So me and my girl have been together for 8 wonderful years. last November I proposed to her and she said yes! She never lived with me full time until this past year. It seemed that things were great. Every time we'd talk about the wedding ( which was scheduled for March 2014) she would get so excited. She would always tell me that she's so excited to marry me. She was always happy. Now my job requires me to work some crazy hours but I always made sure I made time for her. And when I would work late I would always encourage her to hang out with friends so she wasn't home alone. Now, on occasion in the past few months, she'd sit down and tell me something was bothering her. It was usually that she wanted more affection and attention from me. So I would make an effort to provide her with that affection and she always seemed very happy, like everything was great. She was happy to see me come home, sad when I would work late and wasn't home. She would tell me she misses me when I was gone. So it seemed whatever I was doing was working until the next time she sat me down to talk about what's bothering her. And than it would all go back to being great again after talk. Everything seemed great. She would talk about the wedding to anyone that would listen, she'd tell my friends how much she loves me.
Now, I'm not a big drinker, and very rarely get drunk. And when I am drunk, I'm the happiest person in the world. WeIl a couple of Saturday's ago, we went out to this event, and I got sh*t faced. And apparently on the drive home I questioned her loyalty to me and told her I'd kill her if I found out she ever cheated on me. Well I didn't find out until the next morning that this happened, I don't remember a thing. When she told me Sunday morning, I was disgusted with myself. I was embarrassed, and just couldn't believe I could act that way. I apologized several times and told her there was no excuse for my behavior. we both agreed that it was out of character for me. But she said I couldn't un-say the things I said and she needed time to process everything. Well, that Monday she left me. She told me that it wasn't just what happened Saturday night, but that she's been unhappy for sometime. And she told me every time she tell me things were bothering her, I wouldn't do anything to fix it. She says her mind is made up and there is nothing I could do to change it. And she told me to give her space. Now in the past week she has expressed a lot of emotions. she's told me that she misses me so much it hurts, she's said she still loves me, she's miserable, can't eat, sleep, or work. But every time it comes up she says her heart is telling her the marriage won't work. There is a lot more to type but I am running out of characters. So I guess my question is, what am I supposed to do? I want her in my life and I want to marry her. Her feelings are obviousky still very strong for me but she swears this is what her heart is saying to do.
Most Helpful Guy
Wow, this is hardcore.
I've been married and divorced and in love and lost in depression, so I really feel for your situation.
Obviously you can't undo or unsay the crazy sh*t you said, or did. So learn from that, and forgive yourself. And maybe watch how much you drink in the future if the drunk version of you is f***ing crazy? Seriously, that's bad.
Moving forward... you have two options. You can sulk and wait, or you can repair, heal, and grow.
Option two has many benefits... you'll feel better and the odds are good she'll come around. And even if she doesn't you'll have done all the hard work required to move on.
Relationships tend to have two main stages... Attraction and Rapport.
Stage one is about superficial attraction and lust and fun. It's playful and you can do all kinds of things to screw it up without her blinking an eye if she's attracted to you.
Stage two is more about rapport and trust and comfort... this is the stage that leads to marriage and kids and long term commitment.
The problem with your situation was that you weren't providing her the comfort and trust she needed. She's missing you and upset because she WANTS to be with you, but can't trust you.
Part of the issue is your drunken self sounds dangerous and untrustworthy. I mean, that's a serious problem.
Part of the problem is likely that she is a little high maintenance naturally and NEEDS a boyfriend who's willing to nurture her more than usual. Hence her complaints that you're not around enough.
Personally I'm not a fan of changing your career direction in order to pamper a girlfriend's extraneous relationship needs. Perhaps she needs to grow her social circle or perhaps her family relationships in order to not be bored/lonely when you're working late.
But, you can never expect her to change, cause she won't. She needs what she needs. And most likely she needs a different boyfriend. This isn't a knock on you, it's a realty.
Life is full of harsh truths, and I really think one truth is that relationships change with time and we have to accept that nothing is forever, and many relationships are meant to come and go. It sucks but growth takes pain and suffering sometimes.
I left a marriage in my past and it was the hardest thing I ever did because I loved her and hated hurting her, but being together left me unsatisfied.
If your ex needs what she needs and it's your role as a MAN to accept that and give her the space she really needs.
You should work on YOU now. You are the only one responsible for YOU! So take care of yourself moving forward. Reconnect with close friends and family in order to help you heal and feel connected... don't disconnect because you'll only grow lonely and weak and likely to make poor choices.
Good luck and let us know how it goes. :)