Affair with a married man, how do I fix it?

I have been having an affair with a married over a year and have been on and off with my boyfriend. Which I need to leave both of them for good anyways.So you can say I'm not really in any steady relationship. Spare me the judgement . currently now I am being blackmailed by the married guy. He has over a course helped me financially. Helped not lent. It was nice that he helped but I wanted to pay him back. There was no time frame on when but was going to he didn't want the money back he said it was a gift . If so to give it to charity of something. I haven't told him about my on and off boyfriend. Which I beleive its no concern to him. He has wife yet I knew about in the beginning. He flatly told me that the relationship was going nowhere anyways. I told him about me trying to work things out with my boyfriend. And he flipped out and said that he would tell my boyfriend about the affair and that he would expose me as for using him for money. Which isn't true but I can see people looking at it in a bad way but plus the affair? my boyfriend would kill me . SOme things are better left untold. Id rather break it off without that info surfacing just because he's the jelaous type. He said he didn't care what happened to me that I shouldn't have been playing between two guys. I wasn't . Obvious the married guy was playin me and my boyfriend and I haven't been on terms..we don't even live together. I don't know what to do really. The married guy is even willing to tell his wife and I told him not to. I wasn't worth that. Id ra ther end this toxicity with him and break it off my my boyfriend in a respectful matter with out all of this surfacing. We screwed up fine doesn't mean everyone else needs to pay for it. I don't what to do just sit back and wait for him to do it ? follow his conditions? so he doesn't say anything. the worst that could happen is my boyfriend would get violent with me and he has in the past for being jealous. It may be a long battle.I screwed up yes ..how do I fix it?

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Most Helpful Girl

  • First of all you got the game f***ed up...I can tell you allow people to manipulate you easily. OK you know damn well you had no business messing with a married man period, however if he gave you money, you're really gonna beg this a**hole to allow you to pay him back? Learn when to be an opportunist and when to be noble and moral.

    He's manipulating you. I bet he will never even tell his wife, or if he does he has her so mentally controlled that she won't go anywhere or do anything about it. He probably has control over her just like he does you. If he's so damn trill what do you think he'd do if you randomly showed up at his house one day and his wife saw you? Do you think he'd be upset or welcome it? I doubt he wants his wife to know just as you don't want your boyfriend to know. So don't let him use that to control you. Secondly, just because he says something doesn't mean it will be believed, especially if he paid you in cash. If he told your boyfriend, you could always deny it unless he had evidence.

    If your current boyfriend is violent, they have jails and prisons for people like that. If he does find out, you don't have to sit there and get abused. He can be locked up for even physically threatening you.

    Basically:

    1. Do not pay the married man back. He got the thrill of playing and controlling 2 bitches at once, you got monetary help. You're even, the slate is clean. Move on and save your coins.

    2. Dump your abusive boyfriend. There is a chance that he may find out in the future. That's what happens when you play these kinds of games. You just learned a life lesson. So don't think you can keep dating both guys and it never come out.

    So basically you need to end things with both guys and move on. And try to be single for a while, you have some issues that you should work on before trying to date guys. You allowed yourself to get in this situation so you have some deep reflecting to do..

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What Guys Said 7

  • I'm gonna start off with a question: When he helped you, was it cash? Hopefully yes. If he paid you in cash, there is no record of it that can be traced back to you... So lets hope that it was. Now, here's the sticky part. There is in no way, shape or form that you're getting out of this scott free; It won't happen. At this point it's not about saving face and hurting people because either way it's going to happen. So here's what you do: As I said you can't stop people from getting hurt, but you CAN control who looks like the bigger a*shole. Go to his wife and tell her everything, leaving out the part that you knew about her. Doing this will (in her eyes) make you look like the victim and will discredit everything he says from that point on. This isn't going to help you with your boyfriend but lets face reality, If you were head over heels for your boyfriend, you two wouldn't be off and on and you would be cheating on him. If he finds out he probably won't forgive you, and he's stupid if he does. Just make sure he hears about it from you and not the other guy. It's not the best plan of action but it's probably the only one that will take the heat off of you.

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  • Since Adultery is acceptable behavior to you, I know you will feel blessed and happy when your husband does the same to you. No judgment here. Not anonymous either.

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    • He already has.. and its not acceptable. And no it didn't give me the right to do the same. He(married guy) was my support person when this all went down. As far as the infidelities and drug abuse from my boyfriend . I know I screwed up. Whatever happens I guess I deserve it.

    • Instead, modify your behavior and walk away from this mire. And stop doing it. Don't let your past define or condemn your future.

  • So life taught you a lesson... hopefully.

    Tell your boyfriend you break up, and that it is because you have met a guy a few weeks ago, because you weren't happy with him, but the guy turned out to be a psycho (so this covers the problems if the guy harasses you and your now ex-bf), so that it didn't work out, and that you need time to restart over, alone.

