My ex wants back in my life but I am not sure why? Help ! Very confused

I dated a guy back in the winter for about 3 months. He was crazy for me and pursued me heavily. We live over an hour apart so we would see each other on weekends but talk and text daily. I had no doubt he was really into me. Well, he started to do a 180; became distant and not seeming so eager to see me towards the end. He had a terrible break up months before( she had left him for another man, they were together for 2 years). So he made it seem like he just was not ready like he thought he was. We got into a argument on the phone and he hung up, and I didn't hear from him again. Until now. 3 months passed with no contact and he sent me in the mail a 2.5 page letter apologizing for what happened. Asking for my forgiveness, saying how he wanted to move on from his ex but something prevented him the ability to love and be loved. Went on to say how wonderful, beautiful, smart, etc that I am and very much wanted to me in my life again. That's the letter in a nut shell. So we have spoken and I forgave him of course and we have hung out a few times. When we are together it is like we are dating. We have been intimate, kissing hugging, just like it was before. But when we are not together I feel like it is nothing. We text some and talk about once a week. It is very slow. I let him initiate almost everything to the point where he asked me why he has to contact me first and asked if I was upset. So I have been trying to be better about it. I asked what his intentions were at one point and he said he didn't really know. So I am basically confused. Why would he contact me after all this time to just be friends? I know he was hurt badly in the past and most likely still has feelings for her , so does that make him emotionally unavailable? I did ask him if he could just be my friend and he said Yes, that he really likes me and would still be very attracted to me but would be just my friend. He then said it may be hard for him to see me with another guy. So I don't get it. Not over his ex so he keeps me on the back burner? Scared to get hurt again? Why send me that letter and ask to be in my life ? I do have feelings for him so him coming back into my life has been confusing. What do you think...


Most Helpful Guy

  • it sounds to me like he is not over his ex really...or more he is not fully over the pain of the last relationship. he likes you clearly but isn't fully invested in a relationship as his heart and mind are still pained from the last one. I think the problem for him is that a part of him knows you are a good person for him, he likes you, is attracted to you, etc but another part of him probably has fear and trepidation about getting into another relationship.

    i think for your sake you need to really have a thorough converastion. you need to find out, and verify for yourself if he seems ready for a relationship (not just what he says, but how he says it, his body language).

    I've been in heartbreaking relationships and even months after they ended, while I didn't want to be alone and knew that I was done with my ex, my heart still felt the pain of the relationship and so I knew I wasn't really ready or prepared to give myself to someone else.

    on your end you've got to protect yourself from being hurt by a guy who may not be ready for a relationship, so proceed with caution

    • Thank you for your reply. I think you are probably correct. I appreciate your response. It's just so confusing and part of me wishes he would of left me alone. :/

    • well he is on the rebound and unfortunately people who fall in the path of rebounders are forced to deal with a lot they shouldn't have to

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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 1

  • You deserve to know what he wants, so until he knows, you should have no contact, because to go into this could end up you getting hurt, so just respond that when he knows what he wants to drop you a line, but make it clear you won't be waiting for his decision, this will tell him that you know what you want, so he better make up his mind and fast,x


What Girls Said 1

  • He might just actually want to be friends.


    My ex did almost the exact same thing, right down to the giant, handwritten letter. We ended up talking again and our so-called friendship felt almost exactly like when we were together, except that we don't kiss or anything. But he is very affectionate and cuddly with me, texted me every day, stalked/stalks my Tumblr, talks about emotional things and even gives me gifts. The other day, I put my foot down... he wanted to apologize for the way he behaved towards the end of the relationship, and I told him it made me sad he didn't want to try again now that we were improving. Long story short, he said he had no feelings, and I called BS and stopped messaging him, even when he started pulling out the desperation texts to talk it out. (Suddenly he wants to talk it out!?) I'm anxious because I don't know if I'm messing up by acting this way, even though he's pulled the desperation texts out again. He seems to be doing it every few days, so I'm not really sure.

    Anyway, my point is that he is probably confused. I know my ex is. (He has a ton of baggage he refuses to deal with, and I think it freaks him out that I don't really avoid that stuff at all.) He probably has strong feelings enough where he wants you close, but he's afraid to commit. I think, based on my experience, you shouldn't totally shut him down, but you also shouldn't go running into it either. Play it safe and let him see what he's missing, but don't just hand it out on a silver platter. (Which is the mistake I made until I drew the line with my ex.) Make him work a little bit, and if he really cares, he will make those efforts. But prepare for an emotional roller coaster and something that probably will take a bit of time to unravel.

    • Thank you. It has def. been an emotional roller coaster already. I know he likes me , chemistry is there but it's like he just can't commit or make up his mind. I am not going to wait around for him , but I just wish I knew what he was thinking. He most likely is confused And if you're not over an ex it's not good to start another relationship. I really wish he would of let me be and never wrote me in the first place. :/

    • We are in the same boat. I still very much want to reconcile with my ex, but I realize that can't happen if I keep trying to "help" him, or give as much to him now as I was in the relationship. If you don't want to wait around, then just press forward and don't look back. If you still care about his thoughts, you still care about him. Don't try to figure it out regardless; you'll make yourself nuts.

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