Losing yourself in a relationship. How do you regain individuality?

After being in a relationship that's steady and serious for a while, at least 2 years, does it make sense to freak out that maybe you've lost yourself along the way? Maybe those two years were a long honeymoon and you come back to reality only to realize you stopped pursuing hobbies and working out, making friends and keeping in touch with old ones. If both of you love each other and see a future together, how do you restore individuality? Through space? And would it not be hard to give space and take space after 2 years of being practically joined at the hip? (Assuming we don't live together but spend most of the weeknights and weekends together when we are not working or studying). Any advice would help, I need some light shed on this to better understand why space would be good because part of me fears it. I fear it will drive us apart rather than bring us together?

We are trying giving each other space, but it's been hard for me. On days he's not here with me I miss him terribly. And yet I don't think he misses me that way. I know he misses me and says he's always thinking about me, but he is enjoying his time away from me. How can I do the same?


Most Helpful Girl

  • If you're happy in the relationship and just want to re-connect with some of your favorite people/activities, then that is a very healthy thing to do and could actually improve your relationship over the long run. It's not like you need to spend entire days or weeks apart from your SO- just make the effort to call up friends you haven't seen in awhile, ask them to meet you for lunch/dinner/whatever, and spend a few hours just catching up. You can always go back home to the boyfriend at the end of the night, if you want to. The thing is, healthy and happy couples *want* to be independent of each other... if you have trust, honesty, and a real desire to make each others' lives *better*, then it's important to be your own person and have your own life. Sometimes spending a few hours apart can just reinforce the love you have for each other, anyway!

    It's scary to realize how committed and dependent you've become on another person, even if you're actually happy and things are going well. I know all too well how easy it is to get lost in an amazing relationship, believe me, but it's equally easy to re-connect with your old life and bring everything together as a whole.

    • Thanks! I have begun trying to fill my free time with new activities, meeting new friends, etc. Its hard when all my friends and family are back home and away from me (I Skype them these days). He has family here so its easier for him to regain his sense of self. I get a bit jealous that he has that support and I dont. Plus we don't live together ... so if he goes out, he goes home and its a few days till I see him again. I have limited the texting/calling though in an effort to give space.

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What Guys Said 1

  • Yeah, space is usually teh best. Both physical space (seeing each other less) and attentive space (maybe just texting each other the days you don't see each other instead of call).

    A wise person once said, "In order for people to TRULY be good for someone else, they must first be good to themselves on their own." Basically meaning, a person is best for a relationship when they know how to be independent as well. Don't be needy, don't be emotionally dependent, etc. It's all beneficial to relationships.


What Girls Said 1

  • get yourself busy...

    i was with my ex. everyday since day one...after 7 yrs...we were like one...or lost the self..

    now he is gone..

    so for you go out w. your friends...find activities you like or volunteers...then when you see him or talk to him you have diff. things to say to him...and will make him miss you more.

    good luck