How to get rid of this obsession?

I've come to the realization that I may be obsessed with my ex.

She doesn't deserve it. When she ended it, she lied to me about all her reasons for breaking up with me (I found out later that she'd met someone else). We lived together for about two and a half years, during which she constantly told me what a great guy I was, how different I was from other guys she'd been with, that she couldn't believe how amazing I was. She has a daughter, (eight now, five at the time we met) who I helped raise and who came to be the same as my own blood, which makes it even harder.

After she dusted me and I moved out, she moved this guy in a couple of weeks later, and he's essentially living the life that I built. This severely irritates me.

I want her back. I don't WANT to want her back, but it's like I can't help it. And the more time that passes, the more I want it. I've been working out, trying to get myself in better shape. While I'm working, I fantasize about different ways of accomplishing this. How to do it, what to say, I'll play whole conversations out in my head that I know damn well would never go that way in reality, but I do it anyway.

I want her to regret leaving me. I feel like I'm willing to do almost anything to accomplish this. I don't like feeling this way. And I've tried everything I can think of to move on. I even had a decent new relationship going, and I ended that because I wasn't feeling for her the way I should be, and I didn't want her to get any more emotionally invested in me.

I know this stupid obsession with my ex is to blame, but I don't know how to fix it, apart from to let it play out and do what I can and suffer more disappointment and agony and ruin my life further in the process until that stupid stubborn part of me that can't let go finally gives the f*ck up.

There has to be a better way. There just has to be.


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Most Helpful Girl

  • Hi there,

    Read your story and just thought of something that helped me when I was in your shoes.

    Yes, you should pay more attention to yourself, your body and health. Go out more with your friends, try to have fun, be busier than you generally are.

    Besides, even though it might not feel right at first, date someone and show love and care for her. Her reaction might surprise you and you will want to do more for her.

    When I broke up with my ex, I started dating another guy and it just didn't feel right. Now we have been together for 3 years and are as happy as one can think.

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    THIS IS NOT RELEVANT ANYMORE
    • I really tried to do that, but after three months, I wasn't feeling anything and I could tell she was starting to get seriously emotionally invested. It's possible that with time I might have worked everything out in my head and things would have been great, but it's also possible that I just don't feel that for her. I couldn't bring myself to drag her along for another year while I figure that out.

    • Show All
    • Yeah, I know that. It's part of what's driving me nuts. I don't WANT to feel about her the way that I do. I want it to stop. I'm almost desperate for it to stop. I know that eventually it will, but it's driving me nuts in the meantime.

    • Well, if you DO WANT it, you have to take action. It's impossible to stop it without taking better care of yourself and your time.

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What Girls Said 2

  • she is not worth all the grief, what type mom would bring in a new guy so quickly into her childs home after you being there like a dad..she is making a huge mistake, it can't work out because it was so rushed,and the fact that he moved in with her must mean he didn't have his own place for her to move to..she is tacky and I don't think you are obsessed with wanting her but more upset that you feel like this new guy won..he didn't win anything,he got with someone elses girl , a girl who makes empty promises and exposes her little girl to a stranger.Hope he doesn't molest her daughter,u can't trust just any one

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    • Christ, if that happened and I found out about it, I'd rip his jaw off with a crowbar. I don't even want to think about that.

  • Your situation sounds similar to how a friend of mine felt after her boyfriend broke up with her. She was completely devoted to him, to a point where she put him and the relationship before herself. Her “love” and “satisfaction” came from being the best girlfriend to him even if that meant sacrificing her needs and wants. She thrived on the compliments and affirmations that he gave her. My friend was devastated when her boyfriend ended it, she couldn’t understand why he no longer wanted a relationship with her. He hadn’t met someone else…yet, but he told her that he’d started imagining himself having a life with another woman.

    What I saw as an outsider to their relationship was that she was completely codependent on him. I know that she did genuinely love him, but her happiness revolved around constantly being with him and making sure that he was satisfied.

    I also believe this is a big reason why he ended their relationship. It’s absolutely necessary to spend time with your partner, share experiences, love and bond with each other. But there also needs to be some independence and mystery to keep things exciting and fresh, especially in LTRs. But when you have a partner that is codependent you can start to feel smothered and pressured to reassure your partner that you love them, and guilty when you need your independence.

    Her ex is in no way innocent, he encouraged and reassured her throughout their relationship. Then he waited until his negative feelings built up until he had to end it with her.

    After a few months of grieving her relationship I discussed my thoughts on co-dependence with her. She started to see her ex in a different light; she realized that he wasn’t as amazing as she thought. She had overlooked a lot of his faults because she was blinded by her dependence to him and how his “compliments” made her feel.

    My friend is now building a relationship with a new guy. She was worried, like you, that because she wasn’t infatuated with him immediately that it wasn’t "right". But she took the time to build trust and honesty with him and now she feels like she finally knows what real love is.

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What Guys Said 2

  • I'm almost a year on from my breakup and I can relate to what you feel. I have tried a lot of stuff to no avail.

    What it basically comes down to in all situations with exes. Is that you have to let the thought of her go.

    Only if you truly 'move on' will she start to regret. And that's just such a shame isn't it...

    If you get the chance to meet her again, just be fun around her, not slimeballey or sensitive. Then she will think you have not moved on.

    Wish you luck.

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    • Eh, we still talk on Facebook occasionally (through messages, we're not FB friends), but only about a couple of shared interests and basic bullsh*t. I never discuss our relationship, and I joke with her and keep the conversation light. I know better than to be whiny or clingy. For all she's aware, I HAVE moved on.

      But the problem is that I actually WANT to move on. I don't WANT to want her back. I want to want her out of my life. I don't know how to do that.

    • Oh okay, but you do want to make her regret though "I want her to regret leaving me".

      If you want to truly move on, you should not stimulate 'thinking about her'.

      I guess if you just end contact by telling her you don't want contact anymore, because you want to truly move on. And that you're going to ignore all contacts by her from now on. Will make her feel powerless and probably regretfull. Thus maknig her 'regret it'.

      And at the same time it will accomplish not being reminded of her.

  • I'm so sorry, your story is so similar to mine so I know exactly what your feeling. I'm nearly 3 months into the breakup and I feel similar. From my experience I know for a fact my ex missed me so I can tell you right now that if she told you you were a a great guy before you split, then She's missing you badly. Just because she got a new guy moved in doesn't mean she's over you at all. My ex literally slept with about 8 guys after we split and she was still texting me saying she loved me. So you are missed and there's no point hoping she regrets leaving you because I'd bet my Xbox she Does already.You've handled everything perfectly just keep doing what your doing and find something that will distract you from thinking of your ex. And by the way it's perfectly normal when you meet someone new for it not to feel right, just give it time and it soon will do. Hope I helped.

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