I've give a brief history of me and now ex boyfriend. We've been together for close to 4 years. I moved in with his family and have been living with them for a year and a half before our breakup. I was never the controlling bitchy kind of girl and would give him his freedom. I unknowingly closed myself off from friends and family and he became my main focus on our future together and to keep him happy. I gave him my all. He would always be the one breaking up with me and would always come back. Him and I are no longer together and it's been close to a month and every time I try to move forward, he always finds a way to make me feel guilty of doing things on my own like going out with my friends, flirting with guys when I'm single, even getting tattoos which he knows I like getting. What's crazy about this whole situation is that deep down I knew things would never work out between us because he was too focused on himself and always put our relationship second and never put a balance in the relationship and would always give 60 to my 100. Every time he would break up with me it was always the same excuse- "I want to do things on my own I want to see what's out there. I don't want to feel obligated to you or feel tied down". Whenever I let go, he always comes back and makes me feel guilty for doing me when we weren't together. I know things between him and I will never work unless he REALLY changes and shows me he's in it 300%. Every time he comes back he make the effort he said he would, but would then take 4 steps back to where we started on working on the relationship, making it worse because at that point, it's all about him and I feel like he doesn't care about what hurts me or how I feel about things. Majority of the times I would stay quiet to avoid the fights with him, but when I don't and argue back, it's explosive and he always threatened to leave and I would never want that. I was in it through thick and thin and still want things to work out.
I saw the signs of him wanting to break it off but I was in too deep and did not want to face reality that the person I envisioned to marry, start a family with, spend my life with didn't want the same. He would say he wants the same thing I do but not now. This isn't the first time he tells me this.
Even though my mind tells me it's not going to work, my heart simply just won't accept it. I'm trying to do the no contact thing but I always find myself glaring at my phone hoping for a text, call, email, ANYTHING. At times I would give in and send a friendly text like hope everything is OK and I love and miss you.
Sometimes he responds and sometimes he doesn't which just make me feel even more stupid for giving in.
I need advise on how to face this conflict head on and learn who to move forward.