How would you feel if a woman said that she felt you'd never appreciate her?

I'm just tired. I've been there for him for two months. It's been a roller-coaster ride of helping him cope with the PTSD and fear he has of everyone now and the intense feelings he has about his abusive ex. I've been there the whole way, as I was too in an abusive relationship, even talking him out of suicide. I've treated him the way a real and good woman treats a man. And, he's played hot and cold with my emotions for a while now.. He initiated wanting more, so it wasn't me. But, every time we get closer, he pulls away...hard. Then, he told me he really liked me, despite his predicament, while drunk the other night and that he really wanted to get closer, but didn't want to be drunk when it happened. But, he refuses to get close to me and let me in, in person, as he told me he's afraid. But, I know he got close to several women before me. I finally asked him why he had no problem getting close to those other women after his breakup...who eventually used him and left him, but he couldn't find it in himself to get close to me, someone who cares about him, refuses to treat him bad, and has stuck by his side through everything? He responded with a "Cause you got here after I was hurt". And, when I say closer, I mean slowly and not full speed ahead and he knows this.

Being tired of walking on eggshells with him, I decided to be honest, as I've come to a feeling of acceptance and calmness about it. This is what I said: That's not true. I know that you were with other females after her. And, I know that you're still looking. I've just come to realize and accept that you will never appreciate me as a good woman, nor what I have done for you. That's why I'm your friend. But, this isn't about me. This is about you and your recovery. I'm not trying to start anything. I just wanted an answer and I got it."

He didn't answer. And, that was at 9:35 this morning. I'm not letting it bother me, but I think it's pretty sh*tty for not responding on his part. I guess he's showing me that it's true. Did I hurt his feelings? Make him realize that I know that he doesn't appreciate me? Why is he avoiding me after all we've been through? I just wish he would communicate.


Most Helpful Guy

  • It is one thing to say he doesn't appreciate you, but you said he will never appreciate you. What is the point in talking to you, if there is no hope for the future? If he can't turn things around slowly he certainly can't do it fast enough to change your mind. It almost sounds like you already dumped him, or are very close to it. He may feel bad, or he may feel like you are being unfair. Either way I don't see what he has to add to the conversation at this point if you have already made up your mind that he will never change.

    • The amount of hurt I have received from him might have fueled the "never". He's gotten close to women who don't care about him in the last 5 months since his breakup, but he can't get close to someone who cares about him like I do? It hurts more than you know. I didn't dump him. I was letting him know that he's been hurting me by playing with my emotions, only for me to find out that he's looking for a woman, when here I am, a good one, and all that we've been through...

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    • and I was upset that after all I've done and all the feelings that have developed for him - and the feelings I thought he had - he can't get close to me? I was just hurt in the moment. I feel so bad now, but I know he's in the wrong too. Should I let it go, or say something? I've been trying to not say anything because he's fragile, but he's toyed with me so much that I had to say something.

    • We aren't technically together, as we started out friends at his wish, then moved to more because he initiated it, then he's going hot and cold on me weekly. I didn't dump him. I was saying that I felt he will never appreciate me and that's why he lied by saying that he won't get close to me because he's hurt when he's let other girls in since his breakup. His answer just really made me feel unappreciated and lied to. I just want to know why he can't let me in.

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What Guys Said 10

  • PTSD is a hard thing to grasp. I haven't had any forms of it myself, but a friend of mine kinda does. I'm sorry to say, but it takes more than two months sometimes to get over situations, bad breakups, etc. You've said you've been there for him for two months? How long where you out of a relationship, before you got with him? And what about himself? How long was he out of a relationship, before he met you?

    • I had it. I'm pretty sure he has it and doesn't know it. Relationship trauma can definitely bring it on and it's horrible. He's been single for 5 months. I've been single for a year and a half. I met him about a month ago. It's a long story. We were just friends and I was helping him. He initiated more. Then continues to go hot/cold on me while I know he's searching for "the one". I'm a good woman who has been there for him at 4am, talked him out of suicide, made him get well baskets...

    • and been there for him. He actually admitted that I had helped him more than anyone. But, he continues to shut me out and it hurts me because I know I can help him and that I would never hurt him, yet he continues to hurt me because I know he let a lot of females in after they broke up. Why am I so different? I actually care about him, unlike the ones that used him! It's so frustrating and heartbreaking. I just wish he would see that I really care and won't hurt him. It hurts every time he...

    • backs away and makes me feel inadequate to helping him, when I'm giving everything I've got to help him. I think I was just really hurt by the fact that he won't let me in, but I know he's let others in since the breakup. I feels so bad now. I don't know what to do. I didn't mean to hurt him. He just don't realize how he's hurting me. :(

  • The comment "Cause you got here after I was hurt". speaks volumes

    he's a damaged soul. betwen the ptsd, depression, suicidal thoughts, and bad previous relationships he is probably not really ready for a relationship.

