My fiance left me after 8 years of being together.

So me and my girl have been together for 8 wonderful years. last November I proposed to her and she said yes! She never lived with me full time until this past year. It seemed that things were great. Every time we'd talk about the wedding ( which was scheduled for March 2014) she would get so excited. She would always tell me that she's so excited to marry me. She was always happy. Now my job requires me to work some crazy hours but I always made sure I made time for her. And when I would work late I would always encourage her to hang out with friends so she wasn't home alone. Now, on occasion in the past few months, she'd sit down and tell me something was bothering her. It was usually that she wanted more affection and attention from me. So I would make an effort to provide her with that affection and she always seemed very happy, like everything was great. She was happy to see me come home, sad when I would work late and wasn't home. She would tell me she misses me when I was gone. So it seemed whatever I was doing was working until the next time she sat me down to talk about what's bothering her. And than it would all go back to being great again after talk. Everything seemed great. She would talk about the wedding to anyone that would listen, she'd tell my friends how much she loves me.

Now, I'm not a big drinker, and very rarely get drunk. And when I am drunk, I'm the happiest person in the world. WeIl a couple of Saturday's ago, we went out to this event, and I got sh*t faced. And apparently on the drive home I questioned her loyalty to me and told her I'd kill her if I found out she ever cheated on me. Well I didn't find out until the next morning that this happened, I don't remember a thing. When she told me Sunday morning, I was disgusted with myself. I was embarrassed, and just couldn't believe I could act that way. I apologized several times and told her there was no excuse for my behavior. we both agreed that it was out of character for me. But she said I couldn't un-say the things I said and she needed time to process everything. Well, that Monday she left me. She told me that it wasn't just what happened Saturday night, but that she's been unhappy for sometime. And she told me every time she tell me things were bothering her, I wouldn't do anything to fix it. She says her mind is made up and there is nothing I could do to change it. And she told me to give her space. Now in the past week she has expressed a lot of emotions. she's told me that she misses me so much it hurts, she's said she still loves me, she's miserable, can't eat, sleep, or work. But every time it comes up she says her heart is telling her the marriage won't work. There is a lot more to type but I am running out of characters. So I guess my question is, what am I supposed to do? I want her in my life and I want to marry her. Her feelings are obviousky still very strong for me but she swears this is what her heart is saying to do.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Wow, this is hardcore.

    I've been married and divorced and in love and lost in depression, so I really feel for your situation.

    Obviously you can't undo or unsay the crazy sh*t you said, or did. So learn from that, and forgive yourself. And maybe watch how much you drink in the future if the drunk version of you is f***ing crazy? Seriously, that's bad.

    Moving forward... you have two options. You can sulk and wait, or you can repair, heal, and grow.

    Option two has many benefits... you'll feel better and the odds are good she'll come around. And even if she doesn't you'll have done all the hard work required to move on.

    Relationships tend to have two main stages... Attraction and Rapport.

    Stage one is about superficial attraction and lust and fun. It's playful and you can do all kinds of things to screw it up without her blinking an eye if she's attracted to you.

    Stage two is more about rapport and trust and comfort... this is the stage that leads to marriage and kids and long term commitment.

    The problem with your situation was that you weren't providing her the comfort and trust she needed. She's missing you and upset because she WANTS to be with you, but can't trust you.

    Part of the issue is your drunken self sounds dangerous and untrustworthy. I mean, that's a serious problem.

    Part of the problem is likely that she is a little high maintenance naturally and NEEDS a boyfriend who's willing to nurture her more than usual. Hence her complaints that you're not around enough.

    Personally I'm not a fan of changing your career direction in order to pamper a girlfriend's extraneous relationship needs. Perhaps she needs to grow her social circle or perhaps her family relationships in order to not be bored/lonely when you're working late.

    But, you can never expect her to change, cause she won't. She needs what she needs. And most likely she needs a different boyfriend. This isn't a knock on you, it's a realty.

    Life is full of harsh truths, and I really think one truth is that relationships change with time and we have to accept that nothing is forever, and many relationships are meant to come and go. It sucks but growth takes pain and suffering sometimes.

    I left a marriage in my past and it was the hardest thing I ever did because I loved her and hated hurting her, but being together left me unsatisfied.

    If your ex needs what she needs and it's your role as a MAN to accept that and give her the space she really needs.

    You should work on YOU now. You are the only one responsible for YOU! So take care of yourself moving forward. Reconnect with close friends and family in order to help you heal and feel connected... don't disconnect because you'll only grow lonely and weak and likely to make poor choices.

    Good luck and let us know how it goes. :)

    ~ Robby

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    • thank you for you reply. one thing I'd like to make sure everyone knows however is that I've NEVER displayed that kind of behavior before. that was a one time thing. when I'm intoxicated, I'm happy, easy going,I want everyone to have a good time. And she agreed that it was out of character for me. So a one time moment of weakness has ended things, it just doesn't add up

    • You're likely right... that comment was just the last straw in a failing relationship it seems. Your frustration now might be that you didn't see how bad things had gotten for her and so now you're angry and confused... and it's easy to blame her for not being more clear and open and patient.

