Ok, I need some honest advice.
I started dating this guy about three weeks ago. So the relationship is still very very new. Everything seems to be going good except for one thing. He smokes pot.
I don't have an issue with people that smoke pot. What people do on their own time is none of my concern. But I have an issue when it starts affecting others.
My personal history with pot, is that it broke up my family when I was child. My father chose pot over us.
My ex was also a recovering addict, who relapsed towards the end of our relationship. He chose to spend money on pot vs. paying bills.
I've been honest with this new guy from the beginning about how I feel about the pot, and that it makes me uncomfortable, but I don't feel like I can ask him not to smoke it because we aren't really that serious in the relationship yet. I'm just uncomfortable when he smokes it while I'm around. His personality doesn't seem to change and he pays his bills. I'm just nervous that if we get serious I will see history repeat itself.
Am I being irrational about this, or should I stand my ground on the matter.
What would you do in this situation?
Most Helpful Guy
Marijuana is one of the more benign drugs that people use--definitely less destructive and physically addicting than alcohol. However, it is possible to become psychologically addicted to almost anything, so people can still develop a 'dependence' on pot. Also, some people use it to self-medicate--as an escape from some psychological or social problem they may have. I suspect that marijuana, in and of itself, is not to blame for your father deserting your family as many fathers are occasional pot smokers and they don't abandon their responsibilities. There are also many fathers who leave their families and don't smoke pot at all. Of course, I don't know your specific circumstances and I am not trying to contradict what you are saying happened...
Again, in the case of your ex I wonder if marijuana is the main cause or just a part of his overall situation? The classical image of the 'stoner' is someone who sits around all the time getting high and doesn't care about doing anything else. Yes, those people exist but there are also many people who smoke pot occasionally and still are motivated to accomplish things in their lives. The main trap that people fall into is attempting to substitute an intoxicated state of consciousness for their normal state of consciousness on a full-time basis. The immediate reason for this is that they are happier when 'high', so they believe their life will be better if they are 'high' all the time. However, the fundamental problem is that they are unhappy when 'straight'. This could be due to their brain chemistry or some underlying psychological problem. The proper approach is to deal with the primary issue(s), not to seek escape in an altered state of consciousness on a permanent basis...
Clearly, you have had some previous experiences which predispose you to dislike marijuana. But was it the drug, or the people who were using the drug? As for your current boyfriend, does he feel a need to be 'high' all the time? Can he spend time with you while 'straight' and be happy? If not, then I do believe you should be concerned. However, if it is only occasional use (like once per week or only on weekends) then I don't think there is as much cause for concern. The key issue is whether he can still be happy while 'straight'--perhaps when doing a hobby or when he is with you--or whether the only time he can really be happy is when he is 'high'. If it is the latter, then he may have a problem...
As for whether you should "stand your ground," that is a tough question. It may seem like an easy way to determine how important pot is to him compared to you, but at the same time some people really dislike being given an ultimatum. The best approach would be to have a *serious* discussion about the situation. If he's unwilling to do that, then I doubt an ultimatum would work anyway. Good luck...0