    I'm not going to excuse his lack of appreciation but it seems to me that you need to realize what he is and where he's at. For example, it took me years to get over a bad relationship and feel like I could fairly give a girl what she needed in a relationship... and I wasn't depressed, suicidal or dealing with ptsd.

    Again if he wants to be in a relationship he needs to do better but just the same you need to realize that he may not be able to give you what you want and deserve at this time as he doesn't seem emotionally ready to really commit to and participate in a relationship

    • It doesn't say much to me, when I know he was seeing and talking to other women in the last few months and it was "magical", but he got hurt once again because he went for the wrong kind of woman. I've refused to order him around, been there for him at 4am on the phone when the walls were closing in, made him a get-well basket when he was sick, offered to drive him to he hospital. I've been there and he won't get close to me. The good one. I know. I was in a bad relationship myself. It's hard...

    • I remember how scary it was. But, I had no one. I wish I would've had someone to understand and someone who wanted to wipe my tears, and he has that, but he won't let me in and I know he's wishing he could find a girl, when he plays with my emotions and won't even get close to me after all we've been through. It really hurts. More than you know. I know he's not. He won't even get close to me in person, but has been with girls who don't care about him? I could help him, but he shuts me out.

    • well like I said he seems a bit too emotionally damaged at this point for a solid relationship. It seems to me that with his emotional state being in such turmoil something that is consistent and stable doesn't really seem to be what he is capable of enjoying or appreciating.

  • If I'm honest it would never happen to me... mainly because that part of me is probably the best selling point I have. I really appreciate the girls I've dated, even now I still talk about them favourably as opposed to instantly saying they're all sluts or bitches like many guys and even girls do. So yes if a girl told me that it would get to me, although if I had his attitude I'd deserve it. Although most people with that outlook will still think they've done nothing wrong, I know a few guys, but one in particular who does things like that and he truly believes what he does isn't wrong. Even though he isn't going to convince me or his other half of that, funnily enough he's in and out of relationships constantly.

    • You're one of the only ones that didn't try to take his side. I see where we're both at fault here, but a woman can only take so much hurt and disregard before she has to say something. I think the icing on the cake was thinking about how he let a bunch of bad women in and he can't get close to me. That really hurt. But, now, I feel bad. And, I don't know what to do...should I leave him alone to sort through his thoughts and drink, or see if he texts me?

  • "That's why I'm your friend. But, this isn't about me. This is about you and your recovery. I'm not trying to start anything. I just wanted an answer and I got it."

    This f***ed it all up. You shouldn't have said that. Never drop the F word on a guy that likes you that you like as well. If I were him I wouldn't have responded either.

    Also, in life, you help people because you WANT to help them, whether you get anything in return or not, get appreciated for it or not. The true character of a person is what he does for others that can't do anything for him.

    Also, keep in mind this guy is straight up baggage, if you can handle that baggage in your life, go for it.

    • He wanted to be friends first, then he initiated wanting more, only to go hot and cold on me weekly. No, it didn't f*** it up. He said friends first, but fluctuates between wanting to cuddle, to sabotaging our plans because he's scared, to not even talking to me.

      I know you think I'm horrible from what you wrote, but I DO WANT TO HELP HIM. Why do you think I've tolerated him hurting me by toying with my emotions for so long now? I've been hurt and hurt and hurt and just took it without...

    • saying anything because I know he's fragile. You can only take so much hurt without letting the person know that they're upseting you.

      I know he's baggage. I have my own. But, I believe everyone has a change to overcome it.

  • And you say if a woman Said that you (Boyfriend) Would never appreciate her That doesn't seem to go along with your question discription

    • I didn't say anything about a boyfriend. You implied that. We're stuck in that limbo of friends/more than friends/super complicated.

    • Just make him your boyfriend already and take my advise or dump him that is my opinion sorry but that's just what I think

  • It's only 2pm EST. He probably needs time to process.

    • I don't think he'll text me back. I'm afraid I've hurt his feelings. I know he's drinking now though.

  • Tell him to grow up I feel bad for you babe

  • I think there should be less talk and more rokk

  • I personally wouldn't tolerate a woman abusing me I would just tell her to f*** off or rot in hell or just leave me alone for ever

    • I don't hold grudges twards or worry about bad women who I've dated I'm not saying that I have or have never. Your boyfriend is not me we are totally different beings. I don't know how it could work for him if I were you I would just tell him. I'm not your abuser or tormentor underfoot and I'm here for you whenever you need me. And I would appreciate it if you would stop whining and complaining All the time about how you think I would never love That's what you should tell him

    • His ex really abused him. LIKE REALLY. He's just a sweet guy who met the absolute worst girl.

    • I think I can imagine what that might be like but I would think that she would Have spent time in prison before meeting him. Just tell him that she was a one in a million bad b**ch and that he will never meet some one like that again

  • It wouldn't happen to me. I would make sure I showed my woman I appreciated her. I'm not in a relationship though lol.


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