      But there might not be anyone to blame... sometimes people move apart without noticing until it's too late.

      It's like a death... it takes time to accept and to get past.

      Good luck. :(

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What Girls Said 1

  • Hmm okay so I don't mean to be offensive with anything I say but I probably will. Anyway

    The whole drunk thing I believe that you drink and act like your regular personality. When I drink I'm pretty crazy but still classy and very happy. (also have a mouth of a sailor not the point though) I stick with that I have never said or did something mean when drunk.. Are you SURE you really said that? it seems like that isn't something you would say which makes me think could she have just said that too use it as a crutch to cut things off? Also what you said really isn't that bad? I mean okay its not gonna suduce her or anything but if that's what you said I mean what SO doesn't think that when they are with someone lol.I think maybe she just had a dream and she is cheating and it got to her head and she is imagining it..the working late thing? Cry me a river sorry. She needs to learn to take care of herself she is a big girl. My So is in the Armed forces so I have been through 2 deployments and a lot of times he works late and works 24 hour shifts. you can't rely on people to always be there to make you happy. I think she needs time to find herself honestly. Yes I understand that she wants you around but you have your whole life to do that and sometimes its just not a reality. She has to understand that your career is also important. I always tell myself when I'm missing him that this is for our future and it makes him happy that's all that matters. Relationships as you know are give and take it seems like she is just taking and wanting more and more. like I said I know its hard but she seems to have it pretty good. you are doing NOTHING wrong by working late and making a career her job is to support that 100 percent as you are to support her. when it comes to the calling and saying she loves and misses you she is playing a game with your head. she probably does love and miss you but not enough to give you a chance to work it out together it seems its always about her the fact that you have to keep re assuring her is ridiculous! I'm assuming you are not 16 year old kids. she needs to be confident in the relationship. the game I think she is playing is she doesn't want to be with you right now because you are not doing exactly what she wants but she doesn't wan to risk you getting over her and finding someone else... I understand you have been together a long time and you love her it just seems like she wants to change you and make you exactly what she has imagines she should have. She shouldn't be constantly sitting you down to tell you what you are doing wrong. The I have not been happy in a long time is a bs lie sorry if she was unhappy and didn't make it obvious she obviously wasn't that unhappy. Was she waiting for you too mess up? Just think about if you want to be with someone who is trying to turn you into something you or not. if she is unhappy now hoow do you think it would be when you have kids or somehting and you have too work late. Good luck!

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What Guys Said 2

  • I don't know man. LIke this doesn't seem like such a big thing for someone to get over. aka you saying you will kill her if she ever cheated. Like its actually a very small thing. I think she might actually be seeing someone, and now that you have voiced that, she has gotten the hibby jibbys about getting caught. And is actually running for the hills, and is using this "my heart" is telling me its not gonna work thing as an excuse. But yet why has it worked for the past 8 years then you should say to her.

    I think she is just using this an an excuse to push you away.

    Another thing, if she misses you so much, and texts you and emails you all those things, then you should tell her to come see you, and stop acting like this. If she makes plans with you, and then flops, well I'm sorry to say, but she is for sure just playing around for you.

    I had a friend in this situation before, and it didn't end well. Sorry to say.

    I hope yours ends a lot better.

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    • I honestly don't believe she's actually cheating. She is a pure, genuine person. She would never do something like that. why I said those things? I have no idea. And I've tried to train with her. we both were very much in favor of premarital counseling, but neither of us took the initiative to make arrangements. And I suggest counseling to her now, but she just says no

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    • I agree with you, she is doing this to herself. but my actions and or lack of actions influenced this decision of hers. And no contact for a couple of months? doesn't that seem long. if she's also trying to find herself and find a way to stand on her own two feet, wouldn't a couple months be to much time. she'll just be fighting her urges for that long just to prove something to herself

    • I don't know. Her reasoning in general for this make no sense... Normally a 19 year old would pull something like this. I'm guessing she's around your age? aka between 25-29 like your profile says?. Normally woman older then 25 know what's going on and know what they want in life.

      Let her do what she has to do, and if she comes back she comes back, if she doesn't she doesn't and you have to forget her.

  • You both still love each other. Your asking us what to do but I think you should direct that question towards her.

    Is it too much trouble to put marriage off the table for now? Maybe she just isn't ready yet. I'd try talking to her and finding out what she wants with your relationship and act on it. I'm not saying you should completely change or anything but maybe you've been showing her affection in the wrong way. Maybe that wasn't what she was talking about. But these are things I don't know, you have to know and only she knows. So talk about what you can do to get back together. What she pictures your future is like when you do and decide if that's something you can live with or not. And listen very carefully to what she has to say, this might be your only chance to make up.

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    • I've asked her what I can do and she keeps saying nothing. And she asked for space and I gave it to her, yet she contacts me all the time to tell me how bad she's doing, how upset she is, how guilty she feels, how much she misses, etc. but won't give me another chance

    • Tell her she needs to take her space as well, for at least a month. Ignore her for that period as well (maybe mention you will to avoid misunderstandings).

    • I've told her those things, and I have ignored her. when I ignored her, that's when she would pour her heart out to me through email. but in the end still says it won't work

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