Is this the end? What happened?

My boyfriend and I were together for almost 4 years and my guy and I had plans to marry, he had always said I was the one and we were ring shopping . He has a sweet innocent genuine but EXTREMELY influenceable personality. We have had a very loving fun and balanced relationship. I am a nurse and had told him the only way we could be together was if he got an education. Within our first year, he cheated while blacked out drunk but then he completely changed his life for me.. he started school, quit drinking, suit smoking etc and said he was so happy because of it.

About 3 months ago I set him up with another guy friend so he could have someone to hang with. BAD idea. this guy has a very confident and logical way of thinking but no emotions.. he thinks he knows our relationship and thinks it should be a certain way. This guy changed my bf.. he became a douche, more unreachable and was spending DAYS at a time at his house (they were only hanging out there nothing sketch) let me add, there literally was no other girl in this equation.. just him and his friend.

Anyways, my guy started failing school and I thought it was really weird that he spent days at a time there.. I tried to talk to him and he would understand but would go back to old ways.

I became so afraid of my loss that I became controlling, angry, and I started to text another guy to fill the void. He found out but we moved passed it. we were good for a few weeks and had made a compromise that he should only stay there no longer than 2 days. Eventually he stayed at his friends house for 5 days and nights and I yelled at him(first time ever). He gave me the silent treatment (which he never Did) and two days later he came over and aggressively broke up with me saying I took him for granted and that I lied.

I am SO CONFUSED! will he come back? How long will it take his anger to fade? Can I redeem this? should I redeem this? And will he ever notice his friend isn't helping the relationship? What went wrong and what should item? Was I being to controlling about only staying there for 2 days? please help!

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Hummmmmmmmmmmmm sounds lke a bromance which is EXTRA annoying and its always the guy with the weak personality following the guy with the stronger personality -- hummmmm this will drive you INSANE cause RIGHT he will spend HOURS with this guy and NOT U... do they drink or something what is the draw to the other guy? Could be also since your guy is so easily lead that he LOVES hanging out with the COOL GUY -- either way there is NOTHING you can do but deal with it - I PREFER my boyfriend to be a loner cause RIGHT They will hang with the guy and that guy will make him feel like a loser if your boyfriend RATHER be with u... so he would bully him to staying with the guy vs the girl friend.. Sorry this is an age old problem - the BROMANCE and it SUCKS for the girl... I have to deal with that for the past 3-4 years with my boyfriend and its extremely annoying.. But I have the same friends so I CAN go hang out there also but its lame to me - I rather be with my boyfriend ALONE>.. LOL - Good luck but NOTHING you can do about THIS... Hopefully he will come back to you but be easy with him let HIM figure that out! IF you are in his subconscious mind he will be BACK to u!

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    • Thanks for replying! They literally just sit in the basement and do nothing. No drinking or anything except the guy does give him adderall. Why do you think he broke up so brutally

    • U never know the new male friend may have TOLD him to do it - I am guessing that guy has NO girlfriend? That's usually how it works he has the dominate personality NEEDS A friend - I had the guy I was seeing tell ME his FRIEND told him to tell ME if I did not do what he said (buy him 150.00 nikes) that he should stop seeing me - and LOL when he told me his FRIEND told HIM that I was liek are you KIDDING! ITs about control - but if they are taking adderall THAT is not good you might wnt to move on.

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What Guys Said 2

  • Ok, your main problem is that it sounds like you hooked up with and tried to change a guy who was fine with himself to begin with. I'm going to be really blunt here because there's no way to really tip-toe around this and I think you need to hear it.

    Before he met you, he probably had no desire to get an education and he was going to keep drinking and smoking till the day he dies because HE ENJOYS IT. He was fine with the way his life was going. He only changed because you wanted him to.

    I know you've watched 50 million chick flicks where the main character changes her man for the better and then they live happily ever after... but real life isn't like that. You can't change someone to what you think they should be and it's morally wrong for you to try. You read that right. It's morally wrong to change who a person is. Who gave you the authority on what's right and wrong for any given person? Did you ever stop to think that maybe he was fine with himself before you came into the picture? How would you feel if someone came into your life and told you what to do and that the things you like are bad and you need to stop doing them?

    Which is exactly why he's angry at you. You made him be someone he's not and he's probably been bottling up that feeling for years now. On top of that he's probably up to his eyeballs in debt from student loans with a half-finished degree in something he didn't even want. I think you'd be angry too if you were in that situation. Instead of trying to make him into YOUR idea of a perfect guy, try accepting who he is as a human being, flaws and all.

    As for if he'll come back or you can salvage the relationship, I really don't know. It depends on if you'll let him be who he is and if you can accept him for it. Until you talk to him there's no way to tell.

    How do I know all this? I was in a controlling relationship with a girl for 5 years and the entire time she tried to "change me for the better". There was nothing wrong with me to begin with.

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  • First of I know alcohol and I know blackouts, and it takes a lot of work to sleep with another person and would have to be awake enough to perform any sexual act. HE DID NOT BLACKOUT ! Maybe just the parts he wished you wouldn't find out about...

    Your first mistake believing that oh so convenient excuse..

    People always over use that as a way of some sorta forgiveness or scape goat... It's sickening !

    The second mistake on your part is believing he cares for you.. Sorry but nobody could peal my love away from my woman I am with. She is number one. and if she is not then she is not THE ONE.

    I am very sorry for this I hope you know you deserve better. Godbless you. and be more aware of those lies and deceptive excuses in the future.

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What Girls Said 1

  • You said it yourself, this guy is very easily influenced. That's the main problem, not this friend. My ex boyfriend was similar. He had the best personality, except that he could not resist peer pressure and had FOMO disease (Fear of missing out lol). I'd blame his buddies, his friends, and his family for the problems it caused with him eventually not treating me well by the end, but the problem was his. Same with your ex boyfriend. You need a strong man who won't be so convinced to flush a 4 year relationship down the toilet.

    Say he does come back, will you ever be able to trust him again? Do you really want to marry a man who could so easily go off and do this? A man that is easily influenced can be convinced to do anything: drugs, cheating, partying, neglect, etc. Your controlling behavior wasn't right, but it was a result of him hurting your relationship first because he isn't confident in his own decisions. You will have to come to this realization on your own, but it took me 3 years before I discovered this about my ex. No matter what he said, what agreements we came to, or how in love we were with each other, nothing stopped him from eventually being influenced again by bad friends. It ruined our relationship.

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