Should I let him move back in?

I'll try to keep this short. I was dating my ex for just over two years, living with him for 8 months of that. The reason he moved in was because he was running out of money and his mom had to move back in with him. I was never truly comfortable with the moving in and after 8 months finally broke it off. He was busy helping his mom with something at first but then fell into a depression, drank a lot, stopped helping around the house and barely contributed financially.

I broke it off and did everything I could to help him and make it easier for him ( Giving him 5 weeks to move out, paid his rent once, still hung out and cuddled when he was lonely) It's now been 5 months. We're still talking and friendly but it's also been a lot of up and down. I was extremely busy with work the past few months and some days he was supportive and helpful and loving telling me he'd give me the time I needed to think things out; then 2 days later I would get the " I'm not worthy, you abandoned me, my patience is running out" type of emotional text novels.

We both still love each other and I still want him in my life as a friend. We've even managed to talk through a few of our issues. We've also admitted that neither of us fully committed before ( because of my trust issues and his cheating and insecurity)

So here's the problem. I'm willing to try dating again and see what happens from there, at the very least, maintain the great friendship we have. He wants to move back in or cut all ties completely. To him, moving back in means that we're fully committed to making things work and it means a lot to him. I'm not ready to move back in together as I like my space and bit of freedom from having my own place and think we can still be in a serious committed relationship while not living together. I'm also afraid that we're going to fall back into old patterns again as he's still not working and would have to sell everything and move in with his mom if he doesn't move in with me.

I also slipped the other day and slept with him ( first time since the break). To me, it was a good bye, to him it was a sign that we're getting back together.

I'm feeling stuck because he says I just want things on my terms and that's not fair but if I don't go with his terms ( moving in) I lose him completely. Is there any middle ground here? Should I let him move back in? Any help or perspective would be appreciated

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  • I'm always suspicious of a guy who claims that his motivations are pure if it benefits him and then claim other people's motives are impure if it doesn't benefit him. In this case, the all or nothing scenario suggests that you are really not worth the relationship if he doesn't get housing out of it. Given your past experience, it seems likely that the problems you had before would repeat. Thus his conditions don't benefit you whatsoever. It's hard to trust his motives when he wants to give up everything and he offers absolutely nothing in return except his presence. I think you can gather how I feel about this offer.

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    • Thank you for your answer. I've been talking and crying with my ex since last night. He's offering to work on things and his love, support, taking care of me if he moves back in. I'm just not ready for that. He says he's compromised a lot for me ( no kids, no marriage, I'll always earn more) and I can't compromise on the one thing he wants, moving back in. Feeling like I'm being selfish to just want to date and/or be friends. Thanks for the perspective talloak

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    • He has actually done a lot to make my life better ( cooked,cleaned and supported me when I was down). It really is over now. I made the hard decision, we cried and he spent the night. I think he really thought I'd just tell him to move back in. He got mad when I didn't and said "All women are the same and just want money" ( I took on the financial burden for most of our relationship) And then he stormed off. I still love him though and this really hurts. Why isn't being friends enough?

    • I bet that he considers himself unselfish because he has a need and filling that need is not being selfish. And yet, it doesn't occur to him to want to be with you if you can't fill that need, as if that's all you mean to him. This suggests to me that he might not even know how much he intends to use you. In any case, his desire does not obligate you and he has no right to try to obligate you against your better judgment. I'm sorry that even friendship is not an option.

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