Still not over him cheating. Please, any heartfelt advice?

My boyfriend of 3 years and I seemed the have the perfect relationship, I was madly in love and everything seemed like a bloody fairy tale... Until I found out he had been cheating on my since day one. I was also harassed by the woman he had on the side.

Needless to say, my world was shattered. It took a few attempts to leave him (my weakness made me stay, beside the point) but I eventually left him earlier this spring.

We talked for about a month, then I stopped all contact because I was absolutely torn apart by what he had done to me.

I started dating after giving myself 5 months to cope. (We have been broken up for 6.5 months) Unfortunately, I just can't seem to get over it.

I realize I will probably get some major guff for this, and I feel so ashamed for feeling this way. I just want to move on and be happy.

I really don't know what to do. I am miserable, sad, lonely and everyone just seems to think it's silly that I even think about him after all he did to me.

Please, any heartfelt advice would be much appreciated seeing as my heart is completely broken.


Most Helpful Guy

  • I don't see why people will give you guff. Which part? Over getting cheated? Over leaving? Over being devastated? You didn't do anything wrong. Your reaction is entirely human. It makes sense that you're devastated by what he did. It's the right call to leave. It's a good idea to try and give yourself time to get over the relationship, and good to cut off contact with him.

    Personally I don't think you should let go. It will be a good reminder that the previous relationship you had with this jerk, of three years, was terrible, and you were wronged. It's a reminder that you should never look back. It's a reminder that relationships can sometimes be really bad, so you should cherish a good one. Also, the facts that you left, and eventually found someone, should teach you that you don't need to put up with a bad relationship. That you can always leave, and trade up to something better. Let the fires of this hell temper you, into something strong. Galvanize yourself.

    It's better you don't forget. It's better you remember what came before. Use it as a stick to measure. Use it as a point of comparison. Remember the bad times, cherish the good times, and hope things get better.

    There's nothing wrong with keeping your guard up, after all this, just don't let it rule you. Don't let it make you paranoid. Remember that the guy you're dating now is not the one you dated for those three years. No reason to assume he'll be the same. After all that wouldn't be fair, now would it? Keeping your guard up, at least a little, is fine, so long as you're still willing to let him in, because what you have now will never work unless you extend a certain amount of trust.

    There's not much I can say that can make your world feel alright again. I can only express my sympathy, and hopes that things get better. I can only advise that you try your best to be brave, and carry on. The pain of what happened will grow smaller, the more you distance yourself, and the more time that passes. You can be happy again. You can find a good relationship again. You can get over this. Everything you're feeling can eventually seem much less over time. I can't tell you how to do it though.

    I'm speaking from experience.

    I had this girl I was engaged to. I dated her for about three years. I loved her like nothing else. However, she clearly didn't feel the same way. She cheated on me with at least three people that I know of (or rather three I can prove) and she also had profiles on dating sites looking for casual sex. God only knows how many guys she had on the side. Looking back I wonder how many of the friends I had back then might have hooked up with her. Seriously, she was pretty awful.

    Took me over a year to get over her, to get over what she did to fully trust anyone again. I think I know how you feel. I've been there. But I'm OK now. I just wish I could tell you how to be OK, but I can't, because it's something you gradually figure out

    Sorry, I can't help more. But I do sympathize.

    • How are you doing, now? I mean if you've been struggling with this for three yeas, I can't imagine 10 days would fix it, but did anything that either I or anyone else in this thread help you in any way?

    • Are you alright?

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What Guys Said 1

  • Damn. I'm sorry to hear that. You did not deserve to be treated like that. There are two ways you can deal with this.

    1. Do nothing and hope it resolves. The problem with this approach is that it likely will not resolve and you will turn towards doing the same thing he did with future partners; or worse, you might sleep around with scores of men to "get back" at him.

    2. Realize that this was not your fault and it is a problem that HE owns. It is his issue and nothing you did made him cheat. The best advice I can give you is to go for professional counselling at your college. Once you resolve this issue, you will be a much happier person secure in the fact that you did not cause this and cannot hold yourself responsible for what he did.

    Good luck and I hope this advice helps you move on. Carry no hatred in your heart. Remember what the Dalai Lama said "Harbouring anger towards another is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die".


What Girls Said 3

  • it hasn't been long enough,u were with him 3 years...your heart was in it 150% and he tossed it in the trash,when someone we love dies it takes a long time to grieve and finally heal,this is no different,u need more time to heal.

  • Being cheated on is the worst! It will take a while for you to heal, but I promise you will be okay. When my ex cheated on me I was destroyed. But in the long run, it's best that you found out he's an a**hole now rather than later. You don't want to spend the rest of your life with a cheating coward. Find yourself a man that is honest and fully committed to you. I know it's probably damaged your trust, but just give yourself a little break from dating and focus on yourself. Work out more, take that yoga class you always wanted to try, spend time with friends and family, surround yourself with things and people that make you happy. When you're ready to start dating again take it slow and you will meet the right person. Good luck to you and so sorry you're going through this, I wouldn't wish that pain on anyone but you will be okay!


  • I feel you girl. Keep your head and give the time some time to heal. All the best!


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