as she cheated on him). As I say I don't mind them having contact when it is necessary, for things such as where he needs to pick the kids up from or if they're ill. What I do have an issue with though, is texts and phone calls that are simply to attack his parenting skills, to attack me and to completely ruin our days. For instance, she will always text on a Friday night when my boyfriend doesn't have the kids, knowing him and I will be out... and these texts will always be unnecessary and nasty. He has tried talking to her, he has tried cutting contact and going through his mother, he has tried talking to her partner but it is not stopping and is putting a strain on our relationship despite our best efforts. I would really appreciate any positive feedback/advice from someone who has perhaps been in a similar situation. Thanks :)

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  • I'd imagine she still does feel some sort of connection to the boyfriend. And doesn't' like the idea that the father of her child is seeing someone else. But I think this is something that will fade particularly if you two just kind of let it fade to black. If two of you just sort of appease her for a bit, kill her with kindness but also don't acknowledge the nasty crap she says perhaps she will realize that her actions aren't getting the reactions she's hoping for.

    most often when people are acting childish/petty/etc. what they are really feeding of is the reactions they get. So a child stomps around the house when they don't get what they want because they hope to get attention that will re-enforce their behavior (stomping=attention). I'd try to not re-enforce her actions or at least not re-enforce them the way she wants. Additionally I'd continue to maintain a relationship wiht her new partner maybe even forwarding specifically nasty stuff (if appropriate for him to read) so that the new partner could address it with her directly, cause frankly I'd be mad at my wife/partner for behaving the way she is

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    • Thanks so much for the advice. My boyfriend has exchanged numbers with her partner, who is totally unaware of the amount of contact she makes and the ways in which she chooses to communicate.

    • yeah I would doubt he does. if my wife was in regular contact with her ex I'd be pretty furious, particularly when it didn't simply involve management of their child

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What Guys Said 6

  • Stand clear! It could get ugly. After my folks split, my moms boyfriend at the time harassed the heck out of my dad, totally pissed me and my sister off. We pretty told this moron to quit bothering our dad and get a life. Thank god later on my mom dumped his pathetic self.

    Wow, that's kinda a big age range. I think your guy is a little to old for you.. You should date your age range

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  • Stay out of it, their child and parenting issues need to stay between them. Your boyfriend has to be the one to put his foot down, and if he's already done that then he needs to try harder. Or get a lawyer and ask him what can be done.

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  • That's why it is called baby mama drama. It sucks, but goes with the territory. Kill her with kindness when you have to interact with her.

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  • I have a friend that went through a similar situation. The breakup was mutual, and their interactions were amicable and civil for a considerable amount of time. That is, until he met his current wife. That's when his ex became jealous and unreasonable, which essentially led her to turn his kids against him and his wife. She also made up excuses to keep his kids on the nights that he was scheduled to have them. As a counteraction, he saved all of the text messages, harassing calls, voice mails and unscheduled visits to their home that ex made. He also avoided responding to her in a harsh manner.

    Eventually, he had enough evidence to go through the proper channels, and was subsequently awarded shared custody. As a result of him putting his foot down, his ex calmed down and respects his boundaries. They now have a common goal to focus on the best interest of their children.

    Perhaps your boyfriend should consider taking the legal route.

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  • Been there, done that, consider me the experienced Boyfriend with all the same history, sans trying to go through mom.

    First, the solution

    All communication, scheduling (calendars are a MUST, following lawyer agreements to a T) & transportation must ONLY be performed (for a few years) between YOU & ex's HUBBY. The parents may suggest solutions, preferences, fears but Y+H shall claim undue hardships being placed in the middle and will hammer out a cooperative more reasonable deal that's best for all.

    Only the ex will be stubborn over this but that becomes her Hubby problem and he can exercise his valid point that she's spending too much of her love time for him on whipping her ex, your BF/etc.

    Motivation will be the most difficult part of this but if everyone - even kids - participate, time will lubricate these gears.

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  • he takes care of another womans child? his stepdaughter from ex wife? that's kinda weird to me. anyway why are you letting her bother you? that's what really makes no sense I mean there's always going to be resentment there and she apparently will never stop doing what she's doing so just let it be what it is nothing you see she texted attacking your parenting skills "oh whatever its that bitch again..."

    have I been in a sim. situation not exactly but I've seen it (my dad cheated on my mom and married his wife so every now and again my mom and her will have heated words with each other)

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    • he takes care of her because the little girl has known him pretty much since she was born and it would be unfair on her for him to care for her little brother and leave her at home.

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