BF is still bitter about his ex?

I've been seeing this guy for about 2 months, we get along great, I thought we were both really happy. Then all of a sudden the other night, he starts telling me that maybe we should just be friends for now. I asked him why, since this shocked me and came out of nowhere. He told me that he's been different since he broke up with his ex 5 months ago.

I asked him to elaborate. He told me that he had dumped her after dating for 2 years. They had talked about marriage before, but they met online and lived 2 hours away from each other. I guess towards the end he would put everything into the relationship and she didn't put in anything at all and they were fighting a lot. So he dumped her, thinking that if it was meant to be she would try to get him back. But I guess she wasn't even really that upset about being dumped, even though it devastated him.

So he says he's been different, since that happened. Still bitter that he spent 2 years with her, and to her everything meant nothing, when he thought they were each others' worlds. He says that he wants to go back to being who he used to be, before all the drama with his ex and their break-up, and that it isn't fair to me, that he isn't "at his best" even though I don't feel mistreated or anything by him.

I feel like he's stuck obsessing over what has happened in the past and how it changed him, instead of accepting that yes, he has changed, but it doesn't mean that he can't still change for the better in the future.

He said he had been thinking about this a lot for a few days, since his ex texted him, basically gloating about how happy she is, and he feels like he hasn't been good to me, even though I feel like he's been a pretty awesome boyfriend.

I don't know what to do. I really like him. He claims he likes me and that he isn't still in love with his "f*cking b*tch" of an ex. We kept talking and all I got out of it is that somehow he doesn't want to be with me because his ex is a b*tch and changed him? I even specifically asked him if he even knows why he wants to break up, and he said no. He had to go so we ended our convo, but he asked me to give him a day to think.

I really want to help him because he is a great guy, and ideally I don't want to lose him, especially when I might not even understand why exactly it is that he doesn't want to be with me. If he wanted to break up with me because he doesn't like me or because I'm annoying or he met someone else or whatever, OK. But I just don't understand the whole "I don't know" thing that he has going on.

Advice?

Updates:
Well, he said we would finish our conversation today. He said he needed time to think, so he could give me the answers I needed. I have yet to hear from him. He usually gets off work at 9 and is over a little after. But perhaps he thinks I'm not even deserving enough of an explanation. Currently crying.
I'm pretty sure he's just ignoring me and lied when he said we would talk about it later. I hate my f*cking life.
We texted yesterday. He basically said he thought he was ready for another relationship but wasn't, told me again the we should be friends. But I'm in need of a buddy right now, he barely texts me. We got dinner today, he said he was furious about work, and that's why he's acting weird now. But he probably just hates me and that's why he's weird. So yeah. F*ck my life.
Aaaaand we talked today, and he told me that he thinks he's bi. So he didn't quite dump me because he's not ready for a relationship, but because he's kind of confused about who he is...

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Most Helpful Guy

  • he's not over her. it sucks for you because frankly he shouldn't even have gotten involved in another relationship. 2 years is a significant time to be in a relationship and five months may not have and clearly was not enough time for him to get over it all. The fact is you don't want to be with him unless he is 100% over the past relationship. He probably doesn't love her but it is clear that he is jaded by ex's treatment. I've been in his position and you want to move on and clearly he has a lot of respect for you to be honest about it (even if it's a bit late).

    i'd give him some space, explain that you will be patient if necessary but that you like him and don't want to throw away a good thing without giving it a real shot. try to subtley show how you are different from the ex but be prepared for the fact that he may just not be ready...

    if I were you I'd guard your emotions because you are in a vulnerable spot. protect yourself so you don't put yourself in a position to be hurt

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    • Yeah, I mean I told him yesterday that I am not her, and I don't want to just throw away something that I think is so good for some silly reason. And I mean, I'm already upset because I really like him and I have no idea what is actually going on in his head.

    • what's going on is he is still grieving (so to speak) over the last relationship. I was in a relationship that lasted nearly 2yrs and I was seriously thinking marriage. When it ended, it took me months not to be angry and then even longer before I felt like I was mentally in a good place to date someone else. you unfortunately got caught in that wake of grief. I'm sure he likes you he's just not in a place to date

    • @updates... yeah this just seems like a mess.

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What Guys Said 3

  • He's not willing to trust or risk getting hurt again. There's no saying how long it will take for him to work through all that, or even if he think's your the kind of girl that is worth risking getting hurt again for. If he wants to go, let him go...

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    • I'm just confused about the kind of mixed signals. I mean, if he told me that he didn't like me or couldn't see a future for us at all, then I would understand. But I don't want to let him go because he somehow thinks he's a bad person and it's the noble thing to do, especially if he truly does like me. Does that make sense?

    • If his heart is broken, he can't give you what he doesn't have to give. You can try to break down those walls all you want, but until he works through that on his own you're just wasting your time.

  • Let him go. You can't build a bridge with just one side girl, he's gotta be ready and willing or this won't work, no amount of extra tugging on your end will affect him.

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  • Holy hell I feel the same way as him. My relatinship ended in May with a girl I had asked to marry me and had been with for two years. Here is the thing, a break up takes time to get over, especialy one that was that close and personal. I have gone days and weeks thinking I am over her and I can finally move on but then one day I see or hear something that reminds me of her and how I was so close to spending the rest of my life with her I feel like it hurts as bad as the day we brke up. For me going out and meeting other women has helped, but when it doesn't work out how I hoped I go back to my ex and think, was that the closest I am ever going to be to finding someone who I cared enough about that I would even offer to spend my life with her.

    For you just be there for him let him know you want to help him but also let him know that it hurts you as well because you feel close to him.

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    • It does hurt me that she makes him so angry and how he says that he "f*cking hates her". And it hurts that he can sit and say how bitter he is that she didn't fight for their relationship and how different she turned out to be from what he thought she was. I mean, I like him, he says he likes me, and I'm fighting for us, but I don't know if he notices because he's convinced that he has somehow wronged me. We're supposed to talk later and I'm praying things go well.

    • Show All
    • I know just tell him that it hurts that you feel like he doesn't trust you when you tell him you care about him.

    • How is it going? Did you two ever speak?

What Girls Said 1

  • He's not over her and he's not going to admit it either. He doesn't feel right to be in a new rship when his heart is not there. If you keep pushing, you will be the one getting hurt the most. You don;t want to be with a man whose heart is not with you. I know it's painful and unbearable but if its meant to be eventually he'll come back.

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