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  • He can't blackmail you. what is he going to do? Tell his wife?

    That's stupid.

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    • if I break it off with him he is basically stating that he's threating to tell everyone about the cash gifts that he has given me to make a lie out of it and say this girl was with me for money. And tell my boyfriend about the affair and his wife is well. I just dumped my boyfriend today anyways. Its not fair to anyone. Its also not fair that he wants to make an a** out of me.

    • He is full of sh*t. Call his bluff.

  • what are you scared of? is a guy who is cheating on his wife really in a position to blackmail someone else with the threat of exposing their affair?

    tell him do his worst and if he tells your boyfriend you'll have no problem telling his wife...additionally you don't want ot be with either of them so what is your fear if your on/off boyfriend found out?

    it seems to me that you invite drama into your life and even when the solutions are easy and you know the path out of the woods you seem to choose to remain stuck in this situation. tell the married dude to eff off and tell the boyfriend, I'm sorry but I don't want to be with you.

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  • The only possible consequence of your actions, outside of losing people in your life, is being arrested for possible prostitution charges.

    So the money needs to be your main focus. You should get organized about all financial help you have received and notate for what exact reason it was received. Keep this organized if he tries to press charges. Also, a good thing to do would be to wear a recording device, and have a conversation with him about the money, where you bring up how you want to pay him back if he felt like it was a loan. Then you will get a recording of him admitting it was a gift because he kinda liked you, and not payment for sexual favors, which is what you will be forced to prove.

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  • I say don't pay him back and break it off with married guy. You've already started by getting rid of abusive boyfriend. Married guy is abusive too! And he is full of crap, he is not going to tell his WIFE that he has been spending THIER marital money on another woman he was sleeping with. I don't buy that for one second. Change your number. And if he threatens you that he is going to tell his own wife, offer to call the wife yourself! "Give me her number, I'll call her and tell her that you had an affair with me and that I will be glad to serve as a witness for wife's divorce lawyer!" What a controlling A-hole. I hate to think how he treats his poor wife!

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What Girls Said 7

  • End it with both of them. If you're afraid of your boyfriend getting violent then obviously don't tell him the truth about why you can't continue to see him, just make up an excuse. And stop seeing the married guy too. Just stop all of this. Nothing good is going to come from your actions if you keep any of this up.

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  • Wow, you certainly got yourself into a mess. There really is no way for you to "fix it". No matter what happens, someone is going to get hurt, unfortunately you can't spare everyone's feelings when you have an affair with a married man while you're dating someone else. I honestly think you should just tell your boyfriend and then break up with him.

    The married guy doesn't seem trustworthy (obviously since he's cheating on his wife with you) so I don't think you should trust him to not tell. Either way, your boyfriend will be hurt but I think it would be MUCH better if he heard it from you instead of the "other man". I also think this other woman deserves to know the kind of man she's married to. Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing if she found out so (hopefully) she will leave him. There is no pretty way for this to end, the best thing you can do is to just get it all over with now rather than dragging out for later. I wish you the best of luck.

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  • Well, you suggested it already: Break it off with the married guy. If you can, pay him back or convince him that you'll pay it in installments (and do that, it's not a nice feeling to be in debt all your life). If he's not up for that at all - does he know where you live? Is he the kind to go after you? If he is, change your number. Then break it off with your boyfriend(as you suggested, I would not tell him about the affair) in a place where he can't do anything (restaurant, park, wherever you're comfortable and there are other people around) and if later, he does bother you in any way after you've told him not to - there are people you can call if you have problems with an abusive (ex)boyfriend and you definitely should if he tries anything.

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  • Hmmm...I think you should just end the affair and call it a day.

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  • Man,the stuff people do.

    #1.Tell the wife.This douche is just manipulating you because he sees that you're vulnerable.You have to be vulnerable sleeping with a married man,and in a relationship with someone who is abusive. He wants his cake,and he wants to eat it too.Maybe that's a bad pun to use right now...

    So tell the wife everything...EVERYTHING.

    #2.Tell your boyfriend you're over it.You don't have to mention the affair because you don't want to get smacked into a wall and have to experience his abusive ways.Be done with the relationship and NEVER go back to it.

    #3.Sit down.Have a cup of tea.Cry...for an hour...or two.

    #4.Google "Therapists" in your area that are affordable.Find one.

    #5.Start weekly therapy sessions to figure out why you are attracted to and STAY with abusive men.Afterall,..."we accept the love we think we deserve".

    #6.Don't let this happen again.Love yourself enough to not put yourself in this situation or anything similiar ever again.

    #7...Good luck!

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  • You should end the affair

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  • you should apologize to everyone and repent

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