Am I making the best choice for my future?

My best friend of 2 years made his feelings known when I began divorce proceedings. We both made it clear to each other that I would need time and that we should not rush into things. We waited about a month, and nothing really changed, because I'd already gotten over my ex WAY before the D.

As it turns out, I had no idea how messed up I really was until about 2 months later. I was finally able to take time for myself and enjoy life. That's when all the subconscious issues caused by the marital problems came to the surface and began wrecking havoc on my new romance.

Now, this guy is NOT friend-zone guy. He legitimately cares about me for me, and would have been happy for me no matter what I did, as long as it was healthy and smart. And after 2 years, I learned to really care about him, and eventually we both started falling for each other. There was no interest on either side beyond friendship at the beginning.

He was the one to say first that he wanted me to take time after my D and make sure I really wanted him, and it wasn't just a rebound. And when I did start having issues last month, he was not only very understanding, he was really supportive.

He was completely cool when I said I needed to take a break from him, and focus on some real therapy and get help. I don't want to hurt him because of wounds from my ex.

Well last week, I started to realize that him "loving me for me", and willing and ready to get back with me whenever is actually bad for my progress. If I let myself think he's willing to be with me as I am, what's my motivation to get better?

I'm VERY aware of my damage, and all the flaws and problems it has created within me, and the way I treat others. I KNOW I need help, and I WANT to get better. This means that I will likely change. That being said, I needed a full break-up. I needed to be totally single so that I'd be motivated to see this through, and because I don't want a man to get hurt later if I realize that I can't be with him.

I love this guy, and he's been really good for me. I don't really believe that I won't want him later, I knew I had to do it this way. So when I tried to tell him, and explain, suddenly he got really pissed with me, and began rudely throwing all my flaws in my face! I mean, all those things he said are true, and that;s why I want help. It seems like he was willing to wait, and take a break, but a break up is not allowed. It was a break or never.

Like basically I HAVE to say we're still together now or I won't get him back. I'm don't think it's right to make him wait for me, but he wanted me to try a break, and I did, but it felt wrong. I know I'm going to hurt him again before I get better if we stay together, and I don't want to do that to him.

Is he being selfish and unreasonable, or was I being weak and lazy? Should I have tried to stay with him?
We're back to best friends again, and even closer now. It's awkward sometimes because he's more honest with me on a more intimate level than before, but very obvious that he does truly love me for me and wants me to be happy no matter who I am with. The reason he was so rude to me was because he was convinced I was making excuses to spare his feelings and he felt lied to. He couldn't understand, at the time, where all my reasons were coming from. But something he does relate to is real feelings
being buried so deep that we're not consciously aware of them. He understands now that it took time for me to realize what I was really thinking and feelings.


Most Helpful Guy

  • He is in-love with you, which is why he seems insecure, selfish and unreasonable. While he appears to want the absolute best for you, he is also may be very afraid of losing someone that he genuinely cares about and wants a future with. I'm sure we all can understand the natural fear and anxiety that causes. In my opinion, his ultimatum should serve as a sign of that and nothing else.

    With that being said, I recommend you do what's in your own best interest. If he truly cares for you the way that he claims, he should come to realize his errors and thus support your decision to make a clean break for the sake of repairing the damage your divorce has caused you. He should know that staying with you in your present state is not good for either of you.

    Unfortunately, you must go.


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What Guys Said 2

  • If you don't feel you could stay with him, you are right to go with the break. I'm sorry he's hurt but you can't be with people you don't want to be with.

    I think a clean break is in order so he can start to move on.

    • We haven't spoken at all in 3 days since it happened. I'm going to let him come to me when he's ready.

    • I think you need to tell him it's over for good if he comes back.

  • I guess I don't understand the rationale that you won't be motivated to change if someone loves you as you are. Isn't there motivation to change exactly because someone loves you? What motivation is there when you're on your own? As for hurting him, isn't this more his choice than yours? That is, if you let him know what he's in for if he stays on with you then it's his choice whether to risk getting hurt or not. If you deny him this choice, isn't that hurting him too? Granted he has no right to complain later if you stay together and your warnings come to pass. But that is part of the risk.

    I would probably be pretty angry too under the circumstances, although there is no reason that he had to be rude to you about it.


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