Relationship with a divorced woman. Have you been through something like this too?

I've just been through this. Though I did like her and find her a very nice person, one thing that bothered me (maybe I was being childish) was the fact that she had growing kids.

This might be selfish of me, but sometimes I felt as if I needed to compete with the kids for attention! It was them first and then me (which is to be expected). Also, she would have time for me when they weren't around (e.g. weekends). Which made me felt, to put it strongly, a little used.

QUESTION: Guys, have you been through something like this too? How did you cope? Ladies, if you're divorced with kids and in a relationship, how do you share your affections? Curious to know.


Most Helpful Girl

  • I'm single at age 30 with no kids and understand a little where you're coming from. I like kids, but I am worried if I will be able to handle being responsible, at least at times when they're around, for someone else's child(ren). I personally am really independent, so would relish having regular breaks from my partner to just do my own thing ... but I do worry about having kids around that I don't know very well and what my role would be to them if I were to progress in a relationship with a guy with kids.

    However, if you are over 45 ... there should be a growing number of women whose kids are in high school or older and don't need as much attention.

    • Kids don't frighten me as such... I think I've been a fairly good dad. Yeah, but as you say, when they're someone else's kids...

      For a guy and a lady, I guess it works differently. You might feel pressured in managing someone else's kids. For me, it was competing for attention!

      As for "a growing number of women", that really depends on two factors: (i) the number of divorcees in a particular part of the globe (ii) how professional they are, because the more so, they tend to have kids later.

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    • Unfortunately (or fortunately?) we have little or no control over whom we fall for! Depends on so many factors -- above all chance! Anyway, its part of the deal, I guess. I have no regrets for meeting the person I did... the kids were just a minor irritant (or challenge). And I thought I'd ask others for their opinions... Thanks for sharing.

    • Good luck!

Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 2

  • Your not being childish. I have the same problem. My boyfriend has a 10 year old daughter who is very jealous of me. She demands a lot of attention from her dad when I'm around. My boyfriend is a great dad...and I respect him for it. Although, because of her jealousy he has to refrain from showing attention towards me when she's around cause she keeps saying "you love her more than me". My bofriend is younger than I and my children are already grown and have their own families. It is hard to be in a relationship where the child is jealous of me.

    • Thanks for that... I've too been through something similar. My partner's kids would resent time spent together. And she would play the mother's role. I was torn between understanding and feeling their need to be reassured. At the same time, I felt terribly uncertain myself... And if anything went wrong with their behavior , I would also tend to blame myself for somehow "intruding". A tough situation...

  • I think this sounds like it was not a good relationship match. The reason why I say this is because some people do get involved with a family and somehow feel that they belong and fit in with the family because they make themselves a part of the group. If you are acting only as an individual and trying to interact with a woman who has a family but not her kids then you are not a good match for her.

    I also do not like men with kids because it means they have less money. They are spending it on their child support instead of spending it on me.

    Everybody has priorities. I had a mother who put her husband first and treated me and my brother like sh*t. My brother killed himself a few months ago. When she is old I won't be taking her to the grocery store or to doctor appointments, I guess she is going to depend on volunteers to help her when she can't do that stuff for herself. Who knows.

    You should be dating people who hate their children! There are people like this that exist.

    • LOL. I didn't mean to irritate you or touch a raw nerve. I can see though where you're coming from...

      I do realize it was being selfish on my part... and ideally there shouldn't be competition for affections. But then, we often don't have the luxury to decide whom we fall for, and these things often "happen".

      Anyway, my feelings were more at the subconscious level. I did appreciate this lady for who she was and how she otherwise treated me. So... happy memories anyway.

    • ... and am sorry to hear about your brother.

What Guys Said 1

  • I've dated a few women with young children and I don't think I've felt like I had to compete for attention. For one thing I need a lot of attention. For another, I can still interact with and share my life with a women while she is attending to her children. It became part of the relationship for me. As far as getting attention goes, it's no different from getting married and having children of your own. You may argue that it's different because they're not your children, SHE isn't going to see it that way at all. If the kids can't become a big part of your life almost as if they were your children, it probably won't work out in the long run. You're better off dating someone without children.