My fiance's family hate me. What shall I do?

Well, hi everyone. I have a huge problem and I am asking for your help.

My name is Amily, I come from Eastern Europe. I am 22 years old and have been in a relationship with my fiancé for three years. We started dating in October 2010. In July 2011 my boyfriend went to the army and started his compulsory service. He was 400 miles away for 2 years, and I waited for him. In the beginning my relationship with his family was fine. We visited him together and they seemed to like me, with the exception of his elder sister who is extremely jealous of him.

When he came back and we went on with our relationship things became worse. At the same time I was invited to work for a very good company and started earning a lot, so they seemed to be jealous. I helped my fiancé to find work, we do everything together and even applied for immigration to another country together.

His family know that we are very close together and that he loves me more than his life, and they hate it. He always discusses all the important things with me, plans the future as we want and not as they want.

He is only 24, and his sisters are 33 and 40 and unmarried. They don't have their private life, they haven't dated a guy for ages, and they don't even have a sexual partner. Besides, they don't have the type of education I have and they get very low salaries.

His parents are 60 and 63 and they aren't very successful.

In my 22 years I got Bachelor's degree with honor, Master's degree with honor, a good job, am very active, beautiful and successful. And his family just hates me!

I never thought I could dislike my man's family, but they neglect me and detest me, and do their best to make us argue or split.

I am so tired of it, and don't know what to do.

We spoke with my fiancé and he said this is because he loves me so much and I am independent enough not to need their help, so we can live without them and away from them. He is arguing with them about me, and they say they want someone else for their son. He is ashamed of their behavior.

I am sad about it and so is my fiancé. What shall I do?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Take into account two things.

    1) You are marrying your fiancé, not his family.

    2) Your fiancé comes attached with his family.

    So, if you do intend to marry him, your only option is to distance yourselves from his family. You have to talk with your husband-to-be about this issue specifically. If he agrees that his family is being unsupportive, you have to BOTH agree to diminish contact with his family.

    You've already applied to emigrate to a different country - that's a good first step. However, your fiancé will want to visit his family from time to time. You have to discuss what that's going to look like - will you invite them to your place (power position)? Or will you "come home" for the holidays and have to smile and fake being nice to people who are mean to you?

    Try to find out what their problem is. They seem to have been surprised that you were still together after his military service. It's entirely possible that they know you're a good catch, and that they know you will "take" their son away... but the more you know, the more you can work on the problem. Maybe you brag about your career too much? Maybe you have to pretend to be unsuccessful? Maybe they don't like your pink dresses? Who knows?

    The important thing is that you communicate your concerns to your future husband. If he understands that the issue lies with his family and not with you, together you can make a plan to gently cut them out of your life together so that their negativity doesn't affect you moving forward.

    Congratulations on your efforts thus far, I wish you all the best!

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What Guys Said 4

  • it sounds like they are frustrated that you are taking him away from the family (in a sense) they also may be a bit old fashioned and concerned about the gender roles. you being a sucessful educated woman may be a threat to their way of thinking. so it may be a bit of jealousy but also just a bit of concern that the typical roles of relationships aren't what they are used to.

    i imagine when they realize (once you two are together and established perhaps with a family) that your love for their son/brother is really all that matters. His happiness with you is all that matters. And that their jealousy is simply petty.

    I would just keep your distance from the family. Don't flaunt your success (not saying you do) in front of them. Maybe talk to them about the treatment you feel and then explain your feelings for their son and desire to have a good relationship with them.

    but ultimately the love of your fiance is all that matters and if he can see that their behavior is uncalled for you ultimately have nothing to worry about.

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  • They dislike you because you are pulling their son away from them.

    They will have to learn to accept it.

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  • My parents and my sister in law hated my girlfriends, hated my wife. It changed years later when we had a baby.

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  • well it seems to me that they are fairly jealous of yourself, as you are a upgrade from his family and their level. They are probably jealous that you two have a great relationship and that you are successful. However if you two plan on getting married some people say you just don't marry the person you are also marrying their family...so I'd be careful but if you love him and you think he is the one for you then to hell with them

    - However if I were you and plan on being with him for a while I'd consider moving or keeping distance from his family as they will slowly chip away at your relationship with him and your marriage all together.

    - You need to talk to you husband and make a FAIR compromise in which both sides are happy like, we can move to another state or another country, BUT we have to go visit his parents minimum 4-5 times a year...

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